I spent far too many hours in the car today.
Jay's car broke down. I, being the nice (or rather stupid) person that I am, drove to Johnson City to get him so that he could come back to Knoxville to get his mother's van. That is four hours or more, round trip, depending on traffic. then I drove back to my grandmother's because I forgot my computer which had everything I needed for the paper that I need to turn in. Then I drive back to Maryville, stop and get my check, go to the bank, and finally drive back here. And soon I get to drive back to work. When I get off, I get to drive back to Clinton.
Yay.
....Did I mention that I'm tired?....
Friday, February 29, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Friends....I should get some.
Well. In Statistics a while back, we were doing an activity in class. We were working in groups and we ran out of time and were going to finish it the next class period. Well. I got the flu and missed the next class period. I had the paper that we were writing everything on, not just part of it. With having the flu and not being in class, I had the paper.
So my group turned a new one in. Guess who they apparently left off of the paper. If you guessed me, you guessed right.
Friends. Aren't they great? I should get some.
So my group turned a new one in. Guess who they apparently left off of the paper. If you guessed me, you guessed right.
Friends. Aren't they great? I should get some.
By the way...
I'm kind of happy right now. It is very odd to have someone that cares like Andrew seems to.
I'm happy.
I'm happy.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Pessimistic Ophelia
I like my pessimism. At least when everything goes wrong, no one can tell me "I told you so".
I have made a decision. I will ask one thing. One. Then I will let it go for ever and after. I will hand over my letter of submission and walk away from it. For I have come to terms with the way that things are and the way that things will forever be.
And I have my pessimistic eyes set somewhere else, knowing that it will fall to a similarly destructive fate yet hoping to be wrong just this once.
I have made a decision. I will ask one thing. One. Then I will let it go for ever and after. I will hand over my letter of submission and walk away from it. For I have come to terms with the way that things are and the way that things will forever be.
And I have my pessimistic eyes set somewhere else, knowing that it will fall to a similarly destructive fate yet hoping to be wrong just this once.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Little Coughs, Lots of Energy
Mom has the guy that she is exceedingly taken up with in town. His two boys are in with him. One is sick again.
I love children.
I love children.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Pessimistic Phaeona, Optimistic Ophelia
I have so many words to say. To scream. All directed at one person.
I won't even say most of them.
I have so many words that I want so badly to say. To whisper. To communicate without words. All directed at one person.
I am afraid to say them.
Once upon a time, both of these scenarios were directed at the same individual. Now they are directed at two different ones. One is from the previous situation. One is a new person.
How can I be so conflicted constantly?
One tears my heart to shreds, yet I still love him even though he will never love me. Now I bitch at him and tell him most of what he does wrong. He doesn't seem to like that anymore than he likes my loving him.
One has managed to steal my heart, and yet he doesn't seem to want to be with me on some level. We act as though we are a couple yet we are not (unless I missed that memo).
It is too early to say that I love you, yet it is too late to say that I don't.
Can't I just have it easy for once? Just this once. Just with the one that I am smitten over. Please?
No?...Oh. Okay.
I won't even say most of them.
I have so many words that I want so badly to say. To whisper. To communicate without words. All directed at one person.
I am afraid to say them.
Once upon a time, both of these scenarios were directed at the same individual. Now they are directed at two different ones. One is from the previous situation. One is a new person.
How can I be so conflicted constantly?
One tears my heart to shreds, yet I still love him even though he will never love me. Now I bitch at him and tell him most of what he does wrong. He doesn't seem to like that anymore than he likes my loving him.
One has managed to steal my heart, and yet he doesn't seem to want to be with me on some level. We act as though we are a couple yet we are not (unless I missed that memo).
It is too early to say that I love you, yet it is too late to say that I don't.
Can't I just have it easy for once? Just this once. Just with the one that I am smitten over. Please?
No?...Oh. Okay.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Unrestrained
"...Doesn't mean that I need help getting to the place where tears fall unrestrained...."
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Happy Distractions
Right now, I am in my Statistics class. I should, honestly, be paying attention, but you see how well that is going right now.
Last night was happy. I was able to see Andrew before he goes to Birmingham and then to Texas. He will be back on Sunday. That, by the way, is a fairly long time away, right now.
We arranged to have dinner about 10:30 pm. Ended up being about 11, actually. He had forgotten something at his house and had to go back because he was leaving straight after seeing me.
We met in Turkey Creek and went to Steak and Shake, a place that I had never eaten at before. We sat and talked while we ate.
While we were walking into the building, he was examining a bracelet that was given to me over the weekend. It was wire, and Andrew plays with wire. It wasn't rings like he makes when he makes chainmail. It was weaving. I honestly think that it is adorable how he did it. He asked if he could take it apart, yes. He asked if I had bought it, no. Good, was what followed. He didn't actually take it apart, but if he had, that would have been fine too.
We left after about an hour, and I drove him back to his car.
I was back on campus at about 1:30 am. And I went to bed despite having things that I actually needed to get done.
He makes me happy. I don't know whether or not we are a couple, and right now, I don't care. I like him. We act like a couple. I am going to enjoy it while it lasts.
I'm trying not to let myself get in too deep that way if it goes wrong, I don't hurt so much. But then again, I'm already in too deep, I think.
Last night was happy. I was able to see Andrew before he goes to Birmingham and then to Texas. He will be back on Sunday. That, by the way, is a fairly long time away, right now.
We arranged to have dinner about 10:30 pm. Ended up being about 11, actually. He had forgotten something at his house and had to go back because he was leaving straight after seeing me.
We met in Turkey Creek and went to Steak and Shake, a place that I had never eaten at before. We sat and talked while we ate.
While we were walking into the building, he was examining a bracelet that was given to me over the weekend. It was wire, and Andrew plays with wire. It wasn't rings like he makes when he makes chainmail. It was weaving. I honestly think that it is adorable how he did it. He asked if he could take it apart, yes. He asked if I had bought it, no. Good, was what followed. He didn't actually take it apart, but if he had, that would have been fine too.
We left after about an hour, and I drove him back to his car.
I was back on campus at about 1:30 am. And I went to bed despite having things that I actually needed to get done.
He makes me happy. I don't know whether or not we are a couple, and right now, I don't care. I like him. We act like a couple. I am going to enjoy it while it lasts.
I'm trying not to let myself get in too deep that way if it goes wrong, I don't hurt so much. But then again, I'm already in too deep, I think.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Consider
I am considering leaving this blog and my flickr account behind. Considering.
I love to take photos and to share them, but what is the point of sharing if no one is there to share with. I post photos, one or two gets one view, and that is pretty much the end of it. Yet I check it obsessively.
I post on this blog. I spill most of my heart out here. Yet the things that I write are taken for face value by one that should know me well. Should, obviously, is the keyword and not the truth. Read one post and jump. That is what happens. The traffic on my blog shows how few and far between my friends truely are.
I am tired of this shell of an existance that I live. I want more, and I am trying to get more. I will not change who I am for that. Only work to improve.
We will see what comes of my considerations only with time.
I love to take photos and to share them, but what is the point of sharing if no one is there to share with. I post photos, one or two gets one view, and that is pretty much the end of it. Yet I check it obsessively.
I post on this blog. I spill most of my heart out here. Yet the things that I write are taken for face value by one that should know me well. Should, obviously, is the keyword and not the truth. Read one post and jump. That is what happens. The traffic on my blog shows how few and far between my friends truely are.
I am tired of this shell of an existance that I live. I want more, and I am trying to get more. I will not change who I am for that. Only work to improve.
We will see what comes of my considerations only with time.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Interesting
Interesting discovery. Someone around mom's house has wireless internet. I can get a connection off of their network. Always interesting to learn little facts like that. Even if you don't use them.
Tired
You know what makes you feel wonderful? When you realize that every one of your ex-relationships has found a new somebody and they are happy and you aren't. When you are alone and you see them together and happy. Yep. I love being so completely alone all the time.
I am so tired of seeing what I have never had with anyone. Of seeing how someone that I have been in a relationship with is acting with someone in a way that they never did with me. Of seeing what I will never have. I am tired of being alone.
I am so tired of seeing what I have never had with anyone. Of seeing how someone that I have been in a relationship with is acting with someone in a way that they never did with me. Of seeing what I will never have. I am tired of being alone.
Honey, I'm home!
Okay. So I am back in Maryville after my exciting trek through the middle of no where, magically coming out where I needed to end up.
We tried to leave early Friday. We even left campus earlier than originally planned. But I was having issues getting money out of my bank account so I had to visit mom to borrow money until they let me have access to my check in my account. The pumps at the gas station were backed up. Wendy's had to cook my food fresh, and what was supposed to be only about 6 minutes turned into 10 or more. Finally, we get on the interstate and go.
That is all fine and good until we get off at our exit and try to follow the directions that I got. Wasn't the first of the confusions though because I was supposed to take some ramp to the left and there wasn't a ramp to the left.
There was supposed to be a road on the right that we were supposed to turn on. IT DOESN'T EXIST I TELL YOU! Never found it. Did however find an extra left somewhere in the mix. We turned left TWICE to stay on TN101 when we were only supposed to turn left ONCE (after of course we turned right onto Knoxville Hwy/something/something).
You know those times when you drive for absolutely forever and swear up and down that you need to turn around but you keep going "just in case"? Yeah. Had so many of those times. Because really, when all of the scenery looks the same, you start to worry.
I had a fairly good weekend, honestly. Stayed up until after 3 am Central time (4 am here) Friday night. Woke up Saturday without a voice! They real kicker is that I was in the play that was to be performed that night. And I had no voice! Happy day!
I spent all of Saturday until time for the play drinking teas, honey, odd medieval gatorades. I didn't talk much. I would whisper before I would talk.
Then time for the play came. And I still had no voice! Yay! -.-
I could hear every time my voice was about to crack, but I just tried to ignore it and speak as loudly as I could so that I did my part as best as possible with the least possible number of times that my voice went out.
Then was court, followed by feast.
Feast was good. After the play, I didn't try to spare my voice. I just talked and did everything as I normally would. My voice was better for a while.
I got a broth from pork loin and pickled vegetables poured down my back. That was wonderful, I assure you. Especially since I hate anything pickled.
Next was dance, which was fun. Iazzie, who does our revels normally, left after feast because his lady was sick and at home with their two children and their grandson. Runolfr and Yves, together, led the revel. I was one of the first people there, walking in the door, Yves appears and asks if I want to dance. I said yes and turns out we were jumping into a dance and I was confused at first. Soon enough, I figured it out.
We danced for a while. Soon people began to go off to bed. Actually, everyone left aside from myself, another lady, and Yves. Yves and the other lady were going to do some drumming because she wanted to learn so I stayed. They stayed for a while and then Yves decided to turn in. So I went and wandered a bit before going to take a shower. After my shower I got my phone and wandered up the hill for my whopping one bar of signal to send a text message.
I wandered around a bit and then decided that I wanted to make a phone call (note that this is obviously a brilliant idea seeing as my voice had decided to go back out at this point). I didn't want to have to sit up on the hill for service so I wandered around on the deck until I found a place that I can sit and have a bar or two of service. Thus I proceeded to make my voice entirely more pleasant by wearing it down.
I was heading back in from my phone call when I began to talk to someone. We were sitting in the stairwell of the dormitory style sleeping arrangments. He was on a flight lower than I was, and we just stayed like that until I went off to bed at some fantasticly early hour in the morning.
Woke up this morning to the power being out and a storm about to come in. I was up early considering when I went to bed. Probably about 7:30, really. Then began the rapid packing of everything as to be able to try to leave in time to avoid the storm.
A two hour and 30-ish minute drive later, here I am.
I wasn't completely ignored. I was told that I wouldn't be and I wasn't. But then you left without saying goodbye. After everything else I watched through the day and everything in the past while, I see where my place is.
You kiss with me standing right there with no regard to the fact that you know how I feel about you. And I just pretend like nothing is ripping at the inside of my chest while I think about what I will never have, especially with a specific someone that I wish so greatly had gone with me this weekend.
Honestly, what would you do if I were to have kissed you during all of that? Even with your flu and her standing there. You would not know how to handle it, I think. I thought about doing it. Really I did. But I was nice. I am always nice.
We tried to leave early Friday. We even left campus earlier than originally planned. But I was having issues getting money out of my bank account so I had to visit mom to borrow money until they let me have access to my check in my account. The pumps at the gas station were backed up. Wendy's had to cook my food fresh, and what was supposed to be only about 6 minutes turned into 10 or more. Finally, we get on the interstate and go.
That is all fine and good until we get off at our exit and try to follow the directions that I got. Wasn't the first of the confusions though because I was supposed to take some ramp to the left and there wasn't a ramp to the left.
There was supposed to be a road on the right that we were supposed to turn on. IT DOESN'T EXIST I TELL YOU! Never found it. Did however find an extra left somewhere in the mix. We turned left TWICE to stay on TN101 when we were only supposed to turn left ONCE (after of course we turned right onto Knoxville Hwy/something/something).
You know those times when you drive for absolutely forever and swear up and down that you need to turn around but you keep going "just in case"? Yeah. Had so many of those times. Because really, when all of the scenery looks the same, you start to worry.
I had a fairly good weekend, honestly. Stayed up until after 3 am Central time (4 am here) Friday night. Woke up Saturday without a voice! They real kicker is that I was in the play that was to be performed that night. And I had no voice! Happy day!
I spent all of Saturday until time for the play drinking teas, honey, odd medieval gatorades. I didn't talk much. I would whisper before I would talk.
Then time for the play came. And I still had no voice! Yay! -.-
I could hear every time my voice was about to crack, but I just tried to ignore it and speak as loudly as I could so that I did my part as best as possible with the least possible number of times that my voice went out.
Then was court, followed by feast.
Feast was good. After the play, I didn't try to spare my voice. I just talked and did everything as I normally would. My voice was better for a while.
I got a broth from pork loin and pickled vegetables poured down my back. That was wonderful, I assure you. Especially since I hate anything pickled.
Next was dance, which was fun. Iazzie, who does our revels normally, left after feast because his lady was sick and at home with their two children and their grandson. Runolfr and Yves, together, led the revel. I was one of the first people there, walking in the door, Yves appears and asks if I want to dance. I said yes and turns out we were jumping into a dance and I was confused at first. Soon enough, I figured it out.
We danced for a while. Soon people began to go off to bed. Actually, everyone left aside from myself, another lady, and Yves. Yves and the other lady were going to do some drumming because she wanted to learn so I stayed. They stayed for a while and then Yves decided to turn in. So I went and wandered a bit before going to take a shower. After my shower I got my phone and wandered up the hill for my whopping one bar of signal to send a text message.
I wandered around a bit and then decided that I wanted to make a phone call (note that this is obviously a brilliant idea seeing as my voice had decided to go back out at this point). I didn't want to have to sit up on the hill for service so I wandered around on the deck until I found a place that I can sit and have a bar or two of service. Thus I proceeded to make my voice entirely more pleasant by wearing it down.
I was heading back in from my phone call when I began to talk to someone. We were sitting in the stairwell of the dormitory style sleeping arrangments. He was on a flight lower than I was, and we just stayed like that until I went off to bed at some fantasticly early hour in the morning.
Woke up this morning to the power being out and a storm about to come in. I was up early considering when I went to bed. Probably about 7:30, really. Then began the rapid packing of everything as to be able to try to leave in time to avoid the storm.
A two hour and 30-ish minute drive later, here I am.
I wasn't completely ignored. I was told that I wouldn't be and I wasn't. But then you left without saying goodbye. After everything else I watched through the day and everything in the past while, I see where my place is.
You kiss with me standing right there with no regard to the fact that you know how I feel about you. And I just pretend like nothing is ripping at the inside of my chest while I think about what I will never have, especially with a specific someone that I wish so greatly had gone with me this weekend.
Honestly, what would you do if I were to have kissed you during all of that? Even with your flu and her standing there. You would not know how to handle it, I think. I thought about doing it. Really I did. But I was nice. I am always nice.
Friday, February 15, 2008
We have the technology
I am wireless again. I am very thankful for that. The laptop isn't mine, but that is okay.
Aside from that, I am feeling a hell of a lot better than I have in a while. Expelling a lot of energy still kicks my ass. Going up stairs is taking more out of me than it did before. I don't know how long it will be before I can function completely normally. It could be a while, and that is okay. It could be worse, honestly.
Aside from that, I am feeling a hell of a lot better than I have in a while. Expelling a lot of energy still kicks my ass. Going up stairs is taking more out of me than it did before. I don't know how long it will be before I can function completely normally. It could be a while, and that is okay. It could be worse, honestly.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Ill-weather
I have slept most of the day. I have missed the two classes that I had today. My nose is running. My throat is still a little sore. I am fairly out of it.
But most of all...I am in desperate need of someone to pop my back.
But most of all...I am in desperate need of someone to pop my back.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Achy
My head hurts. My back aches. I can't walk very well. I am cold and then I am hot. I'm kind of shakey.
I think I have the flu.
What's sad is that I am going to go to work anyway because I desperately need the money.
I think I have the flu.
What's sad is that I am going to go to work anyway because I desperately need the money.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Word Vomit
almost wanted Never chosen.
I don't belong. I just stay because it is easier than trying. Yet it is so much harder. never loved
I will scream I love you
Please understand I will break
I don't know what to do with myself. I don't have the answers or theories.
I just want to be loved. Is that really so hard?
Secret messages, meanings can be hidden in even the most unconsidered space. Always keep your eyes open. Things that never seem to change are always truely changing. Even if it is only getting worse.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Yeah..
So I apparently hold the not so exciting power to depress myself within a matter of seconds.
Did it last night. Sucked. Went to bed.
I want to be happy. That is all fine and good until I am the one that is pushing me into the not so happy.
Did it last night. Sucked. Went to bed.
I want to be happy. That is all fine and good until I am the one that is pushing me into the not so happy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)