Strength

Strength
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

Wishes

Happy Halloween. This is my holiday. I love this day. It is one day that I never want to go wrong when everything else seems to. We shall see.

Happy birthday to Jay!

Hugs.

Evolution

I have to get things together. I have to get my life back in order because, honestly, no one is going to do it for me.

No one is going to write my research paper. No one is going to go to work for me. No one is going to get me up in the mornings when I am too tired to crawl out of bed.

I am working on it. I am trying, and that is all I can do.

I can't exactly go explain why I haven't done anything to my Comp. professor and just expect her to give me and extension. I know that it won't happen so I won't even bother to try that. I am just going to get everything else done. Do everything that I am supposed to along the way, and get my life back in as much order as it has ever been.

Welcome to the evolution. The revolution.

Things are going to change.

Softly

Softly
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

Softly crumbling
Silent resolution
Subtle change
Revolution

Anxiety

I was sitting here about thirty or so minutes ago, and all of a sudden, I was hit head on with a wall of anxiety.

Something is going to happen.

I don't know what.

I don't know whether or not it is good or bad.

I just know that something is going to happen or has happened.

Straw on the camel's back

So. I go to work to check my schedule and talk to my DRS (Dining Room Supervisor).

You know what always makes you feel oh-so-fucking-fantastic about how you look? Being asked if you are pregnant.

The bar girl, who is from Mexico and speaks little English, pointed at my stomach and asked "You baby?"

I want to be someone else right now.

And you know. I would rather be pregnant for some reason. I guess I just really want a family right now. It isn't going to happen. I am in college. No.

Weekend

So. This weekend...

Friday night was fine.

Saturday was hell for me.

I go to the hall for breakfast, and I volunteer to help Iazzie who has to help take care of the Prince. After that, I head down to the field to watch the fighting. Laura, Whitney, and I catch a ride down.

We get out of the car, I look back. There is Joel getting out of his car with his Amanda. I walk away. I don't act as though I have seen them. I just walk away. Because I was not ready to deal with that.

I go set my things down and begin to do my own thing. I don't say a word to Joel or Amanda. I sew some and go around talking to some people.

After a while, after fighting has been going for a while, and while I am watching Iazzie's grandson, I go over to where Amanda and Krista are. I made myself do it. It was very awkward for me and I am sure that everyone could see that.

See. Joel and Amanda were acting like that cutsy happy couple. That couple that I have never been, and I doubt that I will ever be. They were kissing and hugging. Talking and teasing. Joel was acting as though he hadn't gone through a break up recently. Like he hadn't broken someone's heart. Like he didn't have a goddamn heart in that chest of his.

Their acting that way made me positively miserable. HE WILL NEVER LOVE ME. He never acted as though we were a couple unless we were in private. He acted as though we were just friends all the damn time.

So I suffered through the rest of the day, trying to ignore them and what I will never have.

After feast there was to be dancing. After the hall was cleaned, everyone got ready to dance.

I was standing alone.

While this would be a nice, kind gesture in different circumstances, what happened next made me want to cry. Amanda PUSHED Joel across the hall over to me to dance. PUSHED.

Thank you. I feel so very loved. Now I must go through myself down a hill onto very pointy things.

When he moved to my side, I looked at him and said "If she is making you, no." I did not want to dance with him very much at the time anyway. Made me feel kind of sick and inadequate all over again.

He told me that she pushed him over there because he wasn't paying attention.

So we danced. I told him how this was making me feel. I told him that he was had made today (being Saturday at the time) miserable. He said that he was sorry. I asked him why he was apologizing. Told him that it wouldn't change anything. That he wouldn't change. I told him that he was making it easier for me to move on. That when he acts like nothing had happened, (Because it isn't like he hadn't just gone through a break up and broke my heart. Of course not. Why would he do that? Oh yeah. Because he is a man. And men are fucking stupid. ) it makes it easier to move on because I don't like him when he does it. IT HURTS.

I told him that she suits him.

After that, he left. After we finished the last dance he said "Excuse me" and walked away. He said something to Amanda, and they gathered their things to leave. I didn't know for sure so I asked him if he was leaving. He was.

I think I may have hurt him when I said all of that. But it is all true.

It hurts me.

But I am not going to chase him. I am not going to just sit around and wait for him to come back to me.

I went and found Jay to get him to dance with me. Atleast for one specific dance that I can't spell.


I could see Jay and I together again. I think that we work very well together. Look pretty good together too, I think.

But I will never be in another relationship like what happened with Joel. I can't be in a relationship in which I am not the only woman they are with. I can't. It hurts. I will never be in a open relationship. It hurts. It isn't for me.

I will not be in an open relationship. I will not be in a relationship in which the person I am with is only there when they need me, not when I need them. (You need to be there for the person you are with always. For the good and the not so good. For the bad and the not so bad.)

I will not be in a relationship that is a secret.

I am tired of having to act like I am only friends with someone when there is more to it.

I do not want to be a secret. I want to be shown off, I suppose. I know that I am not beautiful or the best there is out there. But I don't think I should be hidden away. If you are ashamed of me, why are you with me?

I just want to be loved and feel loved. I want to feel like other people get to feel in relationships. Happy.

Andrew

I was going to just post about the weekend, specifically yesterday, but when I got on, I checked everything. Tina, someone that I haven't known long, wondered about Andrew. I decided to post two blog posts, this one and the one I will post next.

Andrew.

He is a friend of Joel's, for how long I do not know. He is also the ex-boyfriend of someone that I have met in recent months through Joel and have become pretty good friends with. He games with Joel on Friday nights, how often this happens I cannot tell you.

He is a very nice man from what I have gathered the whole two times I have been around him previously.

He is good looking in his own way.

I have no idea whether or not he is interested in me.

I have no idea whether or not we will click or make a connection.

I will not get my hopes up for a man that I do not know very well or at all for that matter.

I will give it a chance.

But I will not wait around.

Ten Days Later - The Beginning

For the next ten days, I am going to be trying to keep myself busy. I don't know what I will be doing. I don't know anything.

I am going to move on within these next ten days. I will not contact Joel. For his Amanda is coming down. I am not going to be a bother. Especially where I am not wanted.

Joel can contact me when he is ready. If he is ever ready. But. There will be a point where I contact him. Because I do want to get together with Andrew and get to know him better. This is going to happen through Joel.

Unexpected

Jay drove nearly 2 hours to see me. No one has ever done anything like that. And I don't know that anyone ever will again.

It made my day brighter for a moment. Until things started heading back down hill.

And action!

I went to auditions yesterday for the Black Gryphon play. I have made the executive decision that I am going to be in that play, and work can just rearrange the schedule like they do when someone else needs to get their days switched around.

I think that I did fairly well. I do not know how well or if I will even get a role in the play. All that matters is that I tried.


Oh. My hair is purple now. Well. Purple-ish. Need more color.

Cushion the blow

I will do everything in my power to prevent someone else from getting their heart broke in a situation like what has happened between Joel and myself. I would not trade what I thought we had for anything in the world. But I would rather have not had my worst fears in the context of relationships realized in the relationship that I thought we had together.

I just needed to restate this.

Belief-O-Matic Quiz

So. I had to take this quiz for my FRS class. It is fairly accurate, I think. And fairly entertaining when you get to the bottom of the results.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Your Results:


The top score on the list below represents the faith that Belief-O-Matic, in its less than infinite wisdom, thinks most closely matches your beliefs. However, even a score of 100% does not mean that your views are all shared by this faith, or vice versa.

Belief-O-Matic then lists another 26 faiths in order of how much they have in common with your professed beliefs. The higher a faith appears on this list, the more closely it aligns with your thinking.

How did the Belief-O-Matic do? Discuss your results on our message boards.






1. Neo-Pagan (100%)
2. New Age (87%)
3. Mahayana Buddhism (82%)
4. Jainism (71%)
5. Unitarian Universalism (66%)
6. Theravada Buddhism (63%)
7. Hinduism (62%)
8. New Thought (61%)
9. Liberal Quakers (57%)
10. Scientology (57%)
11. Reform Judaism (54%)
12. Sikhism (51%)
13. Taoism (45%)
14. Orthodox Judaism (41%)
15. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (41%)
16. Secular Humanism (38%)
17. Bahá'í Faith (37%)
18. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (37%)
19. Islam (32%)
20. Nontheist (31%)
21. Orthodox Quaker (30%)
22. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (22%)
23. Jehovah's Witness (15%)
24. Seventh Day Adventist (10%)
25. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (5%)
26. Eastern Orthodox (5%)
27. Roman Catholic (5%)

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You can take this quiz here if you like.

Preparations

I am going out of town on Friday. I plan to leave at about 4 or 4:30.

I am hoping to have some kind of exciting stuff to post when I return, but I do not know if that is going to happen. All I can do is hope.

I do not know how this is going to go. The situation is going to be awkward, but I am going to try to not let that affect anything that I do.

Plus. I get to see Jackson because he is supposed to be there. I love that little boy. He is adorable.

I need to get candy. Jackson likes candy as most every child does.

Autumn turns

I feel good today. A little unwanted and hurt, but I feel good.

It finally feels and looks like my season.


I feel alone right now, but I am dealing. Despite that. I feel better than I have in a little while. I want this to last for a while. This good feeling.

I want to be happy. I don't know if this is happy or just delusion after everything that has gone on.

I am actually looking forward to whenever it is that Joel is going to get Andrew and I together at his house. I don't know. I guess I am just going for it. Trying new things. Why wouldn't Andrew and I click? We get alone when we are around each other.

Hope

I am feeling very good today. As strange as that is, I am.

Despite everything that has gone on with Joel and the fact that Jay is acting like a stupid man again, I am feeling good. I think it is because I am moving on. I have accepted things how they are, and I am looking forward to meeting up with Andrew at Joel's. Yes, I am nervous. I do not know how that is going to go or anything, but I am looking forward to new possibilities.

I still love Joel. There are still all of the same emotions there. It is still going to be hard because of all of that. But I am moving on as best as I can.


The monthly deaths continue. July- my father. August- my baby girl Sally. September- my baby boy Jay Jay. And now October- my relationship with Joel.

I think I am becoming someone new or better. Maybe just a better version of me.

Whatever it is. There is hope.

Easy Fix

So. Mom and Grandpa came over and looked at the mess that was my car.

It was an easy and fairly inexpensive fix. Just a belt and some anti-freeze.

Cliffhanger

So. I had a fairly good day except for a few downs and of course work.

But.

I am driving home and the battery light in my car comes on. What the fuck?!

I decide to look when I get back on campus and park. So I turn everything off and get out, walk around the front. I see smoke coming from beneath my hood. Yay. -.-;

So something is not attached to something else? May have blown a hose. Or my water pump is dead. And my alternator belt may have gone out?

Mom is looking at it in the morning.

Resulting

All of this mess...My blog has been getting several more hits.

I do not know who is looking. I know some of the hits are valid while others are not.

Introduce yourselves. You may as well. I know one of you is a friend of Joel's. He told me that you said something about reading my blog.

I don't bite. All the time.

The flood gate breaks and the tears spill forth.

I feel like crying again. I am trying so very hard to move passed this mess.

I love Joel.

That is stupid, but I can't seem to let go of the hope that we could work out together even though I know it won't happen.

It doesn't help the situation that I am about to be on my period which means that my damn ups and downs are a lot more unpredictable than they already were. Makes me more tired than I already am.

Why can't I have a happy relationship like everyone else around me has?

Seriously.

What is so goddamn wrong with me that I do not deserve to be happy for more than a little while?

Tired

I have grown tired of being this pathetic shell of a person. I am tired of just dealing with things because thye happened to me. I want to be stronger than I am.


I was at Joel's last night. We talked. We are just friends, and both of us are in need of some space right now. I will keep in contact with him some, but I do not want to drive him crazy or anything. I want to help him, not hurt him. It is going to be hard because I have really gotten in to the habit of talking to him everyday. He is my main social connection outside of school. It is going to be hard to adjust. I will deal though. I always do.

I love him, if you couldn't tell. As stupid as it may be, I do. And I will continue to be there for him even though he may never be there for me. It would just be like it has been anyway.

It is hard right now. My heart does hurt at the moment. I am losing a large part of my life and gaining a smaller part.

Maybe one day it could be more, but I am not going to hold my breath or count down or hope or pray. I'm going to move on, and I am going to let him do the same.

Honestly, I have been feeling very alone this last week. Problems with Joel causing crazy ups and downs. I have been feeling so very alone.

I cry to no one but myself.


I left Joel a gift when I left his house this morning to come back here for class. I made a necklace a few months back with two petals from a rose that he gave me. The only thing he has ever given me. The petals are inclosed in a silver-colored cage hanging amoung black and red circles. I had made it to give to him originally.

Just something to remember me by, I suppose.

apologies

apologies
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

I have never been issued a public apology before.

Hugs.

I'm sorry too, you know.

White Flag

I surrender.

Take what you will and destroy the rest. I'm tired of hurting.

Writing

I finally wrote something again. It isn't very good. But it is something. That is what matters.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Let me open my eyes
Sew my heart shut
You don't want it

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Pick up the pieces
Place them in a box
Mail them to me

I will piece it back together
I will fix it myself

I was already broken
Don't blame yourself
It would have happened anyway

Last night

Last night was special. I was getting ready to take a shower when Joel sent me a message asking me if I wanted to go to Walmart with him. I had been bothering him because I was bored.

I took my shower and headed out, driving to his house.

I had been feeling up then down then up then down and finally was back at up at the time. I hate being like this.

After going to Walmart, I found out precisely what his project was. He was installing eye bolts in his basement, on one of the floor joists.

Yes. It is what you are thinking.

Somehow I became the technical support for this project. I had never been involved in that kind of thing before, but somehow I knew what he needed to do to have it work the way he wanted.

And yes. It did get tried out.


He needs new cuffs.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

That was about it on the good end of last night.

It still hurts, you know. Everything that has happened.

And I'm not going to be happy living this way with him. I felt like crying last night before we fell asleep. I stayed there because I didn't want to drive back so late at night and he was getting up early anyway.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

I am sorry that I am not the type of woman that you want. I'm sorry that I will never be the woman that you want. I am not your Michelle or your Katelyn. Your Sakura or your Amanda.

I am sorry that I feel inadequate because of all of this.

I CAN'T HELP IT.

I am Christie. I am broken. I am not perfect.

I have had a hard time in life. I always end up getting hurt.

I CAN'T CHANGE IT.

I believe in a happily ever after despite the fact that I am always getting hurt.

I am a very open minded person, but I am not comfortable with myself in or out of a relationship for the possibility being with more than one person in relationships at a time. I have enough problems with dealing with the fact that I am afraid that the person I am with is going to just leave me for someone better.

And it isn't a real relationship if no one knows about it right?

So was I just a toy? A fling? I didn't rate on your scale high enough for others to know.

Are you ashamed of me?

In the safety of darkness...

...emotions come out to play.

You know. I am tired, but I feel pretty okay right now.

Been thinking a lot, which doesn't really help the okay-ness.

Joel says that he is going to try and set me up with someone. Honestly, I am okay with that right now. (Don't tell him that. It might encourage him.) While I have never been on a date, I don't think I would mind it if I can maybe find some kind of happiness out of this mess that I am living in.

Darkness in Memories

Darkness in Memories
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

Even in good memories there lies pain and darkness.

For what was at one time, is no more. That in itself is enough to shake worlds.

Rollercoaster ride

That up that I was on yesterday came crashing into the ground at an alarming rate today.

I had such a very bad day. I just wanted to cry.

My manager at work didn't realize just how bad a day I was having until I explained to him that I wasn't going to be able to deal with any more rude customers in the way that they would like. That I really just felt like curling up in the fetal position and crying. Then he realized and tried to send me home. I stayed through the church rush even though I would love to have left.

After I got off, I went to my car. Out of habit I called Joel. I didn't mean to. He doesn't have to or need to deal with my stuff. He kept telling me that it was okay to call him. I was crying while I talked to him. I couldn't help it.

Everything just fell apart, and the only thing I wanted was to be able to have his arms around me telling me that it would be okay.

Stupid fairy tale dreams.

I just want to be happy and loved. Apparently that is too much to ask for out of life. Thus I am not happy nor am I feeling very loved.

Shifting out of balance

The right hand shift key on my laptop is going out. That is on top of the fact that I have certain keys that already act up and the hinges are broken. One side doesn't even stay attached anymore.

Sad face.

I definately need a new laptop.

Silver lining or Illusion?

I am feeling better today. I actually felt really good.

I was surpised. But I am tired now, which doesn't surprise me.

Let's see what tomorrow brings.

Cuppy-cakes

Cuppy-cakes
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

Cuppy-cakes
I came back to the dorm from work and climbed up here to my room.

I turn my computer on and sit down after changing out of my work pants. I'm sitting here, and I look over.

Gasp! Cupcakes. ^.^

I think it is the sweetest thing ever.

"I baked cup cakes
These are for you
-Manami"


I will eat them tomorrow, I think. I am not hungry right now.

Yay for cupcakes!

Raw

My eyes are still feeling fairly raw. My face isn't so red around my eyes anymore which means that it doesn't look like someone punched me in the eye.

I looked so very bad when I went to work yesterday. I could just feel it, and it was confirmed when I looked in the bathroom mirror before I clocked in.

ADD

I can't focus very well right now. I want to go to to sleep, but I have to write this paper. I have to get it emailed to my professor, but I am so tired right now...

Hand in my pocket

I have a pocket full of used and unused tissues, a runny nose, and red puffy, raw eyes.

Perfect combination, yes?

Uncontrollable Tears

My heart hurts.

I think that it is official.

I can't do this.

I opened a message from Amber I read the first two lines of text and slammed my broken laptop closed.

I layed back on my bed. I was on the phone with Jay. I could feel the tears coming. Like clockwork timing, he was getting off of the phone because he is tired. As soon as I closed the phone, tears were down my cheeks.

Tired of being tired

I am so tired of feeling like this. I am exhausted. I haven't been sleeping well. I go to sleep around 12 or so and wake up around 3 and then 4 or 5 and then about the time I need to get up to go to class. That or I oversleep. The latter has happened twice already.

I should be writing a paper for my Biblical Studies class, but I cannot seem to make myself read the blasted thing I have to read to write it. I tried doing it last night but fell asleep and then proceeded to have the rest of what would be considered my present normal night's sleep.

Sleepy kitty face.

Hm.

Poor Joel has a very bad sinus infection. Thus he is at home resting.

I may go and help him finish painting the livingroom this evening. He wants to get it done. I will help him do that.


I have a midterm today. Yay.. -.- Failure. Woot.

The Exciting Game of Life

I went to Wendy's after I got off of work, and then I headed here, mom's.

I get here and call Joel back. Ask him the questions in the previous post, write down his answers. I eat one chicken sandwich and come lay on mom's bed. She wasn't here. She is at a concert with my sister.

Travis, my brother's friend, was here. He went into the livingroom. A moment later I hear him say "Vernon. There is a cop here." Something like that anyway.

Yes. Let us call in the boy who doesn't know how to talk to a server in a restaurant to ask for a drink to deal with the cops. Excellent idea especially since he isn't 18.

I go talk to them. He wants to search the house. I make the executive decision to let him. It is better that way. I only let him because I am 18 and there shouldn't be some little fugitive boy in the house.

I don't know what mom will say when I tell her that I let them in. The just looked to see if he was hiding. They didn't turn everything inside out and backwards. Also didn't say anything about the alcohol bottles in my brother's room.

Travis didn't have his ID with him. This was stupid.

He doesn't know his social security number. His father doesn't know his social security number. He couldn't reach his mother. Once they talked to his father, they went with him being who he said he was.

Finally, the cops left.

I had a little chat with my brother and his friend.

God I felt like I was their mother in that moment. "You are not to hang out with that person again." "You get your damn social security card replaced, memorize your social security number, and carry an ID with you all the damn time." "Get the alcohol bottles out of your room." "Get your social security card replaced." Etc. Etc. Etc.


The cops had called in to check on my brother and Travis. They even called in to check on me. Seriously. Am I going to lie to the damn cops about who I am? No.


I am about to go back on campus because despite the cops showing up, my mother obviously isn't moving to come home so we can deal with my brother hanging out with stupid people.


Please answer the questions in the previous post. Please. It would be much appreciated.

Thank you.

Self-analyzation

I have to write a paper for my FRS class.

I need to interview people about me.

Ask five questions.

If you don't mind, would you care to answer my questions?


1)What do you consider my best and worst characteristics?

2)What do you think I value most in others?

3)What career do you think I would be best suited for?

4)What do you think I value or care about most?

5)How would you describe my personality? (Explain if you can.)

Bright Eyes

Bright Eyes
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

"For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it. For every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it. For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it."
-Ivan Panin

Good morning, sunshine.

So. I slept in about 30 minutes too long. I would have slipped into class late, but it would have been rude with a guest speaker. I am not going to be like that.

Anyway.


Went over to Joel's last night after work. Drove up the hill and saw Krista's car. Surprise. Not a bad one. Just didn't know and wasn't expecting that. He didn't say anything about her being there.

I like Krista. It is always good to get to see her and torture Joel with her.

(Read it how you will. I can't quite get everything worded the way it is to me.)

Sometimes, he is such a stupidhead.

And yes. I do realize that I have reverted to immature kindergarden name calling, but it is just how it works sometimes.

Jackson is obviously more perceptive than his father. He is going to be a heartbreaker when he gets older.

What HAVE you been doing?!

What HAVE you been doing?!
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

Paint chipping away

I was at Joel's today. I was helping him with the painting of the livingroom and hallway.

My feet are still multi-colored. I will take care of that when I talk a shower tomorrow morning.


Jackson is adorable. You definately cannot forget that. He called me "Miss Christie" once. It was so cute.

I think Jackson is more preceptive than his father.

^.^;;
Sleep....

Discovery

I have discovered that I can order the camera that I want from the Dell site for about $100 less than what I expected to pay. Woot. When I get around $400 or so, I will order my camera.

Maybe.

I am also looking at purchasing a new laptop. A better one. With a faster processor, more memory, larger hard drive, better sound, better graphics, cd/dvd reader/burner, etc. It would have stupid Vista on it, but I guess I could suck it up and deal. Maybe figure out how to make it not be as stupid as I have heard.

The laptop would be around $2000.

I don't know if I would rather get the camera first or the laptop. Either way I still have a lot of money to get ahold of in order to do it.j

I could always just save up and buy the two of them together. Then I would have both of them rather than wishing I had bought the other.

Though the laptop would be handy with wireless since the wireless on this one doesn't work for some god awful reason.

Cosmic shift?

I actually slept better last night than I have in a long while.

Better being the operative word. I don't know if it will last, get better, or go back to the way it was.

I do know that I slept through my Sociology class. That was definately unintentional. I woke up, saw that it would just have let out, and got over there. I had to turn something in.

Sigh.

Not going to work today. Going to tell them that I am sick when I get my check. I look it, I think. At least right now. Which means I am not changing a thing.

Boob-age

I was going to go back to my dorm and just clean up my side of the room since it is a mess right now. But I dind't feel like it.

I went and ate dinner around 5 o'clock and just hung out with Becca and Laura before they had to go to their theatre class thing. I went with them. I didn't want to come in here, in the library, and do homework. I don't really want to be here now, but I am.

I helped make breasts for a male. Because there are men playing female parts in that play.

It is really funny thinking about how to make breasts. How you would need to shape them. How they need to look. How they need to look like the feel. Trust me. That was definately and interesting and entertaining conversation especially when we put them on a man. One man would grope himself. Big surprise, right? The other was very cooperative.

Special.

Sleepless Nights

I do not know what it is, but I cannot get a good night's sleep.

I fell asleep doing homework last night. I was up and down all night. Kicked my laptop off of the bed. Up and down some more.

I do not know what sleep is. Honestly.


On a different note. Got a text from Jay this morning. It came off very smartass-ed to me.

"And todays lesson is when getting a new phone to go ahead and charge it i didnt hang up on u i was entering in numbers and the phone went dead as you called sorry"

That is the message as I got it. I had to try very hard not to fix it.

Um. Yes. Someone put me out of my misery. Please?


On another different note. I am seriously considering calling into work on Friday. Yep. Don't want to be there. Don't want to go. Don't want to deal with those people.

Novacaine

I am numb right now. Emotionally.

Only in the sense that I am trying to fight off the tears.

I hurt. My head hurts. My body hurts. My emotional pain has caused a seemingly physical pain in my heart.

I would say that I don't know why, but I do. It confuses me, but I do know.


On a different yet almost as emotionally trying note, Jay won't talk to me. I don't know why. He won't answer. Wait. Let me rephrase that. He won't answer AGAIN. The first time I called he answered but hung up on me. Every time there after there was no answer. He finally turned his phone off.

I don't get it.

For the love of god, someone please help me read the minds of men. I can't deal with masculine PMS right now.

Midnight Margaritas

Last night was not fun. I got off of work and talked to Joel before I went and got food, returning to the dorm.

I had a long night ahead of me.

I had to write a paper last night. I didn't want to. The article was long, boring, and made me want to go to sleep more than my already tired state did.

I talked to Joel again. This time for about 40 minutes. Definately a long phone conversation for me. Especially with him since it is usually 5-10-15 minutes or there about.

I took little naps over the course of trying to read that thing and then trying to write it.

I was up until 3:30 am.

I had to get up at 7 am.

I didn't actually sleep. My body just refused to function any longer for those about 3 and a half hours.


The real kicker here is that my professor decided that we can turn the papers in on Thursday.

Mooichido

I have a headache again. This one is very dull right now. Just barely there.

I am estimating that I will be at work when it hits full swing.

Things just work out like that again.


I still haven't heard from Jay. I am worried. I know that he may have sent his phone in, but I am worried nonetheless.

I haven't sent Joel a single text today. He hasn't sent me one. I believe that if I was to not text him, he would never text me. I don't get that honestly.

Do I have to initiate everything with anyone that I care about?

So it shall be..

I was on the phone with Krista for an hour last night. I am not a phone person. I don't usually spend more than maybe 15 or 20 minutes on the phone.

It was weird, but it was nice.

There is some sort of connection there on some level. It feels like I could talk to her about nearly anything, and that is definately not a normal occurance.

We shall see where it goes and how it lays itself out over time.


I have been talking with Amber, a friend of Joel's. She is such a sweet and beautiful woman. She has self-confidence issues. I can relate to that because I have them too.

She is starting to feel better about them with help of Joel and his photographs of her. She likes it when people comment on how beautiful she is as everyone else likes it when people say things like that about them.


It is weird.

I am making friends right now. I don't make friends very well or very often. I don't know what is going to come of this, but I do hope that it is good.