Sigh.

I feel down again. Yay swollen ankle.

Sunday, Sunny Day?

Went to Fighter Practice yesterday, per normal. I wasn't dressed like I do all the time. I was wearing a shorter white dress, a black duster over top, black fishnets, and a pair of shoes that would previously in life had ended up with me having a broken ankle. I dressed like that because I felt like it, and I don't get to do it often.

One of Reynard's friends showed up (this one was male, actually). And he and I talked while Joel and Reynard fought.

He thought that Joel and I were together.

When I had told him that we were not, we went on talking.

After practice, I called Auzzie because we were going to go hang out. She was about to go to her father's Memorial day thing and said that she would call me right after she got back.

I went and hung out with Johnny (that is his name) at his house while I waited for her to call me back.

Auzzie never called back, but Johnny and I seem to get along well. Shrug. Who knows.

Recap

Okay. I am a little behind in what I want to have posted. Time to fix this.

I did something out of character for me. Something I am not use to doing. Something that made me feel powerful, like I could do almost anything.

I stood up for myself to someone that I love, but have never really stood up to about much before. I am bad about just letting things go because I am not capable of handling my own emotions in a way that lets me deal with such things. I bottle things up until I can't take it anymore. Then and only then do they usually come out.

I felt good about myself. I felt like I could make the changes I am wanting to make in my life.

And then that feeling went away.

Called Joel. Oh. Sorry. Can't do the English Country Dancing this Sunday.

He had a good reason. But apparently the situation is a normal one for this Sunday. But he forgot Monday (today) was Memorial day. Opps.

So yet another set of empty words and broken promises is added to the list.

On Saturday I went over to see Joel because when I spoke with him on the phone it sounded like I needed to talk. And I did.

We are supposed to start going to the dancing on June 8th (Mark your calendars everyone).

I have a feeling that something is going to come up and change that. Kind of like the fact that yesterday at Fighter Practice Reynard said something about getting a group together to go to Chattanooga in two weeks. What date is two weeks from yesterday? Why June 8th. Surprise!

Taco Bell and Morning Messages

Part II: Morning Messages

After I dropped Andrew off at the bus station, I went to Joel's and crashed because I was tired and driving back to mom's when I am tired is not a good idea.

I didn't sleep solidly. I woke up when I heard noises, when he moved, when my phone went off in the livingroom and I could barely hear it.

In the morning, I didn't want to get up. Joel was already up and functioning, cleaning. When mom kept calling and messaging, he brough my bag into the room and set it on the bed. I sent her a message and went back to sleep.

I had an odd dream. When I remember my dreams and they feel real, I have to check.

So when I actually woke up, I grabbed my phone to check and see. I'm glad that it wasn't real.


Joel is fairly perceptive sometimes. Only sometimes. I don't mean this as a bad thing. I tend to hide things, and I can hide them fairly well most of the time.

"What's wrong?"

What always follows that question?

"Nothing."

He is sweet when he wants to be.

But sometimes I lie.

Usually, there is something wrong.

If I say that there isn't and he believes me, there generally isn't.

If I say that there isn't and he doesn't believe me, he is right to not believe me most of the time. But he generally believes me in the end.


I am not good at dealing with my own emotions. I notice the changes in myself when something is wrong. When I am upset. When I am depressed. Mad. Etc. I notice them. They are really rather obvious, but most people don't pay attention.

I'm not perfect. I will never be perfect.

I don't know that I will ever be what I want to be.

But I am what I am. And I will do what it takes to keep myself on a functioning level. Even if just barely.

Taco Bell and Morning Messages

Part I: Taco Bell

I went and saw Andrew last night.

He went out of town and will be gone until the 6th. I don't really get to see him because he lives an hour away and I can't afford the time or gas to go out there right now. It sucks.

But I saw him, and that was nice.

We met near East Towne Mall. We had to find some place to eat. Ended up at Taco Bell. I am not a bit fan of Taco Bell, personally, but I didn't complain. It was good all things considered.

We sat in the parking lot of Walmart and ate. Talked some. Sat quietly. Stared at each other.

He was keep saying that he was boring me, and he wasn't.

I treasure those moments with him. They are so very sweet and mean the world to me. The feeling I get when we kiss. When we touch. The smile that creeps on my face when I see him for the first time in however long. The feeling of his arms around me and our lips meeting for the first time in however long.

We don't have too terribly much in common. I don't know that anything more will come of this. But I treasure what I have with him and love the moments that we do get to spend together.

After a little while, I took him to the bus station.

I miss him.

Listening.

I am good at listening.

I am not good at being heard.

I listen, obey, and remain silent.

Silent. Silent. Silent.


Silence.


I do not handle my own emotions well.

I don't know how.

I am afraid of my own emotions.

So I bottle them up.

And when I do speak up....

....No one listens.

Absent.

I have been feeling rather blah recently. Allergies, it has been determined.

I haven't heard back from Iazzie. I don't know what that means. Because, honestly, it could just mean that he hasn't checked his email in a while, something I have been known to do from time to time.

I am broke, but I am going to see Andrew tonight anyway. He is leaving for Georgia late tonight. I am going to meet him in Knoxville maybe around 11. I miss him.

Was at Joel's last night. Just wanted someone to cuddle with and he offered. Truthfully, I think that he and I are simply comfortable. He loves someone else who lives too far away for him to see regularly. If she was lived closer, I wouldn't be in his world. I love company. Need it. Crave it. I grow tired of being alone. It will never be more than what it already is between us. I love him, yes. But I have moved past the hope of us ever being something. I love all of my ex's. I talk to all of them as well. (Except for the one that has been driving me crazy because he always messages me when I am in a foul mood and want to be left alone by people seeking advice and wise words.) I take what is offered and cling to it right now. I am in the middle of a revolution, and I just need something. Because I may very well have nothing when that is all said and done.

Lights, Music, and Dancing

So. I have decided to go forth with something I have been tossing back and forth for some months now.

I am going to contact Iazzie and see if he would be willing to teach me the SCA dances that he knows and help me to get to the point where I can talk others through the steps so that I could maybe (if I have enough guts) lead the dancing at an event.

But only if he who has said that he would be willing to help will help.

Hehe.

You should know that I can read people by now, dear (Not you, Joel). Pretend all you like, but when you face flushes despite your best efforts, I am right.

Finale

The school year is coming to a close.

I have finals today and tomorrow. I just have to make it through these...



I am on my last leg, and I cannot keep going like I do. It will be the end of me.

Be it in the context of school, work, relationships, friendships, general acquaintances, or getting out of bed in the morning.

I am losing the motivation to do the simplest of things.

I despise seeing the sun break the horizon for morning, and I dread the sun falling at night.

I watch and see what I dread every moment of the day, and the concept of hope is not one that I believe any longer. Give me something to believe, and I will end up finding it to be false. For why should I believe?

The Art of Suicide

"Life is not like a gloomy Sunday

With a second ending where the people are disturbed

Well they should be disturbed

Because there's a story that ought to be heard "

"The Art of Suicide"

Emilie Autumn

Touch

Touch me
Like you did in the beginning.
The past.

Touch me like you mean it.
Hold me as though I am all you have left.
Kiss me like you kiss the lips of the whiskey bottle.
That bittersweet kiss.

I dream of it.
Your touch.
Your lips.
The nightmare that haunts.

Let's play pretend.
Play make-believe.
You pretend that you love me.
I pretend that nothing has changed.

We make the most perfect couple, you know.
Opposites attract.
Opposites we are.
Perfect...

....And then I wake up.
You were nothing but a dream.
A cruel dream of kisses and smiles.
The nightmare within the nightmare.

Come back to me, my nightmare.
For you are my comfort...


----From the time when my words flowed more freely and the pen was my tool to escape.

And the morning brings...nothing new.

All I ask for is to be treated equally. Oh, I don't know. Maybe be treated like a person instead of a toy that can be put away when it isn't desired?

I never ask anyone for anything much.

I will not be your's or anyone else's dirty little secret. Not anymore. I am taking care of this.

I am a human being. Even if I don't feel like it. I should be treated like one. Because. Really. That isn't hard.

Remembering.

I poke your side as I slip passed. It's what I do, you know. I play. I poke. I am who I am. I can't change that.

It's dark out. It has been raining too. I played in the rain. You stayed inside with the others. I'm only seventeen, you know. You do know. I am only seventeen, and I am playing in the rain with my shoes off, my hair down.

I like the rain.

We danced. We danced, and we laughed, making faces like children. You held me closer than I would usually stand as we dance. You wouldn't let me move away very much. Only when I pulled my hands free to do something did you let go.

You were clumsy. You couldn't get your hands right. Grabbing the wrong hands or throwing off the dance somehow.

The dancing stopped.

Everyone moved off to go to sleep or to talk with others in clusters both in and out. And we talked a bit before you said that you were going to go.

I gathered my things and took them back to the cabin I shared with other girls. You stayed and talked before you were leaving.

I came back and joined a different cluster with a few I knew and a few I didn't. We talked, but you called one of them away to tell a story. I followed to see if it was one that I hadn't heard before.

I stood near you as not to be hit or walked over. It wasn't planned. You were just there when I moved out of the way. I didn't move. I didn't care. I was there to hear a story.

It was one that I had heard before, but it was a good one, a funny one. I stayed and listened. Then to a few more.

You said once again that you were leaving. You asked if you could have a hug and I let you. A hug is a hug. It never hurt anyone.

You were talking and bidding others goodbye as I slipped in to an empty room. I turned around and returned to the outside. You were still there amoungst the others.

I poke your side as I slip passed. It's what I do, you know.

I kept walking after. I didn't stop.

I heard you move away from the others. I heard their words. I took off running, smiling as I ran. I like to play sometimes. There is a child inside all of us occasionally.

I had to stop soon. I had no shoes on. I was about to end up in the gravel and hurt my feet.

I slowed down, but I didn't stop. I was going to keep going, just carefully.

But as I slowed, you caught up. I had spoken my thoughts on falling aloud and you spoke words in return. I didn't stop. I had just passed a tree and was near the end of the grass.

You grabbed me.

You grabbed me loosely, gently by my waist and pulled me back, between you and the tree. As you pulled me back, you turned me toward you.

I looked up, and for a split second our eyes locked.

You poked me.

I poked you back and slipped away, going to my cabin to sleep.

It is what you did.

You grabbed me by the waist and pulled me back slowly as if I had your heart and your love. As if we were together. As if you were trying to keep me from leaving because you didn't want to let me go. As if you truely did loved me....

You can't love me because you have only just met me, but that gesture...

My mind is muddled. That one gesture has sent me straight into a confused and muddled mess because no one does things like that with me. No one holds me like that.

Just think what could have happened if you had kissed me...


That was then. This is now. We have kissed. We have known each other. I have loved you. And you have loved another. And you never wanted me in the beginning, did you? You just wanted the body? The sex? The passion that I offered and you returned for another woman? I was never a possibility, was I? Just a fling that went a little array. I am inadequate to her, aren't I? I am nothing. I mean nothing to you. You are fine with it all as long as I don't bring up the ugly truth. Then you run. You hide. You stop speaking to me. Why? You should be proud, dear. You got what you wanted.

Sweetheart.

Do you want me out of your life?

Do you want me to go away?

Do you want me to stop feeling and let you use me?

Do you want me to make you hate me?

Do you want to stop thinking about the tears I shed over the decisions that you have made?

Do you want to stop thinking about the fact that I love you?


Have patience, my dear.

For I will go away.

And maybe then you will realize what you missed out on.

Public

I will make things public.
I will enlighten the dark.
I will clear away the cob webs and shadows and reveal the truth.

Tell them the truth, if you like.
It won't make me the bad guy.

You are the user, player.
You are the liar and deceiver.

Misery loves company.
Who will be your company?

Will they stand by you when your dirty secrets are outed?
Will they still love you?
Or will they love everyone else just as they do now?

You play your games.
At the end of the day you are alone.

Who else will drive to you to fill your bed?
Who else will remain silent in the light and only play in the dark?
Who will do so much and ask for nothing?
And demand nothing?
Who else will put up with your pinings and desires?

No one.

---Journal of the Broken Hearted

Begin Squeeling Girl Noises......now.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!

I have to admit. I am exceedingly happy.

At the beginning of August the new book in the Twilight series comes out. August 2nd to be exact. Yay!

AND. On December 12th, the Twilight movie comes out. I am absolutely positive that the movie will not match the book well and will disappoint me. And I doubt that the casting fits the pictures in my head. BUT I am looking forward to it nonetheless, and I am positive that it will be amazing.

*End squeeling girl noises.*

If you...

If you will not hug me,
I will hug you still.

If you will not kiss me,
I will kiss you still.

If you will not think of me,
I will think of you still.

If you will not love me,
I will love you still.

Always.

Until the end of time.
Until the winds stand still
And the rains fall no more.

For love is forever.
And love does not fade with time.

Love your little beauty now
And for as long as you desire.
For I will love you longer.

For my love is true.

Even if you will never love me,
I will always love you.

"Ophelia"

I found that on a blog, and I liked it.

So I share.

Substitute

I always told everyone that I was simply a substitute.

No one ever seems to believe me, but it is true.

That's okay. I accept it.

^.^

To be expected

Conversation at dinner:

*BlahblahblahstuffleadinguptothereasonthatIampostingthisblahblahblah*

"It's my life."

"Did you just say that she is your wife?" She was indicating me.

"What? No! God no!" Proceeds to back away from the table and away from me.

**Note that this is paraphrased because I don't remember the exact words.**


To be expected. That is what I thought. Generally. To be expected. Of course.


I suspect that this will be read by the person that responded in that way. There may even be a comment, be it via here or privately. Take no offense. I take none.

I'd die for you - you know.

"...I want to hold you to the sun

I want to be your faithful one

I want to show you all the beauty

You don't even know you hold

I'm hurting you for your own good

I'd die for you - you know

I would I'd give up all my wealth

To buy you back the soul you never sold

I want to mix our blood

And put it in the ground

So you can never leave

I want to earn your trust

Your faith your heart

You'll never be deceived..."

I cling to the past.

I know this.

I am not necessarily proud of this, but it is what it is.

I have plans to change this.

In time, I will not cling to the past.

The past will try to cling to me.

"...I want to mix our blood

And put it in the ground

So you can never leave

I want to earn your trust

Your faith your heart

You'll never be deceived

I want to mix our blood

And put it in the ground

So you can never leave

I want to earn your trust

Your faith your heart

You'll never be deceived

Liar Liar Liar Liar

I want to mix our blood

And put it in the ground

So you can never leave..."

"Liar" by Emilie Autumn

Fleeting Thought

I saw something a few moments ago.



"A pretty for you"



I started to ask for who...

But then I realized exactly who it would be meant for. And precisely who it would not be meant for.

...Then I changed the page...