Drop the Axe

Mom got laid off.

Caution

Caution: These emotions are too erratic to remain in public. When spotted, please return indoors where it is safe.

Reaffirmation

And then there are the feelings that come into play that remind me that I am not truly capable of being a polyamorist.

I just want to be enough for someone....And I don't know that I ever will be....

Situational Systematics

I am someplace where I shouldn't be, physically. Someplace that I can't afford to be, really, but I am here anyway.

And my mind wonders.

I had a strange dream last night in this place that I am not supposed to be. The place that I am not supposed to be with the person that I am not supposed to be there with. I dreamed that the person I was sleeping beside was possessed by something rather evil, and it was just weird. They tried to attack me, but I managed to fend them off. In the dream, I went back to sleep thinking that there would be two more attacks.

I didn't sleep well the rest of the night.

Aside from the dream.

Should I really have gone? I wanted to go. The person I shouldn't have been with said that they wanted me there.

Did they really want me there? Part of me says yes. Another part of me says no. The same part that is always wondering if my presence is truly desired by this person. Because what they say and what they do tend to not match up on some level.

I suppose that part of it is how I feel about myself.

I don't know.

My mind wondered to think about, among other things that I thought about, what kind of love it is that I want. Fairy tale love isn't real. There isn't a prince charming. And I am no damsel in distress. Yet part of me wants the find that perfect man (Note that there is no such thing as a perfect man) and live happily ever after.

Part of me fears that I have become what has hurt me in the past, a polyamorist. I don't know how true that is. I am afraid though, I think, because I have always wanted to find the one person to spend the rest of my life with. I don't know that it is true, that I am a polyamorist. I think I am just too stubborn to give up on what I have tried to have but was never given because it was given to someone else all along and I didn't know it. That I am trying to keep what I thought was a possibility even though the logical part of me knows that it is not a possibility. I believe that if I find the right person, giving up those two things won't hurt so bad. But I am probably just lying to myself because I am head over heels for both even though I know better.

Then there is the part of me that has really come to terms with my single-ness (Note that this is only part of me) and embraces it fully, wanting nothing more than to go out and just have a good time. Even though that is something that I don't get to do because I always have other obligations or am broke or whatever else.

And then there is the part of me that is tired of hiding things in the closet and pretending to be whatever it is that I pretend to be in public. For I never asked to be a dirty little secret. Yet that is what I turned into.

My wonders on.

I am just so tired of not knowing where I stand or what to do or what to say or what to act. There are things that I want to try, but I am too afraid to try them because of what other people will think of me. Of what I will think of me if I like it or if I don't. I'm tired of leaving out names or facts. Or telling lies because there is something that I want to do, someone that I want to see, or whatever and there are people that don't like it.

What's wrong with me?...

Self-Loathing Verson 2.0

I really do have some issues with myself. Really. They aren't fun.

I don't appreciate going out with someone that I care a great deal for because they wanted to see me and they were going be nearby so they came to pick me up only at have them flirting with other females.

Seriously?

I KNOW that I am not beautiful. Pretty. Sexy. Cute. Any of those. I know that I am not.

I KNOW that I am overweight (a.k.a. FAT).

I KNOW that I am socially awkward and don't know how to act in social situations.

But I really wish that I could feel good about myself with someone in public without them hitting on other females that are prettier or more publicly sexual than I am. It really doesn't help much more than to make me feel even more insecure about myself than I already was.

I hate myself.

I hate my stomach. My thighs. My upper arms. My face. My chin. My stretch marks. My hands. My feet. My freckles. My lips. My eyes. My ears. My tears. My smiles. My frowns. My emotions. My mind. The way I walk. The way I talk. My personality. My sexuality. My inadequacy.

I hate myself from head to toe and everything in between.

And nothing makes that better. Things really just make it worse.

I hate myself. And I really hate the fact that I do.

I try to change it....

And then I fall back down.

I'm a loser, I know.

I know I haven't posted here since my birthday. Stuff has been going on.

....And I am a lazy bum who just hasn't signed in to post.

Just thought that I would inform everyone that I am still, in fact, alive. Not that many people check here. I know better than that. But I am alive nonetheless.

19

Happy birthday to me, I suppose.

I'm tired and am only up right now because mom called and informed me that it was starting to sprinkle and I had a laundry outside that I need dry rather than wet.

I start back to class today.

I am moving up to my Grandma's.

I am going to go take a shower and wash my hair out and my makeup off from yesterday. Normally would do this kind of thing before I go to sleep, but I didn't get home until after 2 because I went and met up with someone. Went to bed a little after 3. And am thoroughly exhausted. But I had an excellent time, really. It was wonderful.

I don't know if this is going to be a good day or not. All I can do is wait and see. It started on a good note at midnight. Except for the whole still being awake when I had been up since 7 am yesterday.

I want it to be a good day, really.

On top of things..

I'm on top of figuring things out right now.

Just trying to get something going right in my world.

Yes. I might end up working at McDonald's. And for now, I will be okay with that.

Just a little update...

I'm still unemployed.

I'm not going to Maryville College this year.

I may very well be moving.

I'm rather quite smitten. Which is not necessarily a good thing with the situation as it stands.

Oh. And I'm tired of being alone.

Headache

My head hurts. My eyes are sore from crying. And I am thoroughly pissed off...

I was fired from my job today...For something that I did not do.

If I had known Saturday that I was going to be fired today, I would have done it, but I didn't. So I drove all the way to work to be told that I didn't have a job. Fuckers. Let me waste my gas and drive up there to be told that I don't have a job. You little bastards. You have my phone number. Call my phone and tell me. Don't make me waste my gas.

The Path Most Discouraged

Had lunch with my grandma. Told her that I am studying Art.

I love her to death. She is wonderful and sweet.

But I don't think she wants me to study Art.

Had that lovely 'what are you going to do with your life' conversation. You need to study something that will help you get a job. What are you going to do with that? I'm not trying to push you into something that you don't like, but...

I like to take photos. Even if I am not great at it, or even good. I like to do it. Why can't the people that are supposed to love me and care for me support me in what I want to do?

A Dull Ringing

The silence is a dull ringing.

The loneliness is a dull pang.

And the tears are hollow and ever flowing.


At least that is how it feels.

I still get up and go though. With the emptiness and the loneliness.

Neither of them will go away. Because very few people at all seem to want me around, and I am tired of fighting that feeling.

My tears are a silent and private matter. For no one should have to share that burden.

So thank you, you know who you are, for keeping me in line and in my place.

Once more....With feeling....

You know...That saying has never been prefaced with what feeling....

Welcome to the end of my rope.....I can't really keep going like this....

I hope for what I can't and will never have.....I care for what cares not for me.....I would do anything and only have the favor returned by being tossed aside, ignored, and unloved....

Welcome to the end of my rope....Sadly....I will only keep going....

Them's the rules..."

...And that's how we play it."


You can take your age difference and shove it.

I have done nothing to warrant you taking what others have done to you out on me.

You can take your one sided rules and your lack of ability to care for anyone other than yourself and find someone willing to sit silently and take it. You lost that in me in October.

As the hours pass, memories do not fade

Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my father's death.

I am neither happy nor sad. I am not angry or disappointed. I am.

I shed my tears over my father last year. Not over his death. But over the fact that he was not the man or father that he should have been.

I am worried, though, about how things will be around the house. For my sister and brother were still rather attached to the abusive man that was our father. And that man left behind quite a mess for my mother to deal with. Financially. It is a problem.

I feel as though I am the one that is supposed to fix everything. But I just don't know how...

Soon

Soon, I think.

Soon I think that this will not be where my attentions predominately lie.

When that time comes, I will tell you.

But if you wish to find me, you will have to look. Which will, truly, not be hard.

My location will be hidden on this page somewhere.

Hidden in plain sight.

Silent, but present

I haven't really posted much lately. Haven't really had the time or the energy to put everything into words somewhere. And I only feel like voicing one thing now.

A friend of mine has asked me to be a model for her photographs. I've never really done that before. Not really. Not much. It made me feel good when she asked.

Thank you, Krista.

Clinging

Clinging.

That is precisely all I am doing.

I cling to the small things. To moments.

I live for the small things and moments for they are all I have.

Moments...Feelings...Small things...

The feeling of a laugh on a day that just makes you want to sit down and cry because you just can't do it anymore.

The feeling of slipping into a different world and forgetting all about your world.

The low, dull pang that comes when something you didn't know was there is sqashed before your eyes.

The fact that your world enters the different world when moments like that happen.

Finding something that just makes you smile when all you can do is frown.

The feeling of responsibility when all you want to do is quit.

Wanting to wrap your arms around someone else to make them feel better when all you want is someone to wrap their arms around you and let you cry.

Wanting so badly to be someone that you aren't.

Wanting to be in a position you have no right to be in because you aren't wanted there.

Going back to your old addiction to get away from your new one.

Not slipping back to the days when cold steel was your friend and your release.

Doing something or not doing something so that you simply aren't following down the dark path already traveled before you came along.

Realizing that the only moments, small things, and feelings that you have to cling to aren't happy ones....

Hrmph.

Okay. So I have a few things that I want to say.

First of all...

I am tired of trying. If you don't like it, eat me. I don't care. All trying does is end up with me crying and miserable.

Second of all...

I am over happy couples. They make me quite unhappy since I don't have that, have never had that, and never will have that.

Stop being happy and couple-y, okay? Got it?

Good.

Good day.

Changes

I made a few changes over the weekend. They really only cosmetic, but they made me feel a little better about myself.

They are only the beginning though. I am working on it.

And as time goes on, I am going to be thinking about whether or not I am going to keep posting in this blog. I will not delete it, but I may stop posting in it.

Less, More, and Un

Note: Yes. This blog comes with a warning of sorts. A caution, if you will. I realize that this may cause a not so good reaction. I may be contacted for it. But I have to say it because it will just eat at me if I don't.


I have never felt less important, more used, and more un-pretty than I did at one point yesterday.

No one's fault but my own, really. Always my own.

This too shall pass into the depths of my mind. Never leaves, just fades to the background to become yet another component of who I am. Why change that? Why change the patterns of life as I know them?

Sigh.

I feel down again. Yay swollen ankle.

Sunday, Sunny Day?

Went to Fighter Practice yesterday, per normal. I wasn't dressed like I do all the time. I was wearing a shorter white dress, a black duster over top, black fishnets, and a pair of shoes that would previously in life had ended up with me having a broken ankle. I dressed like that because I felt like it, and I don't get to do it often.

One of Reynard's friends showed up (this one was male, actually). And he and I talked while Joel and Reynard fought.

He thought that Joel and I were together.

When I had told him that we were not, we went on talking.

After practice, I called Auzzie because we were going to go hang out. She was about to go to her father's Memorial day thing and said that she would call me right after she got back.

I went and hung out with Johnny (that is his name) at his house while I waited for her to call me back.

Auzzie never called back, but Johnny and I seem to get along well. Shrug. Who knows.

Recap

Okay. I am a little behind in what I want to have posted. Time to fix this.

I did something out of character for me. Something I am not use to doing. Something that made me feel powerful, like I could do almost anything.

I stood up for myself to someone that I love, but have never really stood up to about much before. I am bad about just letting things go because I am not capable of handling my own emotions in a way that lets me deal with such things. I bottle things up until I can't take it anymore. Then and only then do they usually come out.

I felt good about myself. I felt like I could make the changes I am wanting to make in my life.

And then that feeling went away.

Called Joel. Oh. Sorry. Can't do the English Country Dancing this Sunday.

He had a good reason. But apparently the situation is a normal one for this Sunday. But he forgot Monday (today) was Memorial day. Opps.

So yet another set of empty words and broken promises is added to the list.

On Saturday I went over to see Joel because when I spoke with him on the phone it sounded like I needed to talk. And I did.

We are supposed to start going to the dancing on June 8th (Mark your calendars everyone).

I have a feeling that something is going to come up and change that. Kind of like the fact that yesterday at Fighter Practice Reynard said something about getting a group together to go to Chattanooga in two weeks. What date is two weeks from yesterday? Why June 8th. Surprise!

Taco Bell and Morning Messages

Part II: Morning Messages

After I dropped Andrew off at the bus station, I went to Joel's and crashed because I was tired and driving back to mom's when I am tired is not a good idea.

I didn't sleep solidly. I woke up when I heard noises, when he moved, when my phone went off in the livingroom and I could barely hear it.

In the morning, I didn't want to get up. Joel was already up and functioning, cleaning. When mom kept calling and messaging, he brough my bag into the room and set it on the bed. I sent her a message and went back to sleep.

I had an odd dream. When I remember my dreams and they feel real, I have to check.

So when I actually woke up, I grabbed my phone to check and see. I'm glad that it wasn't real.


Joel is fairly perceptive sometimes. Only sometimes. I don't mean this as a bad thing. I tend to hide things, and I can hide them fairly well most of the time.

"What's wrong?"

What always follows that question?

"Nothing."

He is sweet when he wants to be.

But sometimes I lie.

Usually, there is something wrong.

If I say that there isn't and he believes me, there generally isn't.

If I say that there isn't and he doesn't believe me, he is right to not believe me most of the time. But he generally believes me in the end.


I am not good at dealing with my own emotions. I notice the changes in myself when something is wrong. When I am upset. When I am depressed. Mad. Etc. I notice them. They are really rather obvious, but most people don't pay attention.

I'm not perfect. I will never be perfect.

I don't know that I will ever be what I want to be.

But I am what I am. And I will do what it takes to keep myself on a functioning level. Even if just barely.

Taco Bell and Morning Messages

Part I: Taco Bell

I went and saw Andrew last night.

He went out of town and will be gone until the 6th. I don't really get to see him because he lives an hour away and I can't afford the time or gas to go out there right now. It sucks.

But I saw him, and that was nice.

We met near East Towne Mall. We had to find some place to eat. Ended up at Taco Bell. I am not a bit fan of Taco Bell, personally, but I didn't complain. It was good all things considered.

We sat in the parking lot of Walmart and ate. Talked some. Sat quietly. Stared at each other.

He was keep saying that he was boring me, and he wasn't.

I treasure those moments with him. They are so very sweet and mean the world to me. The feeling I get when we kiss. When we touch. The smile that creeps on my face when I see him for the first time in however long. The feeling of his arms around me and our lips meeting for the first time in however long.

We don't have too terribly much in common. I don't know that anything more will come of this. But I treasure what I have with him and love the moments that we do get to spend together.

After a little while, I took him to the bus station.

I miss him.

Listening.

I am good at listening.

I am not good at being heard.

I listen, obey, and remain silent.

Silent. Silent. Silent.


Silence.


I do not handle my own emotions well.

I don't know how.

I am afraid of my own emotions.

So I bottle them up.

And when I do speak up....

....No one listens.

Absent.

I have been feeling rather blah recently. Allergies, it has been determined.

I haven't heard back from Iazzie. I don't know what that means. Because, honestly, it could just mean that he hasn't checked his email in a while, something I have been known to do from time to time.

I am broke, but I am going to see Andrew tonight anyway. He is leaving for Georgia late tonight. I am going to meet him in Knoxville maybe around 11. I miss him.

Was at Joel's last night. Just wanted someone to cuddle with and he offered. Truthfully, I think that he and I are simply comfortable. He loves someone else who lives too far away for him to see regularly. If she was lived closer, I wouldn't be in his world. I love company. Need it. Crave it. I grow tired of being alone. It will never be more than what it already is between us. I love him, yes. But I have moved past the hope of us ever being something. I love all of my ex's. I talk to all of them as well. (Except for the one that has been driving me crazy because he always messages me when I am in a foul mood and want to be left alone by people seeking advice and wise words.) I take what is offered and cling to it right now. I am in the middle of a revolution, and I just need something. Because I may very well have nothing when that is all said and done.

Lights, Music, and Dancing

So. I have decided to go forth with something I have been tossing back and forth for some months now.

I am going to contact Iazzie and see if he would be willing to teach me the SCA dances that he knows and help me to get to the point where I can talk others through the steps so that I could maybe (if I have enough guts) lead the dancing at an event.

But only if he who has said that he would be willing to help will help.

Hehe.

You should know that I can read people by now, dear (Not you, Joel). Pretend all you like, but when you face flushes despite your best efforts, I am right.

Finale

The school year is coming to a close.

I have finals today and tomorrow. I just have to make it through these...



I am on my last leg, and I cannot keep going like I do. It will be the end of me.

Be it in the context of school, work, relationships, friendships, general acquaintances, or getting out of bed in the morning.

I am losing the motivation to do the simplest of things.

I despise seeing the sun break the horizon for morning, and I dread the sun falling at night.

I watch and see what I dread every moment of the day, and the concept of hope is not one that I believe any longer. Give me something to believe, and I will end up finding it to be false. For why should I believe?

The Art of Suicide

"Life is not like a gloomy Sunday

With a second ending where the people are disturbed

Well they should be disturbed

Because there's a story that ought to be heard "

"The Art of Suicide"

Emilie Autumn

Touch

Touch me
Like you did in the beginning.
The past.

Touch me like you mean it.
Hold me as though I am all you have left.
Kiss me like you kiss the lips of the whiskey bottle.
That bittersweet kiss.

I dream of it.
Your touch.
Your lips.
The nightmare that haunts.

Let's play pretend.
Play make-believe.
You pretend that you love me.
I pretend that nothing has changed.

We make the most perfect couple, you know.
Opposites attract.
Opposites we are.
Perfect...

....And then I wake up.
You were nothing but a dream.
A cruel dream of kisses and smiles.
The nightmare within the nightmare.

Come back to me, my nightmare.
For you are my comfort...


----From the time when my words flowed more freely and the pen was my tool to escape.

And the morning brings...nothing new.

All I ask for is to be treated equally. Oh, I don't know. Maybe be treated like a person instead of a toy that can be put away when it isn't desired?

I never ask anyone for anything much.

I will not be your's or anyone else's dirty little secret. Not anymore. I am taking care of this.

I am a human being. Even if I don't feel like it. I should be treated like one. Because. Really. That isn't hard.

Remembering.

I poke your side as I slip passed. It's what I do, you know. I play. I poke. I am who I am. I can't change that.

It's dark out. It has been raining too. I played in the rain. You stayed inside with the others. I'm only seventeen, you know. You do know. I am only seventeen, and I am playing in the rain with my shoes off, my hair down.

I like the rain.

We danced. We danced, and we laughed, making faces like children. You held me closer than I would usually stand as we dance. You wouldn't let me move away very much. Only when I pulled my hands free to do something did you let go.

You were clumsy. You couldn't get your hands right. Grabbing the wrong hands or throwing off the dance somehow.

The dancing stopped.

Everyone moved off to go to sleep or to talk with others in clusters both in and out. And we talked a bit before you said that you were going to go.

I gathered my things and took them back to the cabin I shared with other girls. You stayed and talked before you were leaving.

I came back and joined a different cluster with a few I knew and a few I didn't. We talked, but you called one of them away to tell a story. I followed to see if it was one that I hadn't heard before.

I stood near you as not to be hit or walked over. It wasn't planned. You were just there when I moved out of the way. I didn't move. I didn't care. I was there to hear a story.

It was one that I had heard before, but it was a good one, a funny one. I stayed and listened. Then to a few more.

You said once again that you were leaving. You asked if you could have a hug and I let you. A hug is a hug. It never hurt anyone.

You were talking and bidding others goodbye as I slipped in to an empty room. I turned around and returned to the outside. You were still there amoungst the others.

I poke your side as I slip passed. It's what I do, you know.

I kept walking after. I didn't stop.

I heard you move away from the others. I heard their words. I took off running, smiling as I ran. I like to play sometimes. There is a child inside all of us occasionally.

I had to stop soon. I had no shoes on. I was about to end up in the gravel and hurt my feet.

I slowed down, but I didn't stop. I was going to keep going, just carefully.

But as I slowed, you caught up. I had spoken my thoughts on falling aloud and you spoke words in return. I didn't stop. I had just passed a tree and was near the end of the grass.

You grabbed me.

You grabbed me loosely, gently by my waist and pulled me back, between you and the tree. As you pulled me back, you turned me toward you.

I looked up, and for a split second our eyes locked.

You poked me.

I poked you back and slipped away, going to my cabin to sleep.

It is what you did.

You grabbed me by the waist and pulled me back slowly as if I had your heart and your love. As if we were together. As if you were trying to keep me from leaving because you didn't want to let me go. As if you truely did loved me....

You can't love me because you have only just met me, but that gesture...

My mind is muddled. That one gesture has sent me straight into a confused and muddled mess because no one does things like that with me. No one holds me like that.

Just think what could have happened if you had kissed me...


That was then. This is now. We have kissed. We have known each other. I have loved you. And you have loved another. And you never wanted me in the beginning, did you? You just wanted the body? The sex? The passion that I offered and you returned for another woman? I was never a possibility, was I? Just a fling that went a little array. I am inadequate to her, aren't I? I am nothing. I mean nothing to you. You are fine with it all as long as I don't bring up the ugly truth. Then you run. You hide. You stop speaking to me. Why? You should be proud, dear. You got what you wanted.

Sweetheart.

Do you want me out of your life?

Do you want me to go away?

Do you want me to stop feeling and let you use me?

Do you want me to make you hate me?

Do you want to stop thinking about the tears I shed over the decisions that you have made?

Do you want to stop thinking about the fact that I love you?


Have patience, my dear.

For I will go away.

And maybe then you will realize what you missed out on.

Public

I will make things public.
I will enlighten the dark.
I will clear away the cob webs and shadows and reveal the truth.

Tell them the truth, if you like.
It won't make me the bad guy.

You are the user, player.
You are the liar and deceiver.

Misery loves company.
Who will be your company?

Will they stand by you when your dirty secrets are outed?
Will they still love you?
Or will they love everyone else just as they do now?

You play your games.
At the end of the day you are alone.

Who else will drive to you to fill your bed?
Who else will remain silent in the light and only play in the dark?
Who will do so much and ask for nothing?
And demand nothing?
Who else will put up with your pinings and desires?

No one.

---Journal of the Broken Hearted

Begin Squeeling Girl Noises......now.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!

I have to admit. I am exceedingly happy.

At the beginning of August the new book in the Twilight series comes out. August 2nd to be exact. Yay!

AND. On December 12th, the Twilight movie comes out. I am absolutely positive that the movie will not match the book well and will disappoint me. And I doubt that the casting fits the pictures in my head. BUT I am looking forward to it nonetheless, and I am positive that it will be amazing.

*End squeeling girl noises.*

If you...

If you will not hug me,
I will hug you still.

If you will not kiss me,
I will kiss you still.

If you will not think of me,
I will think of you still.

If you will not love me,
I will love you still.

Always.

Until the end of time.
Until the winds stand still
And the rains fall no more.

For love is forever.
And love does not fade with time.

Love your little beauty now
And for as long as you desire.
For I will love you longer.

For my love is true.

Even if you will never love me,
I will always love you.

"Ophelia"

I found that on a blog, and I liked it.

So I share.

Substitute

I always told everyone that I was simply a substitute.

No one ever seems to believe me, but it is true.

That's okay. I accept it.

^.^

To be expected

Conversation at dinner:

*BlahblahblahstuffleadinguptothereasonthatIampostingthisblahblahblah*

"It's my life."

"Did you just say that she is your wife?" She was indicating me.

"What? No! God no!" Proceeds to back away from the table and away from me.

**Note that this is paraphrased because I don't remember the exact words.**


To be expected. That is what I thought. Generally. To be expected. Of course.


I suspect that this will be read by the person that responded in that way. There may even be a comment, be it via here or privately. Take no offense. I take none.

I'd die for you - you know.

"...I want to hold you to the sun

I want to be your faithful one

I want to show you all the beauty

You don't even know you hold

I'm hurting you for your own good

I'd die for you - you know

I would I'd give up all my wealth

To buy you back the soul you never sold

I want to mix our blood

And put it in the ground

So you can never leave

I want to earn your trust

Your faith your heart

You'll never be deceived..."

I cling to the past.

I know this.

I am not necessarily proud of this, but it is what it is.

I have plans to change this.

In time, I will not cling to the past.

The past will try to cling to me.

"...I want to mix our blood

And put it in the ground

So you can never leave

I want to earn your trust

Your faith your heart

You'll never be deceived

I want to mix our blood

And put it in the ground

So you can never leave

I want to earn your trust

Your faith your heart

You'll never be deceived

Liar Liar Liar Liar

I want to mix our blood

And put it in the ground

So you can never leave..."

"Liar" by Emilie Autumn

Fleeting Thought

I saw something a few moments ago.



"A pretty for you"



I started to ask for who...

But then I realized exactly who it would be meant for. And precisely who it would not be meant for.

...Then I changed the page...

Yeah...

So I am not entirely sure what is going on....

But....

My hands are doing something funny.

They are either breaking out, drying out, or a combination of both.

On my thumbs and my index finger, where the inner sides meet.

It looks ugly. And I don't like it.

I am treating it as best as I know how:

Use whatever I have handy that may make it go away.

I think it may be from work. I don't know.

Don't like it.

Will fix it.

Weekend and Monday

Weekend was good over all. A few not so wonderful spots.

Went to Nashville Sunday night, to +Salvation+. We drove up there that night and back right after, placing us back in Maryville around 7 am.

Was fairly good.

Got hit on by this guy.

I almost feel bad for shooting him down so quickly.

Almost.

He picked a very bad time to do it because I had had alittle freak out just moments before and was still reeling from it. Thoroughly pissed off.

And he was trying a bit too hard.

By a bit, I mean a lot.

I was rude. I admit it.

I shouldn't have been, but I was.


Monday was special.

I had the most exciting thing happen in that not at all exciting way.

I had a panic/anxiety attack.

Did not know that that was what it was at the time.

I just knew that I felt like I was dying and I didn't know what to do.

Long story short: I was trying to take a nap before I went to work. Woke up twice. The second time I hurt. Badly. (There were other things: shaking, nausea, dizziness. But the pain was the main issue that I was focusing on) Couldn't figure out what it was. Felt like I was dying. Tried to fix the problem (changing positions, taking a shower), and decided that if I was going to die, I was going to do it at mom's and not in the dorm. At least I would have privacy, even if it would only be a little. I drove like that (Not smart by the way), and as I almost neared the house, it just disappeared. That scared the hell out of me more.

Exciting stuff that.

^.^;

Color Me Happy?

Christie took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Has an imperative need for some bond or fusion wit..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

"Let's do the Time Warp again!!"

"Let's do the Time Warp again!!"
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

Doing the Time Warp at Temple last Saturday night (April 19th).

****I DID NOT TAKE THIS PHOTO.****
In its original location: raywen.org/Temple/041908/
There you can see the photographer's other photos.

Trio

Trio
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

Laura (left), Tyler (right), and myself (center) at Temple last Saturday night (April 19th).

****I DID NOT TAKE THIS PHOTO.****
In its original location: raywen.org/Temple/041908/
There you can see the photographer's other photos.

Narf.

So.

I have come to the conclusion that I would not blame any person on the face of the planet ever if they did not want to be involved with me.

I am fucked up on several levels.

One thing that can be awkward or confusing is my relationship with my exs.

I don't push them away.

In fact..I keep them around if I can help it.

We are essentially friend's with benefits.

But if I were to get involved with someone on a real level, I would stop the benefits. I would remain friends, but the benefits would be gone.

Sorry.

Just kind of musing.

Been thinking about things a lot in the last while.

REVOLUTION!

So. I hurt myself today.

Always fun.

I was sitting here in my dorm room with Tyler, the friend that I mentioned in the previous post.

I had gotten up and left the room momentarily to use the bathroom. When I came back, I went to get on the bed and somehow hurt myself.

Yay. -.-

Anyway.


REVOLUTION!

I am going to live for me.

(At least that is what I keep telling myself.)

I want to be happy.

Maybe the happiness is right before my eyes.

You never know.

I never know for that matter.

My horoscopes keep telling me that I fall for my best friends and never know why.

It has kind of been true thus far.

Except that I usually fall for someone and then they become my best friend.

..and then I refuse to let them up and disappear out of my life if I can control it.

I kind of consider someone else my best friend right now. I don't even now the person well.

Shrug.

Sweet person.

A little problematic such as myself.

I kind of have feelings towards them.

They are very loosely defined, and I am a bit wary of them. (The feelings, that is.)

Haven't decided what to do. (Per normal.)


Well. Until then...or next time....


VIVA LA RESISTANCE!

Internal Conflict

Yesterday was stressful.

It was at the fault of no one but myself.

I feel so very alone all the time.

I have grown tired of seeking out the small happinesses that are few and far between.

I broke down yesterday. Again.

I went to mom's an took a hot bath and IMed a friend.

I felt kind of bad.

He wanted to help. He wanted me to talk to him. To tell him what was wrong.

But I couldn't.

I do not depend on others well.

They never fail to disappoint me.

They never fail to just go away when I have always been there for them as I am able.

I actually felt really bad, but I couldn't just up and make myself talk.

Opening up like that isn't easy for me.

Tug-o-War

Well. I am officially done figuring anything out in my life.

Last night, I went to Joel's for gaming after I got off of work.

I went in part because Andrew would be there.


I miss him...

A lot actually...


I don't even know what we are. A couple? Friends with benefits?

We acted like a couple, I think. That doesn't make us a couple though.

I just want something to work out. I want something to fall into place.

I want to not be confused. And I want to not hurt anyone when things do fall into place.

Obviously none of these things will ever happen.


I do know a few things.

One.
I miss Andrew.

Two.
Nothing about the way I feel for him has changed despite not getting to see him, having plans to see him get canceled, etc.

Three.
I like Kevin in some weird way. I do not know why.
Some of his habits remind me of a little of Andrew. Except that he has a job whereas Andrew does not.

Four.
Jason has just kind of disappeared out of my life in. My schedule keeps me from being online when he is. His does the same.
A sign maybe?

Five.
I kind of think I like a friend of mine who I have been helping deal with life in general.

Six.
I need to be shot. Honestly.
Because I can completely see something going terribly wrong in all of this. I can also see it getting worse. Neither of which I actually want to have happen, but both are likely.

Seven.
I may do everything in my power to try to get to go see Andrew tomorrow.
Just have to figure out how.

Zombie

I sayed out all night last night.

I left here (here being mom's house) around 11pm and did not return until after 6am.

I've kind of decided that it was worth it.

It was nice to have someone to do something with even if it was sit and watch movies all night with someone that I have spoken to online on and off for a while now and only seen once up until that point.

I'm waiting for the universe's cruel joke to kick back in.

For I cannot have something good without everything going terribly wrong.

But I am le tired.

Tonight I should probably go to sleep sometime before oh...I don't know...early in the morning.

Breeze

I never press for my position in one's life.

I am the subsitute that is good enough until something better comes along.

I am the book resting in the back on the highest shelf.

I am the smallest breeze on the most windy of days.


I do not want to press for my position in one's life.

I do not think that anyone should have to.


Maybe if I did, I wouldn't get left behind..?

Thinking...

I keep thinking of how it was in the beginning.

How you had so much time available for me.

Talk, text, email.

Then....

It all went away.

Did your something better come along so very quickly?

Now....

You complain that I text you too much.

So I stop texting.

And I only hear from you when you want a warm body to fill your bed.

Be it cuddle. Be it fuck.

I only hear from you when you seem to need something.

I don't stop it.

I won't stop it.

I may never have anything more than this in my life.

At least I have the company that I crave constantly every once in a grand while.

There is good with the bad. You just have to see it through the right eyes.

Even if it isn't truly good.

It is good enough.

DG

The silence is still there.

The empty sad silence.

It is unsatisfied as always.

I am tired of the lack of everything in my life.

I work.

I go to school.

I sleep.

I eat.

I fuck.

I am fucked.

I am fucked over.

I cry.

I'm tired of the lack of satisfaction.

Of the lack of love.

The lack of smiles.

The lack of the small affections that make the day worth facing.

For the days are not worth facing.


I have lost any and all concept of who I am.

I have lost any concept of where I am going in life.

I am simply here.

I get out of bed for no reason for why should one rise to be greeted with emptiness?

I pretend.

I function on a dysfunctional level.

I want to smile and mean it.

I want to smile and not fight back tears.

I want to say words and mean them.

Not say them and be saying them because they are what I should say even when it tears me apart inside to say them.

I want to say that I am fine or okay and actually mean it.


I want one good thing in my life.

And I will never have it.

Silence

Suddenly.

I am filled with this silence.

It is the sound of nothing. The feeling of that nothing.

There is no echo. There is no wind.

Just silence.

Silence of sadness and tears.

Silence of fears and whispers.

The silence of not knowing.

It saddens me to feel this silence.

Yet...

I prefer this silence to the noise that usually fills my head, mind, body, soul.

I think that it is just...easier.

Easier than disappointment.

Easier than the breakdowns.

Easier because I can feel the tears coming and prepare for them or fight them.

Easier because I do not feel the hole in my chest threating to tear me apart and suck me in at the same time.

At least not yet.

Easier because at least in the silence things seem to make a little more sense.

And in that there is hope.

Sigh.

Hrmph.

My days a fairly empty.

My nights are even more so.

I'm tired.

So very tired.

Of all of this.

Of empty days and empty nights.

Of letting my heart feel as it desires and having that thrown back in my face.

I'm just so very tired...

Arbidda

So my statistics teacher is a prick.

I didn't quite realize that I was paying an assload of money to go back to high school.

Assigned seats in statistics. No laptops.

I proceeded to sit in the back of the class and watch him intensely.

My composition teacher is pressing all of my buttons. Her time is seemingly limited.

She likes to try and make people feel bad over small things. Likes to make a big deal of things.

My deviant nature is very unhappy right now.

I never realized just how rebelious my nature truely is until I was sitting in statistics trying very hard to not "violate the social norms of the classroom setting."

Blind Path

I am starting down the path of an art major next semester. I am concentrating in photography, and I have absolutely no idea what I am going to do with me life.

And this comes from the girl that had her entire high school career planned out in the 8th grade. The girl had it figured out that she was going to major in business and get a good job (no idea what and it didn't matter) so that she could save up the funds to open a bookstore.

I have no idea where I am going. Honestly, it doesn't even matter right now because I want to do something that makes me happy. I like to take photographs. I love the feeling I get when others appreciate them or like them. It makes me feel like I do have some purpose in life even if it is most definitely undefined at the moment.

Maybe something will come out of this. If it doesn't, at least I enjoyed the ride.

Grrr. Arrg.

I got a call from someone today. We were possibly going to do lunch or an early dinner. Well. Probably partly since I didn't know what I wanted (normal. should know this by now -.- .) and probably some other reason, "we may have to do this next week." Figures. Honestly, I expect nothing less.

On the other hand, Jason seems pretty much perfect in that completely not perfect way. Honestly, I am waiting for the bottom to fall out of this one as well.

I am considering giving up, really.

Flower Child

Flower Child
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

Hrmph.

Life is a confusing roller coaster sometimes.

I haven't heard from Andrew.

But I haven't been thinking of him too much either.

I've been talking to a friend of mine online.

He is really sweet and has been on my mind quite a bit.

I am very confused.

Hrmph.

Toe-Curling, Heel-Dropping Fun

Toe-Curling, Heel-Dropping Fun
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

I could use some of that.

New Shoes

I bought a new pair of shoes with the giftcard that my grandfather gave me yesterday for christmas.

I love them. They are beautiful.

I will get to wear them once. Then I will get to wear them to the hospital because I broke my ankle wearing heels when I should damn well know better.

^.^

Urbida

The universe has thrown me a curve ball. A very sweet curve ball.

I am confused right now.

Oh...And...

I miss Andrew.

Update

Work is going pretty well.

Except for the fact that it turns out that I may have been lied to. I may be working more than the occasional or every other Saturday. I will be thoroughly pissed if this turns out to be true.

Thus is life.

Sleep

I slept too much. I slept until about twenty minutes ago. That bothers me. I don't like sleeping the day away. My body needed it though. I know it. And I wasn't sleeping any place very comfortable so it is definately understandable that it slept longer trying to get more rest.

And then...

...there are reasons that I am glad that part of that dream was just that. A dream.

Because it would be highly uncharacteristic of the one it involved to do anything but what he did in that dream and what he did just now.

Why do I invest feelings where they are not wanted and where they will be thrown back in my face? I do not know.

Last Night

I had the most vivid dream. And I remember it.

It was so very strange. And part of it made me so very happy.

I'm sad that it was a dream.

Until the week's end.

I have a new job. I will finish the week out at Shoney's.

I start the new job on Monday.

May the sun light dim and the moon grow stronger

I have a job interview tomorrrow. I may finally get a new job and escape Shoney's.

If I get this job, I will be cleaning offices Monday through Friday for like three hours. I have been trying to get a job where I don't work weekends. Maybe this will pan out like I am hoping.

Memory

I will fade to your memory.

One day you will see.

-------------------------------------------------
I will fade to your memory
One day you will see

I will not cause you grief any longer
It wasn't your fault anyway

I will seek an old for of comfort
Cool and precise
Reliable and always there
Honest and unmerciful

Is it my body shaking or the world?
Is it adrenaline or the walls so carefully constructed crumbling?

Do not fret
Do not worry
I am always okay in the end

To Whom it Most Definately Concerns

I like to think that, if I were to go away, you would miss me. I like to think that there is actually love down there somewhere deep inside. I like to think that.

But then there are those not so subtle hints that make me believe otherwise like the photo on your book cabinet, the background on your computer, the photos that you never post, and the photos that you always post.

Would you miss me if I was gone? Would you care? Would those feelings that I like to think are there be real?

Or would I just fade away to your memory as that girl that caused you all that grief?

Sign

Sign
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

"

Sign
I am starting to wonder whether or not I am wasting my time here. Honestly.

Yes. I take the photos for myself, but I upload them to share with others. I don't get traffic here. No one comments anything. I am seriously confused as to why I keep trying when all the encouragement I get comes from my downward spirals.

And I would like to add that none of this is actually helping anything. In fact. It is only making it worse. Because I see where I rank when I see that even he people that are supposed to care post everywhere else. But I don't get the time of day.

Thank you. Have a nice day."

The same can be said here. Why the hell do I even blog anymore? I edit myself so that I don't get worried text messages the few times my blog is read.

I'm tired.

No better than any animal

The one I want to be around is busy. Always busy.

I seek company and comfort in the one that is there. The one that has already broken my heart once. The one that loves another and will never love me.

I am no better than any animal.

I seek the comfort that comes with the flesh. The warmth. The passion. The company.

Loneliness is a bitter thing.

Yet bitter even still is the feeling that comes with knowing your own situation and not having the power to change it. Or the strength.

Newsflash

Apparently people only read my blog when they are worried about me. That's pleasant.

Edit from earlier today: But since I have "calmed down" people don't worry so much.

A Conundrum or Catastrophe

I am tired of being alone.

I want to do something. I want to see someone.

The person that I so desperately want to see is in Georgia, and I will more than likely not get to see him until next month. Which does not make me feel any better.

I haven't heard from Joel or Jay.

I am tired of not having anyone to talk to.

I'm tired of being alone.

Why is it like this? Seriously.

Funny Comments in Bible Class

"Skater boy's a Jew!!!"

Selfless or Stupid?

I was going to get to see Andrew today. Was.

But I told him not to come because he wouldn't get to Georgia until late and he needs his sleep.

Stupid or selfless?

All I really want is to see him right now.

Frantic Awakening

I woke up late.

I mean. I set my alarms, got out of bed to let the dogs out, got back in bed, and fell asleep.

I slept until about 20 minutes till 9, which is bad.

I have been staying in Clinton at my grandma's house. That is around a 45 minute drive give or take. I had to get up, get the dogs back in the house (which is a freaking project, let me tell you), get my things together for work and school, check my oil, and buy gas. I had to do all of this and be on campus before 10 am for class.

It didn't happen before 10.

And to top it all off, I left school stuff that was due today at the house.

I am not looking forward to the rest of this day.


P.S. I forgot to mention that I am still in my pajamas because changing clothing wasn't an option in already limited time.


P.S.S. I want to go back to sleep....

Pieces of the Puzzle

Parts of my life seem to be falling into place finally. I am behind in some areas, but I am getting everything back in order. It just takes time. I'm hoping that I am where I am supposed to be and around who I am supposed to be around. Maybe the letter A will work out where the letter J didn't.

Holly Homemaker

I'm baking again. The same apple pies I baked back in December. These are working out better, I think. They smell amazing.

I am making them because someone asked me where their piece was back then. I think he may deserve a pie so I made him one. <3

Road trip

I spent far too many hours in the car today.

Jay's car broke down. I, being the nice (or rather stupid) person that I am, drove to Johnson City to get him so that he could come back to Knoxville to get his mother's van. That is four hours or more, round trip, depending on traffic. then I drove back to my grandmother's because I forgot my computer which had everything I needed for the paper that I need to turn in. Then I drive back to Maryville, stop and get my check, go to the bank, and finally drive back here. And soon I get to drive back to work. When I get off, I get to drive back to Clinton.

Yay.

....Did I mention that I'm tired?....

Friends....I should get some.

Well. In Statistics a while back, we were doing an activity in class. We were working in groups and we ran out of time and were going to finish it the next class period. Well. I got the flu and missed the next class period. I had the paper that we were writing everything on, not just part of it. With having the flu and not being in class, I had the paper.

So my group turned a new one in. Guess who they apparently left off of the paper. If you guessed me, you guessed right.

Friends. Aren't they great? I should get some.

By the way...

I'm kind of happy right now. It is very odd to have someone that cares like Andrew seems to.

I'm happy.

Pessimistic Ophelia

I like my pessimism. At least when everything goes wrong, no one can tell me "I told you so".

I have made a decision. I will ask one thing. One. Then I will let it go for ever and after. I will hand over my letter of submission and walk away from it. For I have come to terms with the way that things are and the way that things will forever be.

And I have my pessimistic eyes set somewhere else, knowing that it will fall to a similarly destructive fate yet hoping to be wrong just this once.

Little Coughs, Lots of Energy

Mom has the guy that she is exceedingly taken up with in town. His two boys are in with him. One is sick again.

I love children.

Pessimistic Phaeona, Optimistic Ophelia

I have so many words to say. To scream. All directed at one person.

I won't even say most of them.


I have so many words that I want so badly to say. To whisper. To communicate without words. All directed at one person.

I am afraid to say them.


Once upon a time, both of these scenarios were directed at the same individual. Now they are directed at two different ones. One is from the previous situation. One is a new person.

How can I be so conflicted constantly?

One tears my heart to shreds, yet I still love him even though he will never love me. Now I bitch at him and tell him most of what he does wrong. He doesn't seem to like that anymore than he likes my loving him.

One has managed to steal my heart, and yet he doesn't seem to want to be with me on some level. We act as though we are a couple yet we are not (unless I missed that memo).

It is too early to say that I love you, yet it is too late to say that I don't.

Can't I just have it easy for once? Just this once. Just with the one that I am smitten over. Please?

No?...Oh. Okay.

Unrestrained

"...Doesn't mean that I need help getting to the place where tears fall unrestrained...."

Happy Distractions

Right now, I am in my Statistics class. I should, honestly, be paying attention, but you see how well that is going right now.

Last night was happy. I was able to see Andrew before he goes to Birmingham and then to Texas. He will be back on Sunday. That, by the way, is a fairly long time away, right now.

We arranged to have dinner about 10:30 pm. Ended up being about 11, actually. He had forgotten something at his house and had to go back because he was leaving straight after seeing me.

We met in Turkey Creek and went to Steak and Shake, a place that I had never eaten at before. We sat and talked while we ate.

While we were walking into the building, he was examining a bracelet that was given to me over the weekend. It was wire, and Andrew plays with wire. It wasn't rings like he makes when he makes chainmail. It was weaving. I honestly think that it is adorable how he did it. He asked if he could take it apart, yes. He asked if I had bought it, no. Good, was what followed. He didn't actually take it apart, but if he had, that would have been fine too.

We left after about an hour, and I drove him back to his car.

I was back on campus at about 1:30 am. And I went to bed despite having things that I actually needed to get done.

He makes me happy. I don't know whether or not we are a couple, and right now, I don't care. I like him. We act like a couple. I am going to enjoy it while it lasts.

I'm trying not to let myself get in too deep that way if it goes wrong, I don't hurt so much. But then again, I'm already in too deep, I think.

Consider

I am considering leaving this blog and my flickr account behind. Considering.

I love to take photos and to share them, but what is the point of sharing if no one is there to share with. I post photos, one or two gets one view, and that is pretty much the end of it. Yet I check it obsessively.

I post on this blog. I spill most of my heart out here. Yet the things that I write are taken for face value by one that should know me well. Should, obviously, is the keyword and not the truth. Read one post and jump. That is what happens. The traffic on my blog shows how few and far between my friends truely are.

I am tired of this shell of an existance that I live. I want more, and I am trying to get more. I will not change who I am for that. Only work to improve.

We will see what comes of my considerations only with time.

Interesting

Interesting discovery. Someone around mom's house has wireless internet. I can get a connection off of their network. Always interesting to learn little facts like that. Even if you don't use them.

Multimedia Message

Multimedia Message
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

Connecting...

Recieving...

NEW PIX MESSAGE

or

"You have mail!"

What a nice piece of tail you have there...

What a nice piece of tail you have there...
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

Something Wicked This Way Comes - Gothic Fetish Version

Something Wicked This Way Comes - Gothic Fetish Version
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

Tired

You know what makes you feel wonderful? When you realize that every one of your ex-relationships has found a new somebody and they are happy and you aren't. When you are alone and you see them together and happy. Yep. I love being so completely alone all the time.


I am so tired of seeing what I have never had with anyone. Of seeing how someone that I have been in a relationship with is acting with someone in a way that they never did with me. Of seeing what I will never have. I am tired of being alone.

Honey, I'm home!

Okay. So I am back in Maryville after my exciting trek through the middle of no where, magically coming out where I needed to end up.

We tried to leave early Friday. We even left campus earlier than originally planned. But I was having issues getting money out of my bank account so I had to visit mom to borrow money until they let me have access to my check in my account. The pumps at the gas station were backed up. Wendy's had to cook my food fresh, and what was supposed to be only about 6 minutes turned into 10 or more. Finally, we get on the interstate and go.

That is all fine and good until we get off at our exit and try to follow the directions that I got. Wasn't the first of the confusions though because I was supposed to take some ramp to the left and there wasn't a ramp to the left.

There was supposed to be a road on the right that we were supposed to turn on. IT DOESN'T EXIST I TELL YOU! Never found it. Did however find an extra left somewhere in the mix. We turned left TWICE to stay on TN101 when we were only supposed to turn left ONCE (after of course we turned right onto Knoxville Hwy/something/something).

You know those times when you drive for absolutely forever and swear up and down that you need to turn around but you keep going "just in case"? Yeah. Had so many of those times. Because really, when all of the scenery looks the same, you start to worry.

I had a fairly good weekend, honestly. Stayed up until after 3 am Central time (4 am here) Friday night. Woke up Saturday without a voice! They real kicker is that I was in the play that was to be performed that night. And I had no voice! Happy day!

I spent all of Saturday until time for the play drinking teas, honey, odd medieval gatorades. I didn't talk much. I would whisper before I would talk.

Then time for the play came. And I still had no voice! Yay! -.-

I could hear every time my voice was about to crack, but I just tried to ignore it and speak as loudly as I could so that I did my part as best as possible with the least possible number of times that my voice went out.

Then was court, followed by feast.

Feast was good. After the play, I didn't try to spare my voice. I just talked and did everything as I normally would. My voice was better for a while.

I got a broth from pork loin and pickled vegetables poured down my back. That was wonderful, I assure you. Especially since I hate anything pickled.

Next was dance, which was fun. Iazzie, who does our revels normally, left after feast because his lady was sick and at home with their two children and their grandson. Runolfr and Yves, together, led the revel. I was one of the first people there, walking in the door, Yves appears and asks if I want to dance. I said yes and turns out we were jumping into a dance and I was confused at first. Soon enough, I figured it out.

We danced for a while. Soon people began to go off to bed. Actually, everyone left aside from myself, another lady, and Yves. Yves and the other lady were going to do some drumming because she wanted to learn so I stayed. They stayed for a while and then Yves decided to turn in. So I went and wandered a bit before going to take a shower. After my shower I got my phone and wandered up the hill for my whopping one bar of signal to send a text message.

I wandered around a bit and then decided that I wanted to make a phone call (note that this is obviously a brilliant idea seeing as my voice had decided to go back out at this point). I didn't want to have to sit up on the hill for service so I wandered around on the deck until I found a place that I can sit and have a bar or two of service. Thus I proceeded to make my voice entirely more pleasant by wearing it down.

I was heading back in from my phone call when I began to talk to someone. We were sitting in the stairwell of the dormitory style sleeping arrangments. He was on a flight lower than I was, and we just stayed like that until I went off to bed at some fantasticly early hour in the morning.

Woke up this morning to the power being out and a storm about to come in. I was up early considering when I went to bed. Probably about 7:30, really. Then began the rapid packing of everything as to be able to try to leave in time to avoid the storm.

A two hour and 30-ish minute drive later, here I am.


I wasn't completely ignored. I was told that I wouldn't be and I wasn't. But then you left without saying goodbye. After everything else I watched through the day and everything in the past while, I see where my place is.

You kiss with me standing right there with no regard to the fact that you know how I feel about you. And I just pretend like nothing is ripping at the inside of my chest while I think about what I will never have, especially with a specific someone that I wish so greatly had gone with me this weekend.

Honestly, what would you do if I were to have kissed you during all of that? Even with your flu and her standing there. You would not know how to handle it, I think. I thought about doing it. Really I did. But I was nice. I am always nice.

We have the technology

I am wireless again. I am very thankful for that. The laptop isn't mine, but that is okay.

Aside from that, I am feeling a hell of a lot better than I have in a while. Expelling a lot of energy still kicks my ass. Going up stairs is taking more out of me than it did before. I don't know how long it will be before I can function completely normally. It could be a while, and that is okay. It could be worse, honestly.

Ill-weather

I have slept most of the day. I have missed the two classes that I had today. My nose is running. My throat is still a little sore. I am fairly out of it.

But most of all...I am in desperate need of someone to pop my back.

Achy

My head hurts. My back aches. I can't walk very well. I am cold and then I am hot. I'm kind of shakey.

I think I have the flu.

What's sad is that I am going to go to work anyway because I desperately need the money.

Word Vomit

almost wanted Never chosen.

I don't belong. I just stay because it is easier than trying. Yet it is so much harder. never loved

I will scream I love you

Please understand I will break

I don't know what to do with myself. I don't have the answers or theories.

I just want to be loved. Is that really so hard?

Secret messages, meanings can be hidden in even the most unconsidered space. Always keep your eyes open. Things that never seem to change are always truely changing. Even if it is only getting worse.

Yeah..

So I apparently hold the not so exciting power to depress myself within a matter of seconds.

Did it last night. Sucked. Went to bed.

I want to be happy. That is all fine and good until I am the one that is pushing me into the not so happy.

Note to self...

Do not give your number out to school anymore. They just keep calling. Stupid people.

Sure. I don't talk on the phone much, but I pay for those minutes. If I am going to talk on the phone, I want to choose who I talk to. Hint. It won't be the people at school.

So...There is this boy...

Begin snipet of conversation:

Missy Mao: Eh. Shrug. It will either happen or not. Either way. I will have a job. And I am not working at Shoney's for forever. I would rather kill myself than do that.
Deamion Smirl: dont' do that... I'd miss you
Missy Mao: I didn't say that I was going to. Just that I would rather. ^.^
Deamion Smirl: Well.. just letting you know
Missy Mao: I'm glad. ^.^

:End snipet of conversation.

I am smitten, yes.

Things I Do In Class...

So. In class I have a tendency to do things that aren't class related. I have this whole tendency to not pay attention and the like.

I think up some pretty random things.

I have come up with this amazing idea for a photo series. I will only share it when I get to do it. I don't want anyone to steal my brilliant ideas. ^.~

A-Z Redux

Okay. I jumped the gun a little, but shit happens.

The alphabet is in pretty good light right now. Particularly A.

A-Z

Maybe the letter A isn't for me after all.

J's haven't worked out. A's are seeming to go in the same direction.

I think I am done trying.

I pretty much hate the alphabet.

Icy

I hate ice.

Okay. Maybe I just hate ice when it makes me fall. I fall plenty on my own.

I have fallen twice today because of the ice out here. I am considering calling into work. I already have one vote of confidence on that.

Sad face.

I ask only one thing in life right now. One thing that I will not receive for years to come if ever.

I want a place to call home with someone to go home to. Someone to call my own. Someone to love and that loves me despite how stupid I am most of the time.

The seemingly most simple things are the ones hardest to achieve.

Dreams

You know when you have those really good dreams? You know. The ones that you want to finish. Those. Yes. Well. Had one of those last night\this morning. The dream left me because the goddamn alarm went off. I want that dream back now. Humph.

Isn't it ironic?

When the person that you are most jealous of is someone that you have never really spoken to, isn't it ironic? Simply because they have always had something that you haven't had and have tried so very hard to have, isn't it ironic that they had it the entire time you were trying so very hard to get it? Isn't it ironic that they are a presence in your life that seems as though it will never leave because you refuse to end the ties that end up tying you to them by extention?

Isn't it ironic when you wish that you were more like this person simply because they are someone that you admire and hate at the exact same time?

Yes. Yes, it is. It is ironic.




"A traffic jam when you're already late
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic...don't you think
A little too ironic...and, yeah, I really do think..."

"Ironic" by Alanis Morissette.

So.

I realize that I haven't been posting here in a while.

But I haven't had a lot of time. And I haven't had a lot of energy to expend in other places.

Friday, my sister's car broke down. Saturday I get a call from mom asking me to come pick my sister up and take her to make her car payment. Something fell off of her car. Good thing it happened when she was at the house instead of when she was driving to Nashville and back Friday night. We end up not being able to get the part for my sister's car until Monday. It is an almost $400 part. We can't get my mom's car running either. Sunday I get texts from mom early. She needs sodas. My car is the only one running. So I get up and get my things together, because I was to be staying at the house Sunday night. I get sodas and go over there. I have to take my sister to work just as I did on Saturday. I go to work, get back to the house, wait for my sister to call, and head up to Nashville at about 11 pm to take my mom's visitor back to his house. We got back at 4am. Went to sleep from maybe 2 hours and got back up. Mom had to get my sister and brother up. I had to get them to school because she was staying home. Got them to school, went to class, drove back to the house, and mom and I left to get the part for my sister's car. At the part store, this guy informs me that I have a flat. Woo hoo. I drive very carefull to the Firestone just a little ways down while mom gets the part. I have to have two new tires. Two hours later, we leave, hitting the ATM, another part store and dropping mom off. I go to pick up my sister and brother.

This has carried on like this still.

I still am in possession of the only functioning car. Mom and I are broke. We are tired.

I miss Andrew.

Apparently I have been unpleasant company for the few times that Joel has seen or spoken to me.

I'm just tired and need someone to talk to or to be there while I cry and pull my hair out.

I miss Andrew. He would be getting the largest part of this if I was able to talk to him right now.

Damage -15 HP

Damage -15 HP
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

So. Funny story.

I broke a pool stick in half.

Hnnnn...

Hnnnn...

That is the sound that zombies make, I think. Well. Even so. It is the sound that I made today.

I get motion sick. Never bad. Just so that I feel really nasty, but no tossing of the cookies ever happens.

I get motion sick, but I have ridden busses for years. It doesn't bother me.

Oh my god. The bus that we took on the damn field trip was horrid. It jerked every few minutes or so. I didn't like it. Not one bit.

I never lost my lunch. But I felt like it. My head still hurts.

Remind me to never, ever take a bus if I have the choice. Never.

Inconsiderate

So. I have this field trip today. And I have to go to work later. Did you know that the college that I attend apparently does not care if you have a job when they schedule things? No? I should have from orientation. Sigh. Stupid people.

Full, warm belly means sleep time.

I was tired when I got off. Not exceedingly so, but tired nonetheless. I came home and got on the computer for a while before I decided to go get something to eat.

Home once more with a full, warm belly in my comfy flannel pajama pants. Time to go to sleep very very soon.

Feel bad still, but the tiredness has kind of drowned it out. My body is starting to turn off slowly and that means that it is pushing anything that may keep me up away so that I can go to sleep soon.

I am craving someone to cuddle that will just be there for me if I decide to cry. I will let you know if I find them.

Code Monkey

Snow

It snowed last night. Just a little. Enough for even me to consider it beautiful.

Fortune Cookie says:

Fortune Cookie says:
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

Resolution 2 of 2008:
Be patient.

Welcome

2007 was a year to remember. And a year to learn from.

I regret nothing. It is a matter of perspective how the events of the passing year should be taken. It is a step in the right direction though, whatever direction that may be.

This year, I have loved. Maybe even been loved. I have learned. And I have accepted.

I have accepted where I am and what I cannot have. I have accepted the pain and darkness that seems to come from nowhere more readily than I have before. Sometimes it is better to hurt than to feel nothing. And I have accepted the loneliness that is emotional as best as I can.

One day it will be my turn to have an amazing year. It makes me laugh at the thought. Because when that year comes, I will not know how to act or what to do.

Who knows when that year will come. This year. Next year. Five or even ten years from now.

Welcome to 2008.

May your year be full of hope and happiness. And may 2007 have been a year of enlightenment and happiness even if in just the little things.

And I thank each of you that keep coming back. You are kind and good. Thank you for staying with me over the trials that this year has brought.