Drop the Axe

Mom got laid off.

Caution

Caution: These emotions are too erratic to remain in public. When spotted, please return indoors where it is safe.

Reaffirmation

And then there are the feelings that come into play that remind me that I am not truly capable of being a polyamorist.

I just want to be enough for someone....And I don't know that I ever will be....

Situational Systematics

I am someplace where I shouldn't be, physically. Someplace that I can't afford to be, really, but I am here anyway.

And my mind wonders.

I had a strange dream last night in this place that I am not supposed to be. The place that I am not supposed to be with the person that I am not supposed to be there with. I dreamed that the person I was sleeping beside was possessed by something rather evil, and it was just weird. They tried to attack me, but I managed to fend them off. In the dream, I went back to sleep thinking that there would be two more attacks.

I didn't sleep well the rest of the night.

Aside from the dream.

Should I really have gone? I wanted to go. The person I shouldn't have been with said that they wanted me there.

Did they really want me there? Part of me says yes. Another part of me says no. The same part that is always wondering if my presence is truly desired by this person. Because what they say and what they do tend to not match up on some level.

I suppose that part of it is how I feel about myself.

I don't know.

My mind wondered to think about, among other things that I thought about, what kind of love it is that I want. Fairy tale love isn't real. There isn't a prince charming. And I am no damsel in distress. Yet part of me wants the find that perfect man (Note that there is no such thing as a perfect man) and live happily ever after.

Part of me fears that I have become what has hurt me in the past, a polyamorist. I don't know how true that is. I am afraid though, I think, because I have always wanted to find the one person to spend the rest of my life with. I don't know that it is true, that I am a polyamorist. I think I am just too stubborn to give up on what I have tried to have but was never given because it was given to someone else all along and I didn't know it. That I am trying to keep what I thought was a possibility even though the logical part of me knows that it is not a possibility. I believe that if I find the right person, giving up those two things won't hurt so bad. But I am probably just lying to myself because I am head over heels for both even though I know better.

Then there is the part of me that has really come to terms with my single-ness (Note that this is only part of me) and embraces it fully, wanting nothing more than to go out and just have a good time. Even though that is something that I don't get to do because I always have other obligations or am broke or whatever else.

And then there is the part of me that is tired of hiding things in the closet and pretending to be whatever it is that I pretend to be in public. For I never asked to be a dirty little secret. Yet that is what I turned into.

My wonders on.

I am just so tired of not knowing where I stand or what to do or what to say or what to act. There are things that I want to try, but I am too afraid to try them because of what other people will think of me. Of what I will think of me if I like it or if I don't. I'm tired of leaving out names or facts. Or telling lies because there is something that I want to do, someone that I want to see, or whatever and there are people that don't like it.

What's wrong with me?...

Self-Loathing Verson 2.0

I really do have some issues with myself. Really. They aren't fun.

I don't appreciate going out with someone that I care a great deal for because they wanted to see me and they were going be nearby so they came to pick me up only at have them flirting with other females.

Seriously?

I KNOW that I am not beautiful. Pretty. Sexy. Cute. Any of those. I know that I am not.

I KNOW that I am overweight (a.k.a. FAT).

I KNOW that I am socially awkward and don't know how to act in social situations.

But I really wish that I could feel good about myself with someone in public without them hitting on other females that are prettier or more publicly sexual than I am. It really doesn't help much more than to make me feel even more insecure about myself than I already was.

I hate myself.

I hate my stomach. My thighs. My upper arms. My face. My chin. My stretch marks. My hands. My feet. My freckles. My lips. My eyes. My ears. My tears. My smiles. My frowns. My emotions. My mind. The way I walk. The way I talk. My personality. My sexuality. My inadequacy.

I hate myself from head to toe and everything in between.

And nothing makes that better. Things really just make it worse.

I hate myself. And I really hate the fact that I do.

I try to change it....

And then I fall back down.

I'm a loser, I know.

I know I haven't posted here since my birthday. Stuff has been going on.

....And I am a lazy bum who just hasn't signed in to post.

Just thought that I would inform everyone that I am still, in fact, alive. Not that many people check here. I know better than that. But I am alive nonetheless.

19

Happy birthday to me, I suppose.

I'm tired and am only up right now because mom called and informed me that it was starting to sprinkle and I had a laundry outside that I need dry rather than wet.

I start back to class today.

I am moving up to my Grandma's.

I am going to go take a shower and wash my hair out and my makeup off from yesterday. Normally would do this kind of thing before I go to sleep, but I didn't get home until after 2 because I went and met up with someone. Went to bed a little after 3. And am thoroughly exhausted. But I had an excellent time, really. It was wonderful.

I don't know if this is going to be a good day or not. All I can do is wait and see. It started on a good note at midnight. Except for the whole still being awake when I had been up since 7 am yesterday.

I want it to be a good day, really.

On top of things..

I'm on top of figuring things out right now.

Just trying to get something going right in my world.

Yes. I might end up working at McDonald's. And for now, I will be okay with that.

Just a little update...

I'm still unemployed.

I'm not going to Maryville College this year.

I may very well be moving.

I'm rather quite smitten. Which is not necessarily a good thing with the situation as it stands.

Oh. And I'm tired of being alone.

Headache

My head hurts. My eyes are sore from crying. And I am thoroughly pissed off...

I was fired from my job today...For something that I did not do.

If I had known Saturday that I was going to be fired today, I would have done it, but I didn't. So I drove all the way to work to be told that I didn't have a job. Fuckers. Let me waste my gas and drive up there to be told that I don't have a job. You little bastards. You have my phone number. Call my phone and tell me. Don't make me waste my gas.

The Path Most Discouraged

Had lunch with my grandma. Told her that I am studying Art.

I love her to death. She is wonderful and sweet.

But I don't think she wants me to study Art.

Had that lovely 'what are you going to do with your life' conversation. You need to study something that will help you get a job. What are you going to do with that? I'm not trying to push you into something that you don't like, but...

I like to take photos. Even if I am not great at it, or even good. I like to do it. Why can't the people that are supposed to love me and care for me support me in what I want to do?

A Dull Ringing

The silence is a dull ringing.

The loneliness is a dull pang.

And the tears are hollow and ever flowing.


At least that is how it feels.

I still get up and go though. With the emptiness and the loneliness.

Neither of them will go away. Because very few people at all seem to want me around, and I am tired of fighting that feeling.

My tears are a silent and private matter. For no one should have to share that burden.

So thank you, you know who you are, for keeping me in line and in my place.

Once more....With feeling....

You know...That saying has never been prefaced with what feeling....

Welcome to the end of my rope.....I can't really keep going like this....

I hope for what I can't and will never have.....I care for what cares not for me.....I would do anything and only have the favor returned by being tossed aside, ignored, and unloved....

Welcome to the end of my rope....Sadly....I will only keep going....

Them's the rules..."

...And that's how we play it."


You can take your age difference and shove it.

I have done nothing to warrant you taking what others have done to you out on me.

You can take your one sided rules and your lack of ability to care for anyone other than yourself and find someone willing to sit silently and take it. You lost that in me in October.

As the hours pass, memories do not fade

Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my father's death.

I am neither happy nor sad. I am not angry or disappointed. I am.

I shed my tears over my father last year. Not over his death. But over the fact that he was not the man or father that he should have been.

I am worried, though, about how things will be around the house. For my sister and brother were still rather attached to the abusive man that was our father. And that man left behind quite a mess for my mother to deal with. Financially. It is a problem.

I feel as though I am the one that is supposed to fix everything. But I just don't know how...