Taco Bell and Morning Messages

Part II: Morning Messages

After I dropped Andrew off at the bus station, I went to Joel's and crashed because I was tired and driving back to mom's when I am tired is not a good idea.

I didn't sleep solidly. I woke up when I heard noises, when he moved, when my phone went off in the livingroom and I could barely hear it.

In the morning, I didn't want to get up. Joel was already up and functioning, cleaning. When mom kept calling and messaging, he brough my bag into the room and set it on the bed. I sent her a message and went back to sleep.

I had an odd dream. When I remember my dreams and they feel real, I have to check.

So when I actually woke up, I grabbed my phone to check and see. I'm glad that it wasn't real.


Joel is fairly perceptive sometimes. Only sometimes. I don't mean this as a bad thing. I tend to hide things, and I can hide them fairly well most of the time.

"What's wrong?"

What always follows that question?

"Nothing."

He is sweet when he wants to be.

But sometimes I lie.

Usually, there is something wrong.

If I say that there isn't and he believes me, there generally isn't.

If I say that there isn't and he doesn't believe me, he is right to not believe me most of the time. But he generally believes me in the end.


I am not good at dealing with my own emotions. I notice the changes in myself when something is wrong. When I am upset. When I am depressed. Mad. Etc. I notice them. They are really rather obvious, but most people don't pay attention.

I'm not perfect. I will never be perfect.

I don't know that I will ever be what I want to be.

But I am what I am. And I will do what it takes to keep myself on a functioning level. Even if just barely.