Grrr. Arrg.

I got a call from someone today. We were possibly going to do lunch or an early dinner. Well. Probably partly since I didn't know what I wanted (normal. should know this by now -.- .) and probably some other reason, "we may have to do this next week." Figures. Honestly, I expect nothing less.

On the other hand, Jason seems pretty much perfect in that completely not perfect way. Honestly, I am waiting for the bottom to fall out of this one as well.

I am considering giving up, really.

Flower Child

Flower Child
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

Hrmph.

Life is a confusing roller coaster sometimes.

I haven't heard from Andrew.

But I haven't been thinking of him too much either.

I've been talking to a friend of mine online.

He is really sweet and has been on my mind quite a bit.

I am very confused.

Hrmph.

Toe-Curling, Heel-Dropping Fun

Toe-Curling, Heel-Dropping Fun
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

I could use some of that.

New Shoes

I bought a new pair of shoes with the giftcard that my grandfather gave me yesterday for christmas.

I love them. They are beautiful.

I will get to wear them once. Then I will get to wear them to the hospital because I broke my ankle wearing heels when I should damn well know better.

^.^

Urbida

The universe has thrown me a curve ball. A very sweet curve ball.

I am confused right now.

Oh...And...

I miss Andrew.

Update

Work is going pretty well.

Except for the fact that it turns out that I may have been lied to. I may be working more than the occasional or every other Saturday. I will be thoroughly pissed if this turns out to be true.

Thus is life.

Sleep

I slept too much. I slept until about twenty minutes ago. That bothers me. I don't like sleeping the day away. My body needed it though. I know it. And I wasn't sleeping any place very comfortable so it is definately understandable that it slept longer trying to get more rest.

And then...

...there are reasons that I am glad that part of that dream was just that. A dream.

Because it would be highly uncharacteristic of the one it involved to do anything but what he did in that dream and what he did just now.

Why do I invest feelings where they are not wanted and where they will be thrown back in my face? I do not know.

Last Night

I had the most vivid dream. And I remember it.

It was so very strange. And part of it made me so very happy.

I'm sad that it was a dream.

Until the week's end.

I have a new job. I will finish the week out at Shoney's.

I start the new job on Monday.

May the sun light dim and the moon grow stronger

I have a job interview tomorrrow. I may finally get a new job and escape Shoney's.

If I get this job, I will be cleaning offices Monday through Friday for like three hours. I have been trying to get a job where I don't work weekends. Maybe this will pan out like I am hoping.

Memory

I will fade to your memory.

One day you will see.

-------------------------------------------------
I will fade to your memory
One day you will see

I will not cause you grief any longer
It wasn't your fault anyway

I will seek an old for of comfort
Cool and precise
Reliable and always there
Honest and unmerciful

Is it my body shaking or the world?
Is it adrenaline or the walls so carefully constructed crumbling?

Do not fret
Do not worry
I am always okay in the end

To Whom it Most Definately Concerns

I like to think that, if I were to go away, you would miss me. I like to think that there is actually love down there somewhere deep inside. I like to think that.

But then there are those not so subtle hints that make me believe otherwise like the photo on your book cabinet, the background on your computer, the photos that you never post, and the photos that you always post.

Would you miss me if I was gone? Would you care? Would those feelings that I like to think are there be real?

Or would I just fade away to your memory as that girl that caused you all that grief?

Sign

Sign
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

"

Sign
I am starting to wonder whether or not I am wasting my time here. Honestly.

Yes. I take the photos for myself, but I upload them to share with others. I don't get traffic here. No one comments anything. I am seriously confused as to why I keep trying when all the encouragement I get comes from my downward spirals.

And I would like to add that none of this is actually helping anything. In fact. It is only making it worse. Because I see where I rank when I see that even he people that are supposed to care post everywhere else. But I don't get the time of day.

Thank you. Have a nice day."

The same can be said here. Why the hell do I even blog anymore? I edit myself so that I don't get worried text messages the few times my blog is read.

I'm tired.

No better than any animal

The one I want to be around is busy. Always busy.

I seek company and comfort in the one that is there. The one that has already broken my heart once. The one that loves another and will never love me.

I am no better than any animal.

I seek the comfort that comes with the flesh. The warmth. The passion. The company.

Loneliness is a bitter thing.

Yet bitter even still is the feeling that comes with knowing your own situation and not having the power to change it. Or the strength.

Newsflash

Apparently people only read my blog when they are worried about me. That's pleasant.

Edit from earlier today: But since I have "calmed down" people don't worry so much.

A Conundrum or Catastrophe

I am tired of being alone.

I want to do something. I want to see someone.

The person that I so desperately want to see is in Georgia, and I will more than likely not get to see him until next month. Which does not make me feel any better.

I haven't heard from Joel or Jay.

I am tired of not having anyone to talk to.

I'm tired of being alone.

Why is it like this? Seriously.

Funny Comments in Bible Class

"Skater boy's a Jew!!!"

Selfless or Stupid?

I was going to get to see Andrew today. Was.

But I told him not to come because he wouldn't get to Georgia until late and he needs his sleep.

Stupid or selfless?

All I really want is to see him right now.

Frantic Awakening

I woke up late.

I mean. I set my alarms, got out of bed to let the dogs out, got back in bed, and fell asleep.

I slept until about 20 minutes till 9, which is bad.

I have been staying in Clinton at my grandma's house. That is around a 45 minute drive give or take. I had to get up, get the dogs back in the house (which is a freaking project, let me tell you), get my things together for work and school, check my oil, and buy gas. I had to do all of this and be on campus before 10 am for class.

It didn't happen before 10.

And to top it all off, I left school stuff that was due today at the house.

I am not looking forward to the rest of this day.


P.S. I forgot to mention that I am still in my pajamas because changing clothing wasn't an option in already limited time.


P.S.S. I want to go back to sleep....

Pieces of the Puzzle

Parts of my life seem to be falling into place finally. I am behind in some areas, but I am getting everything back in order. It just takes time. I'm hoping that I am where I am supposed to be and around who I am supposed to be around. Maybe the letter A will work out where the letter J didn't.

Holly Homemaker

I'm baking again. The same apple pies I baked back in December. These are working out better, I think. They smell amazing.

I am making them because someone asked me where their piece was back then. I think he may deserve a pie so I made him one. <3