Yeah...

So I am not entirely sure what is going on....

But....

My hands are doing something funny.

They are either breaking out, drying out, or a combination of both.

On my thumbs and my index finger, where the inner sides meet.

It looks ugly. And I don't like it.

I am treating it as best as I know how:

Use whatever I have handy that may make it go away.

I think it may be from work. I don't know.

Don't like it.

Will fix it.

Weekend and Monday

Weekend was good over all. A few not so wonderful spots.

Went to Nashville Sunday night, to +Salvation+. We drove up there that night and back right after, placing us back in Maryville around 7 am.

Was fairly good.

Got hit on by this guy.

I almost feel bad for shooting him down so quickly.

Almost.

He picked a very bad time to do it because I had had alittle freak out just moments before and was still reeling from it. Thoroughly pissed off.

And he was trying a bit too hard.

By a bit, I mean a lot.

I was rude. I admit it.

I shouldn't have been, but I was.


Monday was special.

I had the most exciting thing happen in that not at all exciting way.

I had a panic/anxiety attack.

Did not know that that was what it was at the time.

I just knew that I felt like I was dying and I didn't know what to do.

Long story short: I was trying to take a nap before I went to work. Woke up twice. The second time I hurt. Badly. (There were other things: shaking, nausea, dizziness. But the pain was the main issue that I was focusing on) Couldn't figure out what it was. Felt like I was dying. Tried to fix the problem (changing positions, taking a shower), and decided that if I was going to die, I was going to do it at mom's and not in the dorm. At least I would have privacy, even if it would only be a little. I drove like that (Not smart by the way), and as I almost neared the house, it just disappeared. That scared the hell out of me more.

Exciting stuff that.

^.^;

Color Me Happy?

Christie took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Has an imperative need for some bond or fusion wit..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

"Let's do the Time Warp again!!"

"Let's do the Time Warp again!!"
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

Doing the Time Warp at Temple last Saturday night (April 19th).

****I DID NOT TAKE THIS PHOTO.****
In its original location: raywen.org/Temple/041908/
There you can see the photographer's other photos.

Trio

Trio
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

Laura (left), Tyler (right), and myself (center) at Temple last Saturday night (April 19th).

****I DID NOT TAKE THIS PHOTO.****
In its original location: raywen.org/Temple/041908/
There you can see the photographer's other photos.

Narf.

So.

I have come to the conclusion that I would not blame any person on the face of the planet ever if they did not want to be involved with me.

I am fucked up on several levels.

One thing that can be awkward or confusing is my relationship with my exs.

I don't push them away.

In fact..I keep them around if I can help it.

We are essentially friend's with benefits.

But if I were to get involved with someone on a real level, I would stop the benefits. I would remain friends, but the benefits would be gone.

Sorry.

Just kind of musing.

Been thinking about things a lot in the last while.

REVOLUTION!

So. I hurt myself today.

Always fun.

I was sitting here in my dorm room with Tyler, the friend that I mentioned in the previous post.

I had gotten up and left the room momentarily to use the bathroom. When I came back, I went to get on the bed and somehow hurt myself.

Yay. -.-

Anyway.


REVOLUTION!

I am going to live for me.

(At least that is what I keep telling myself.)

I want to be happy.

Maybe the happiness is right before my eyes.

You never know.

I never know for that matter.

My horoscopes keep telling me that I fall for my best friends and never know why.

It has kind of been true thus far.

Except that I usually fall for someone and then they become my best friend.

..and then I refuse to let them up and disappear out of my life if I can control it.

I kind of consider someone else my best friend right now. I don't even now the person well.

Shrug.

Sweet person.

A little problematic such as myself.

I kind of have feelings towards them.

They are very loosely defined, and I am a bit wary of them. (The feelings, that is.)

Haven't decided what to do. (Per normal.)


Well. Until then...or next time....


VIVA LA RESISTANCE!

Internal Conflict

Yesterday was stressful.

It was at the fault of no one but myself.

I feel so very alone all the time.

I have grown tired of seeking out the small happinesses that are few and far between.

I broke down yesterday. Again.

I went to mom's an took a hot bath and IMed a friend.

I felt kind of bad.

He wanted to help. He wanted me to talk to him. To tell him what was wrong.

But I couldn't.

I do not depend on others well.

They never fail to disappoint me.

They never fail to just go away when I have always been there for them as I am able.

I actually felt really bad, but I couldn't just up and make myself talk.

Opening up like that isn't easy for me.

Tug-o-War

Well. I am officially done figuring anything out in my life.

Last night, I went to Joel's for gaming after I got off of work.

I went in part because Andrew would be there.


I miss him...

A lot actually...


I don't even know what we are. A couple? Friends with benefits?

We acted like a couple, I think. That doesn't make us a couple though.

I just want something to work out. I want something to fall into place.

I want to not be confused. And I want to not hurt anyone when things do fall into place.

Obviously none of these things will ever happen.


I do know a few things.

One.
I miss Andrew.

Two.
Nothing about the way I feel for him has changed despite not getting to see him, having plans to see him get canceled, etc.

Three.
I like Kevin in some weird way. I do not know why.
Some of his habits remind me of a little of Andrew. Except that he has a job whereas Andrew does not.

Four.
Jason has just kind of disappeared out of my life in. My schedule keeps me from being online when he is. His does the same.
A sign maybe?

Five.
I kind of think I like a friend of mine who I have been helping deal with life in general.

Six.
I need to be shot. Honestly.
Because I can completely see something going terribly wrong in all of this. I can also see it getting worse. Neither of which I actually want to have happen, but both are likely.

Seven.
I may do everything in my power to try to get to go see Andrew tomorrow.
Just have to figure out how.

Zombie

I sayed out all night last night.

I left here (here being mom's house) around 11pm and did not return until after 6am.

I've kind of decided that it was worth it.

It was nice to have someone to do something with even if it was sit and watch movies all night with someone that I have spoken to online on and off for a while now and only seen once up until that point.

I'm waiting for the universe's cruel joke to kick back in.

For I cannot have something good without everything going terribly wrong.

But I am le tired.

Tonight I should probably go to sleep sometime before oh...I don't know...early in the morning.

Breeze

I never press for my position in one's life.

I am the subsitute that is good enough until something better comes along.

I am the book resting in the back on the highest shelf.

I am the smallest breeze on the most windy of days.


I do not want to press for my position in one's life.

I do not think that anyone should have to.


Maybe if I did, I wouldn't get left behind..?

Thinking...

I keep thinking of how it was in the beginning.

How you had so much time available for me.

Talk, text, email.

Then....

It all went away.

Did your something better come along so very quickly?

Now....

You complain that I text you too much.

So I stop texting.

And I only hear from you when you want a warm body to fill your bed.

Be it cuddle. Be it fuck.

I only hear from you when you seem to need something.

I don't stop it.

I won't stop it.

I may never have anything more than this in my life.

At least I have the company that I crave constantly every once in a grand while.

There is good with the bad. You just have to see it through the right eyes.

Even if it isn't truly good.

It is good enough.

DG

The silence is still there.

The empty sad silence.

It is unsatisfied as always.

I am tired of the lack of everything in my life.

I work.

I go to school.

I sleep.

I eat.

I fuck.

I am fucked.

I am fucked over.

I cry.

I'm tired of the lack of satisfaction.

Of the lack of love.

The lack of smiles.

The lack of the small affections that make the day worth facing.

For the days are not worth facing.


I have lost any and all concept of who I am.

I have lost any concept of where I am going in life.

I am simply here.

I get out of bed for no reason for why should one rise to be greeted with emptiness?

I pretend.

I function on a dysfunctional level.

I want to smile and mean it.

I want to smile and not fight back tears.

I want to say words and mean them.

Not say them and be saying them because they are what I should say even when it tears me apart inside to say them.

I want to say that I am fine or okay and actually mean it.


I want one good thing in my life.

And I will never have it.

Silence

Suddenly.

I am filled with this silence.

It is the sound of nothing. The feeling of that nothing.

There is no echo. There is no wind.

Just silence.

Silence of sadness and tears.

Silence of fears and whispers.

The silence of not knowing.

It saddens me to feel this silence.

Yet...

I prefer this silence to the noise that usually fills my head, mind, body, soul.

I think that it is just...easier.

Easier than disappointment.

Easier than the breakdowns.

Easier because I can feel the tears coming and prepare for them or fight them.

Easier because I do not feel the hole in my chest threating to tear me apart and suck me in at the same time.

At least not yet.

Easier because at least in the silence things seem to make a little more sense.

And in that there is hope.

Sigh.

Hrmph.

My days a fairly empty.

My nights are even more so.

I'm tired.

So very tired.

Of all of this.

Of empty days and empty nights.

Of letting my heart feel as it desires and having that thrown back in my face.

I'm just so very tired...

Arbidda

So my statistics teacher is a prick.

I didn't quite realize that I was paying an assload of money to go back to high school.

Assigned seats in statistics. No laptops.

I proceeded to sit in the back of the class and watch him intensely.

My composition teacher is pressing all of my buttons. Her time is seemingly limited.

She likes to try and make people feel bad over small things. Likes to make a big deal of things.

My deviant nature is very unhappy right now.

I never realized just how rebelious my nature truely is until I was sitting in statistics trying very hard to not "violate the social norms of the classroom setting."

Blind Path

I am starting down the path of an art major next semester. I am concentrating in photography, and I have absolutely no idea what I am going to do with me life.

And this comes from the girl that had her entire high school career planned out in the 8th grade. The girl had it figured out that she was going to major in business and get a good job (no idea what and it didn't matter) so that she could save up the funds to open a bookstore.

I have no idea where I am going. Honestly, it doesn't even matter right now because I want to do something that makes me happy. I like to take photographs. I love the feeling I get when others appreciate them or like them. It makes me feel like I do have some purpose in life even if it is most definitely undefined at the moment.

Maybe something will come out of this. If it doesn't, at least I enjoyed the ride.