Happy New Year's

Another year has passed. Funny thing is that I am relatively in the same place that I started this year at.

Sure I have a better car and am in college. But I am sitting in the house. I am pretty much alone just as I was last year despite the fact that I had a relationship then. I m ready for something good to happen on whatever level. I'm still fairly unhappy, even though I am happier than I was.

And I'm still someone's dirty little secret.


Resolution 1 of 2008.

I will not be anyone's dirty little secret. Not anymore.

Car

I have a car! Yay!

It isn't the Civic that I wanted. It is a cute little burgundy '96 Nissan Altima. It is my baby. ^.^

Seeds of Dillusion

I am so very good at making myself believe things that may not be true. I have been more careful with myself, and that is a good thing.

I play nice very well. And pretend well too.

I never said that I did the two well all the time though. Keep that in mind and tread lightly on the broken glass.

^.^

Found a money tree.

My grandma is going to co-sign a loan for me to get a car tomorrow. I'm going to get a Honda Civic. Because that is the car that I want. I love the Honda Civics. I like the newer ones better, but I will accept any one of them that I like. Hehe. ^.^

Sometimes

Sometimes you need to take things as they come. And that is what I am working on doing.

I really like Andrew, but I have no desire to invest myself completely into something only to have it thrown back in my face. So I am taking things as they come. What happens happens. If there is meant to be more, there will be more. I am just going to be open to it and enjoy what I do have.

I think that Andrew is trying to be careful with his heart. He has been married before, and it ended not so well. I believe that he is just trying to avoid ending in a similar situation by taking things slowly and not investing too much of himself before he is ready.

I am doing something similar to that. I don't know if that is what he is doing, but it feels like it may be. I don't know for sure. I don't know because I haven't figured him out yet. I am usually a fairly capable reader of people. I can figure them out most of the time, but I haven't managed to figure him out just yet.


Haven't heard from him since Sunday evening. I think he just has a lot of family stuff going on, and that is understandable. I kind of miss talking to him a bit. It is very comfortable for me, talking to him and being around him. Comfort means a lot to me in relationships. If you aren't comfortable, you will not be happy in that relationship.

Money Tree

We are trying to find a money tree. I mean..We are trying to get money together to by cars. Sigh. All we can do is wait right now. Hate waiting on things most of the time. Nothing gets done if you have to wait. You sit and do nothing because you can't really do anything that will help. Blarg.

Merry Christmas

Tomorrow is Christmas.

This is the happiest I have been around Christmas in a very long time. It is nice, really. I hope it lasts.

I like being happy.

I make pie.

Finished Product #2
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

I have never made pie before. First attempt.

Made two of them. I hope they turn out well because I intend to give on to someone as a Christmas gift. I will be thoroughly upset if it isn't good.

Three Days Later

So. It has been a relatively problematic past three days. Really just Wednesday and Thursday. My car broke down on Wednesday. It is believed to be the transmission or the gear shifter. Thursday mom's other car broke down on me. In Jefferson City.

Other than the car issues, life has been pretty freaking fantastic. I went to Jefferson City Wednesday despite my car breaking down.

Andrew is in Jefferson City. I really like Andrew.

Thursday we went to go get some food. I was driving my mom's other car. It broke down. It is still in Jefferson City. It threw a rod.

I just got home a little bit ago. I didn't want to come home, but I knew that I would have to come home eventually so I sucked it up and came home before I convinced myself to stay nother night. That would not have been a hard task, convincing myself to stay another night. No. That would have been easy. Really, I was already convincec, but I don't like to wear my welcome out.

Andrew makes me happy. It's comfortable. I don't have worries with him except that he is thinking too much of me and not enough of himself. I can sit and watch him play games and be plenty entertained.

I wish I was with him right now.

Hey you there

Color me happy.

-^.^-

Christmas Shopping

So. I have done all of the Christmas shopping that I am doing presently. If I need to get anything else. It is going to be after Christmas, when I have money again.



Well. Rephrase. I have money. I just don't have enough to go buy people gifts becaus that costs more than you would think when it adds up.

So there is this boy...

Yesterday was a good day despite my car disliking me. I drove to Jefferson City.

Andrew lives in Jefferson City. He is letting me borrow books. Many books.

I like him. I like him more than I feel like I should. I'm not going to fight it. What is supposed to happen will happen in its time.

He is sweet and patient. Exceedingly easy to talk to. I don't even think about what I am saying when I say it. In person, I am more silent than not, but when I talk, I talk without thinking about it.

I was up until sometime around 2 am IMing him.

I wish...

I wish that it was as easy as it feels.

Rawrg.

So. I may end up being without a laptop again. Can't get the power cord to connect to the laptop. Won't charge. Can't use the laptop if the damn thing won't charge or run off of the cord.



I am over it. Someone please shoot me now.

Robotic

Today has not been one of the best days that I have ever had. I don't know how many times I had to force myself to act like a human being. Or how any times I caught myself just going through the motions of what I was supposed to be doing without thinking about it. While that is a handy thing, it gives me time to think. Not something that my mind is necessarily up for today.

I wish that I wasn't at home right now. I want to be somewhere else. Somewhere that makes me feel happier than these walls and these people.

New Beginnings

It is time to start over.

We are starting over. We jumped too quickly in the beginning after all.

I want to ask if we can start over in January. So that I can be happy through the rest of this godforsaken holiday. I won't. I wouldn't be happy if it happened that way anyway. Really. This just says that I lose in a much grander fashion.

I knew it would happen. That I would lose.

I knew.

So we start over.

There is..

There is a point in time at which you just want to give up. You just want to cry and cry and cry some more. You wonder what made you make the decisions that lead to this point.

I am at that point.

I do not know what I have done. I have no answers. Words won't even be shared to tell me that.

I just keep stumbling along. Tripping and scrapping my hands and knees. Those little scrathes make one large hole in the end. Too bad I don't have anything to actually use to fill that hole and make me complete again. Not that I was ever complete to start with.


All I have ever done is be there for you. I give and give. You are never there when I need you. You never tell me what is wrong. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep doing this, and yet I will keep doing this. I will continue to be there for you. I will continue to give. I will continue to hold my tongue. I will continue to try to help you only to have you throw it in my face. And then I will come back for more. That is what you do when you are obviously too damn stupid to realize that you are being used and are not loved.


Did I mention that I feel pretty much like shit right now? No? Well. I did now.

Reading

Reading is such a comfort until you fill the contection and the pull of a very familar emotion. I get so into books.

I feel what the characters feel.

Alternate Realities

My reality isn't very happy right now. In fact, I'm quite miserable. Yay.

I don't know what is going on, but I wish I could make whatever it is right.

I have taken reading up again. Almost obsessively. I am sure that I will reach that point again. If I read, I dive into it. I live it. Time is nothing when I read. Other worlds are far more pleasant than my own.

Merry Christmas. I was starting to develop a desire to celebrate the holiday. Now I am just depressed again. Forced happiness is just not in my list of abilities right now.

I can't fake a smile when I want to cry this much.

All alone with nothing to do

I called into work today because I really didn't feel up to going. I just don't feel like dealing with it.

I called into work and I have nothing to do. It makes me sad. I can't get in contact with Joel. I don't know. I think he wants me to leave him alone for a while or something, but he won't tell me. I keep trying. Sigh.

I think I may just end up holing up with a book. Finishing it and then reading another.

I have no social life. I am pathetic.

I changed...

"I became a weaker and a stronger person with the same breath. I never lost my determination or stubbornness. I developed who I am better. I lost some of who I was at the same time."

Restless

I didn't have to work last night, per normal. We weren't having dance either.

I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't want to be one of those people that spend their days off in the library.

Well. I spent my day off in the library.

I was up until midnight reading. I would have stayed up later if I hadn't pulled myself from the book to look at the time. When I did that, the fact that it was midnight and I hadn't been sleeping well fell on me hard. It cut off any chance of finishing the book last night.

Written in the stars or in binary code?...

It is early on a Friday morning. I was woken up by my little pixie of a daughter, Maeve. She is but three years old and an early riser. I fix her a bowl of cereal to entertain her for the few moments of peace that will come from that. She is a morning person. That is something that she did not get from me.
I take a quick shower and dress. I run a brush through my long hair, about the only attention it ever gets from me during the day. I head back into the kitchen to see that Maeve has lost her early morning energy and returned to the quiet little girl that she is most of the time. I kiss her forehead and tell her to go get dressed. She runs off to her room to get dressed while I gather what I need of my things and a snack for her for the ride over to the store.

No. I’m not married. I dream of one day finding the right guy and having my happily ever after, but if it isn’t meant to be, it isn’t meant to be. It hasn’t been meant to be yet. It doesn’t bother me or upset me. I have my beautiful little girl and the bookstore that I have always dreamed of. I am happy with my life as it is. I don’t have to have a man in my life to make it work. That is just an extra piece that is missing.
My daughter is my life. My daughter and my bookstore. I don’t ask for anything more. I have worked hard to get to where I am. I worked for my house. I worked for my bookstore. I worked for my independence. No one will take that away from me.
And no. Maeve does not know her father. Her father does not know about her. It was just easier that way when I found out. Things between us were not great. We were to be married, yes. Were. He left me not knowing that he had a little girl that would enter the world in less than a year’s time. I did not know it at the time either. I don’t know that I would have changed how things worked out even if I did. I wouldn’t want him to stay just for her when he didn’t love me as he once thought.
But I digress.

I get Maeve in the car and head over to the store. It is time to open, and if I’m not there, who would be the one to do that? I’m the only person that works in the store, and it works out just fine that way. I manage everything as best as that I can, and that is good enough for me.

It is a slow day at the start. We are never very busy. That just gives me time to spend with Maeve, time to cook, time to read. It gives me time to do anything that I desire. Right now I am planning the Fall Festival that I hold. It is only as big as the volunteers and what I can arrange, but the people around here love it. I love it.
Maeve is reading some book. She takes after me there. I love to read. I hope she never loses that passion in her life. It always kept me grounded when the world seemed to be spinning out of control. Enter someone else’s world. You don’t even have to do anything. Just enjoy the ride. I hope reading can do that for her too. Life won’t always be easy or fun.

As lunch rolls around and people have cashed their checks, it is payday after all, we get the people that like to come in on their lunch breaks and look around. Sometimes they buy something. Sometimes they just browse and talk. I don’t mind it. You don’t have to come into a store and buy something. You can come in just to look and see what there is to be seen. You never know what kind of hidden treasure you may run across.
As we get more people in the store, Maeve moves around behind the counter with me. She has her own seat up there so that she can watch the people. She likes to watch the people. Sometimes I catch her mimicking them, and it brightens even the most unpleasant of days.
She is more of a people person than I have ever been, but only when she so chooses to be. If she doesn’t want to talk to anyone, she won’t. She may even walk away from them to go do something that she wants to do. I’m working on that because she doesn’t say a word and just walks away. I want her to be a better person than some of these people that I deal with.

After the store returns to its steady rate of not busy, I go into the kitchen and cook Maeve and I something to eat. She watches as I cook. Always has. It interests her, I know. I let her help when I make cookies and cakes. I don’t let her help with anything that would involve cutting something or her actually getting close to the oven. When she gets a little bigger, I will teach her what I know and let her develop things on her own like I did.
The rest of the day is slow. Maeve and I play games and read books. I put her down for a nap in one of the rooms in the back. I made sure that she would have a place to play and sleep away from the business of the store. Sometimes I work later, depending on whether or not I have arranged to have something happen after normal store hours, and I want her to be comfortable and entertained if I can’t be with her.
After her nap, she comes back to the front with me as I straighten things up and restock what has been bought. She likes to help right now. I know that in years to come she will not want to help me. She won’t even want to be at the store as much as she is now. And I treasure the times she is here and helping me.
As the day progresses, we play and read until the last few hours of business. I begin to straighten everything up and make sure everything is how it should be. Maeve is playing in the back. Dancing, I think. I can hear music. She loves to dance and play like most children.

After the store is closed, it is time to head home. Tonight there is dancing at my house. I’m still involved in the SCA, and I love the dancing. I have organized a near weekly dance at my house. Maeve loves it just as much as I do. I think it may run in the family because her father liked it too.
When I get home, I begin to cook. On Dance Nights, I cook plenty. I feed those that come over to dance. Others bring beverages of varying kinds. Everyone brings their own energy, and we all dance. If you don’t have a partner when you show up, you will before the dancing begins. If you don’t have friends when you start to play in the SCA and start to come to dance, you make them quick enough. It isn’t hard since the people here are open to everyone.

One day Maeve will want to know about her father. If she wants to meet him when that time comes, I will contact him and arrange it. Until then it is just the two of us when we get up in the morning and go to sleep at night.
I tell her the same story every night before she falls asleep. When the time comes and she wants to know about him, I will tell her that story again. And when I do, I won’t leave out little details like names.

Update

I am working on my FRS assignment. You know. Since it should kind of be turned in by 5 pm. You know. 36 minutes from now. No rush.

I will post the second part of it when I get finished. I think it is kind of interesting. I get to make up a day in my life in the future.

Currently

I am sitting in the library on campuse with a pair of headphones on that kind of hurt my ears so that I can listen to music. I am trying to do some work for my FRS class. Thus far...I have been successfully avoiding it.

I...

I am tired. So very tired.

It was worth it, I think.

Necessary.

Who knows what will happen now. I don't. I couldn't begin to imagine what will happen now.

We shall see.

Strength

I need to be strong.

Words

Hope has officially been lost in respect of something that I dearly desired and grandly pursued. It was a good run, I think. But it has reached its end.

I need to take some time to mend my heart. No one else will if I don't.




And really, I need to stop crying over it.

Seeking

Silences cloud the most obvious things
No hopes
No smiles
Just tears

I have no answers
Clarity is fleeting

My mind speaks of one solution
My heart twists in disagreement
In agony
In realization

"Parting is such sweet sorrow," said one wise man long ago
"The beginning of love is a horror of emptiness." said another

Seeking out for what isn't there or what seems to not be there
Futile effort

Crying for what you have lost
Futile

Hoping for a grand change of heart
Futile

Hoping for a love that someone else has already claimed
Just end it now

99 Red Balloons

One day, hopefully in the not too distant future, I think that I may get 99 red balloons. I will attach some message, sentiment, or secret to each and release them into the sky.

I want to do this. I think it would be a good exercise in release.

Who knows if it will actually happen.

Give and Take

I would give you anything
Just to see you smile.

It wears me down after a while.

I give and give and give some more.
You take and take and take.

I want so much for you to be happy.
Even at my expense.

One day you will learn that you can't have it all and give nothing back.

Until that day
I give and give and give some more.
Losing my freewill.

Talking with the Faeries today...

I decided to talk to the Faeries. I did for myself and for mom.

A funny quote sprung from mom's cards.

"If you love something, set it free. If it doesn't come back, hunt it down and kill it."

Very amusing. Especially taken out of context of the rest of the text.

Two Weeks To Go. --- Thirty-one Days Remaining.

I have two weeks until I am out for winter break. Next week is the final week of classes. The following week is when finals are. I have one on Monday, one on Tuesday, and one on Wednesday and then I am finished. My other two classes don't have finals.


Two weeks to go and my world seems to be headed toward a meltdown again. Big surprise there.

Everything has to happen at once, and when nothing is happening, nothing at all is happening usually.


Thirty-one days until it is a new year.

I am ready for it. This year has been....eventful to say the least. I wonder what next year has in store. I know that it sounds sappy, but I do wonder.

I am hoping that it brings good things. I am in need of a few good things in my life.

Good Morning, Sunshine. Or rather moonlight. Seeing as it was 2 am.

I was at Joel's last night.

Yes. I am a masochist.

He woke me up at 2 am because he hadn't fallen asleep and he wanted company. Aside from other things, that is.

Well. When I finally fell asleep again, for some reason I couldn't stop talking and I couldn't fall asleep, I had the most unnerving dream.

Seriously. I thought it was real. And it hasn't left my mind since.

I have been analyzing it.

Well. Here is the gist of it.


I was at someone's house. I lived there(?), but he and I were just friends. Well. He had some woman over. And I hated that (obviously since I love him). He and she would fuck. I won't say make love because he was doing it to hurt me. If he thought it wasn't hurting me he would stop. As soon as I would cry or whatever, he would go back in there and go at it again. (Can't believe that I just said "go at it". So wrong on so many levels.)

I argued with him, and tried to get him to stop. He wouldn't admit that he was doing it to hurt me. He wouldn't admit that he loved me and wanted to be with me (because that was what he wanted in the dream. I knew it even though he wouldn't come out and say it).


That is all I remember.

I am open to any opinions or theories.

First attempt unaided

First attempt unaided
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

It isn't perfect. I shall get better.

I have done a large portion of this sitting in the library with nothing to do.

...I think I may go to sleep now.

Blarg.

I am in the library, bored. Wanting something to do. Can't really do anything. Should go to sleep. Don't want to go to sleep.

I am doing Viking Wire Weaving sitting in the library. Pretty sure that people think that I am crazy, but then again, what else is new?

Story of a Girl

Story of a Girl
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

"This is the story of a girl,
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world!
And while she looked so sad in photographs,
I absolutely love her,
When she smiles..."

"Story of a Girl" by Nine Days

The longing is back. The longing for something that I will never have. That I can only dream of having, but will never achieve.

I just wish that the longing would go away. I think I would be much better if the longing would just leave me alone in my misery.

Open and Release.

I am simply posting this for the sake of getting it out of my head and off of my chest. I will dwell on it no longer after this. At least without a fight on my part.



To whom it may concern and who will never read it,

I hate you and admire you at precisely the same time. With the same breath even. You are someone that I will never be. You have someone that I will never be.

And that is fine. I am fine. I deal. I will not drive myself crazy trying to figure out what isn't to be figured out.

And I will not fight for something, or someone, that I will obviously not win.

I will not give up hope. But I will do nothing to make it happen. I am tired of expelling so much effort and recieving nothing in return. It isn't worth it.

It just isn't worth it.

Silence

Silence
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

I have been fairly silent as of late. My laptop is dead. Thus I can do nothing with my photos. I am tired. I am trying to figure somethings out. My mind isn't a silent place though I am silent elsewhere. And I am trying to help someone else instead of helping myself. The faeries may be right. There seems to be a breakdown in my future.

Awake by 5 am. Out of bed by 5:30. In the kitchen by 7 am.

I woke up early this morning. Do not ask me why. I have no answer.

I woke up. I played on the computer for a bit.

I decided that I wanted to make cookies.

Off to Kroger we went.

Better than me...

"You deserve much better than me."


I love this song, "Better than Me" by Hinder. I don't know why.

Everyone deserves their happiness. I would rather be miserable so that someone else, someone that I care about so very much, can be happy than make someone that I care about miserable so that I can be happy.

Sometimes that doesn't seem like it is enough for the world. A lot of times it doesn't seem like that is enough for the world.


"The bed I'm lying in is getting colder.
Wish I never would've said it's over."

Happy Turkey Day

Hope that you all are having a happy Thanksgiving.

Home for the Holiday - Turkey Day

At mom's.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, aka Turkey Day. I have to go to work. Woot. -.-

I have to work on Friday too. I don't want to. Am seriously considering calling in. Dunno. I want to have something to do if I am going to call in.

Went to Joel's last night. Got there about 1:30 am. Didn't go to sleep until after 3 am, I think. Woke up about 9 am. Pretty much still wired as I was yesterday. Also a bit tired now, but that comes from the fact that I have been playing a video game since about 11:something.

Joel just now seems to have grasped the fact that we are friends still. I don't know really. Pretty sure he should have figured that one out already. Don't ask me what is going on in his head.

As though it were a dream.

Title doesn't really go with the post, but I am tired right now which means that it works damn it.

Last night was fun. Rehearsal went well. It was fun. All that good stuff.

Ended up watching Vincent, Iazzie's 2 year old grandson. He is adorable. Seems to like me pretty well too. (Big surprise seeing as apparently most children like me presently.)

Then it turned to not fun when I was trapped in the damn library until it closed. My laptop is still not working. I am still having to be in here, the library to do anything internet related.

When I want to not do something, I can avoid it in new and interesting ways. I drew on my arm with eyeliner, many different colors. Had Joel call me because I just wanted someone to talk to, and he was the only one that would. Had a text conversation with Jay. Ended up making him mad at himself as opposed to mad at me? I don't know how that worked out, but it did.

Not talking about this morning. thoroughly over today.

Don't want to go to work. Don't want to go to work on Thanksgiving. (Did I mention that I need a new job? No? Well. I did now.)


I am more confused than ever about something, but I am not going to post it because I need to deal with this one myself. Have ranted to someone about it, yes. But otherwise, it is all me.

I will get it all figured out eventually.

Plus. I am on a roll. I am not keeping as much in as I normally do. Which is better for me, of course.

Anyway.

Just thought I would update since I can't do much of anything without my laptop.

Beauty

Beauty
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

"I was watching you tonight. You are a beautiful lady."



Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I'm afraid.

Desire

Desire
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

Isn't it nifty?

I like how this set turned out.

Especially since I was the only one in the room, which means that these are my hands. Go me.

It makes me happy because I think it looks good. I will shut up now.

Anyway.

Release

Sometimes
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

My laptop has apparently decided that it hates me. It doesn't work. I ahve to use the computers in the library right now. I don't know why the world has decided to keep throwing me curve ball after curve ball, but I have grown tired.

Violate me....

Violate me....
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

"You let me violate you, you let me desecrate you
You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you...."

Closer
Nine Inch Nails

La la la la

I feel good right now. I am starting to get tired, but that isn't surprising.

But I do. I feel good.

I don't know why. I don't have anything good going on in my life right now. Everything is the same as it has been.

Maybe something good is about to happen. That would be fantastic.

Princess Buttercup

I forgot how useless that girl is in this movie. I mean seriously.

Pick up the damn sword and stab the goddamn rodent.

Seriously. It isn't that hard.

The Princess Bride

I love this movie. Bought it at Walmart yesterday.



Is it sad that I want something kind of like this in my life? Yes it is! ^.^



And that is okay with me.

Gah...

Yesterday was not fun. Work was so horrible.

About 30 minutes before we were going to take the dinner bar down and put up breakfast, something like a hell of a lot of people came in. I think it was atleast over 100. I don't know.

I know they wiped out my goddamn bar. And the kitchen didn't have the stuff to replace it with already cooked because it was almost time for breakfast. Who the fuck would have all of that food made right before breakfast?! Seriously.

I burnt myself so much. I dropped a pan of grits, and I honestly didn't care by that point. Over it.

When I got off, I felt almost like puking. I think it came from the running around so much, sweating at the bar, and the fact that there wasn't really time to get a drink of anything.

I feel better now. Just fucking tired.

Those goddamn people are coming back tonight.

Up for calling in anyone? I know that most of nightshift is.

Tis the season, I suppose.

Christmas Wishlist
-One really good snow
-Laughter outside when it is cold enough to see your breath, which makes you only laugh harder
-To know that when I just want to cry, there is someone there to tell me that it will be okay and make me believe it
-Someone to run up behind me, wrap their arms around my waist, and spin me around until I laugh so hard that I cry just because they want to see me happy
-Someone that will bring me flowers at work even though especially since I work in a stupid restaurant
-Someone that will answer the phone no matter what time I call them and listen to whatever stupid thing I need to say or just talk to me if I want to hear their voice
-Someone that will drive to see me sometimes rather than making me drive to see them all the time
-Someone that will surprise me
-Someone that doesn't want me to change to be in their life
-Someone who will just let me come over even when I have something to do simply because they like to have me around
-Someone who understands that I am different and not always different in the same way
-Someone that understands that I would do anything to make them happy even if it doesn't make me happy, but won't ask me to do something that won't make me happy
-Someone that will make my life brighter
-Someone to dance with
-Someone to kiss in the rain
-Just...someone

Rain Rain

I love the rain. Don't so much care for the pool of water in my floorboard.

So I was walking back from my car, after being rained on in my car and etc. I had my jacket over my bag with everything in it. I was drenched from head to toe.

I like the rain. I don't mind being wet.


Yay for rain!

Ode to....Sleep

I....

Need some sleep.
Need some sleep.
Need some sleep sleep sleep.

I need some sleep.
Need some sleep.
Need some sleep sleep sleep.

I need some sleep.
Need some sleep.
Need some sleep sleep sleep.

I neeeeeeeed some sleep sleep sleep.



------------------------------------------------------------

I am operating on about 3 hours of sleep. I have been pretty much crazy all day. Woot. Loopy Girl.

The Devil comes in Christmas colors

Transcription -REMOVED-

I removed this post.

I was frustrated and fairly pissed off when I posted this. It did not need to be shared because it is something that should have just been kept between myself and the other involved.

If you read what was here before, do not antagonize him.

I have bottled up a lot of stuff over the course of our involvement, his and mine. It is all just coming out slowly when he upsets me. I am fine. I am over it. He and I are through and we are both okay. There is peace between us, and we are on good terms.

I just have to work through everything that has been bottled up.

I think that was actually the largest portion, what we worked through last night.

I am sorry to have posted this. To you all and to him.

It was not something that should have been shared.

For whom it may concern...

I would advise you to not call someone when they called you nearly two hours ago and they no longer desire to hear your voice when you can't even speak clearly.

And do not tell that someone that they are wrong. That if they did this, you would realize that something actually important was needed.

You will never change.

You are an emotionally stunted bastard, and you need to have your head surgically removed from your own ass. There are other people out there. It isn't all about you.

Awakening

I have realized something.

If I were to ever actually need someone to be there for me that wasn't family, I would be so very alone.

Out of all of the people I know, very very few would be there if I needed something bad enough to call because I don't call people asking for shit unless I can't get around it.

So. Thus is life.

Sniffle.

I was feeling better this morning. Was.

After work I went to visit the Walmart-Monster to get some necessities for battling this plague.

I am..

I am strong.
Stronger than before.

I am independent.
I do not need you.

I am happier.
Happier than with you.

I am me.
What are you?

Red eyes.

I hate this, yet again. My nose is running and stuffy at the same time. My left eye is watery, but not my right. I keep feeling like I have to sneeze and not sneezing. Then when I do sneeze, it is powerful.

Around my left eye is red because I have been trying to keep the tears from going down it. It looks like I have been crying. And punched in the face.

Yay.

-.-

Achoo. Achoo. Achoo.

I am so tired of sneezing right now. Been doing it all night. Nose is still stuffed up. Still runny. Throat is sore AGAIN.

Can I just be not sick? Yes? Thank you.

Dream Land

I had a funny dream last night. Well. This morning really.

I only remember part of it.


I had gone to an SCA event up at Big Ridge State Park. Don't know what event it was or anything.

Well. I had forgotten stuff. I was trying to leave and go get it before it got too dark out. Joel wouldn't let me leave. Don't know why. Said something about how we weren't supposed to, I think. Don't ask me.

Well. I finally convinced him to let me go, but he had to go with me for some reason. Well. We had gone and gotten nearly everything when we went back to my dorm room to get more stuff. I was getting things and Joel disappeared. When it was time to go, Joel said something about an airplane.

I went back alone.


I have absolutely no idea as to what this was about. Just thought that I would share.

Blarg.

I hate being sick. This cold is driving me bonkers.

Nose is stuffed up AND runny. Throat is sore on and off.

I just want to go to sleep.

Blargity.

Earth to...

I have a minor cold right now. Nothing big. It will be gone soon enough.

It takes a lot to get me down.

From the Mists of Avalon

Inside my head

Today has been a day at the most to say the least.

I woke up at 5 this morning feeling horrendous. Emailed my Bib. Studies professor and my Comp. professor to tell them I was sick and wouldn't be in class.

Went back to sleep.

Slept until like 10 or so. Good thing I emailed my professors because I was missing class then for sure.

At around 12:30 I was in the library working on my research paper that was due this morning. I was almost done around 5 when my computer locked up. I thought I had lost my paper. I was going to cry.

Turns out it was still there. Thank god. Finished it and went to print it off and drop it off in her box.

Don't know what will come of it. Eh. I got it done.



On the way back from the library, I was walking under a tree. Just as I got under it I heard leaves moving, didn't think anything of it. I stepped from under it and a branch fell out of the tree right behind me.

I think my luck is changing.

Wind Blows

It feels so very wonderful outside today. I love this weather. When it is actually fall.

There is change in the wind. Good change, I think.

I can feel it.

We shall see.

Update

I decided that I should post about my car.

Well. It starts. It has heat. That's about it right now. Don't really want to jinx a good thing when it is around.

My car has its problems, but I do love it.

....Somtimes.

Speaky wheel gets all the oil...

My car is the present bane of my exsistance.

In the middle of the night when I was trying to leave Shoney's, it wouldn't start. And it wouldn't start. And it wouldn't start. And oh yeah. It wouldn't start.

That goddamn starter better stay in place this time. I love that car, but I cannot and will not spend all of my time trying to get it to start and running around to beat on the starter with the hammer then running around and trying to get it to start and then running around to beat on the starter with a hammer. It is a long, frustrating, messy part. By the time I get the car started, when it so chooses to start, I need a goddamn shower.

Gah.

Despite

Despite the fact that I do not feel very strong or very good about anything involving me...

I have come to terms with certain things.

1. I am not going to let any one use me knowingly.
2. I am not a second choice, third choice, etc.
3. I am either a first choice or no choice. You do not pick me simply because what you wanted isn't available.
4. I am not the "other woman" or one of many.
5. I am the only woman or you don't get to have me outside of friendship.
6. I may not feel all that great about how I look or who I am, but I do know that I deserve better than lies and illusions. I deserve to love and be loved without having to jump through hoops and without having to change who I am.

I will not change for you.

Retraction

I am not feeling so invinisible and independent today.

Yesterday's post (rather the one from like 2 something this morning) was a result of my feeling very good and very strong about who I am.

That woman is gone. She has been replaced by that stupid teenage girl that rears her head far too often for my liking.

Honestly...I am apparently a masochist. I keep making it so that I get hurt. I keep setting myself up for my heart to get crushed again and again. I don't like it, but I keep doing it.

It isn't even anything that anyone has done this time. It just is. I make myself do things, look at photographs, that make me hurt and wish that I could be there.

Shoot me and put me out of my misery. Please.


I want to be strong.
I want to be indepedent.
I want to feel loved.
I am tired of feeling alone.

News Flash

I need nothing from anyone. I am very capable of obtaining everything that I could want or need just fine on my own. I realize this. I accept it. It is just nice and feels better to have people around along the way.

Song in my head

I feel fairly happy right now.

I feel good.

I hope it lasts...


"Song in my head" By Sherwood

Oh I don't believe it,
That I could be so deceiving
And bringing you down to feel this lack of loyalty.

You were a song in my head,
The warmth of the sheets in my bed.
A story forever told, but never old,
A warm arrival never left so cold.

Don't blink, don't close your eyes,
But most of all don't apologize.
It's me who's got the demons to wrestle now.

Oh I don't believe it,
That I could be so deceiving
And bringing you down to feel this lack of loyalty.

'Cause you were a song in my head,
The warmth of the sheets in my bed.
A story forever told, but never old,
A warm arrival never left so cold.

Don't blink, don't close your eyes,
But most of all don't apologize.
It's me who's got the demons to wrestle now.

There's a patch of blue in the stormy sky,
A memory of a brighter time.
When everything was new, and less watered down,
Before the summer turned to brown.

Don't say you can't believe it now,
That you're almost settled down,
'Cause you'll be right here,
When I come back around.

Don't blink, don't close your eyes,
But most of all don't apologize.
It's me who's got the demons to wrestle now.

There's a patch of blue in the stormy sky,
A memory of a brighter time,
When everything was new, and less watered down,
Before the summer turned to brown.

Before the summer turned to brown
(Don't blink, don't close your eyes)
Before the summer turned to brown
(Don't blink, don't close your eyes)
Before the summer turned to brown
(Don't blink, don't close your eyes)

And Action!

I am in the Black Gryphon play. Yay! I get to be all ranty. Always fun. ^.^

I have come to terms with it all. Every little bit of it.

To whom it may concern:

I have come to terms with it all. Every little bit of it.

I have no more tears to shed at your expense. I have not cried in days at your expense, simply because I have finished with that. I have cried, yes. Simply out of frustration from other aspects of life.

You know. I have realized that there was nothing ever really between us. You and I. We were nothing. Well. At least to you.

I wanted so badly to have what I have never had before. A loving relationship. I fooled myself into thinking that there was something more between us. I believed it. I felt it. I loved it. At least what I thought it was.

I loved you.

I still love you. BUT. It will never be more than what it is now simply because you are not ready for love. Because you do not want to be ready for love. You wouldn't know what to do with love anyway.

I broke up with someone for you. You never knew that. He never knew that. None of you will ever know that simply because you don't look at the resources available that would let you inside what you aren't told.

Well. It wasn't just for you. Things had not been good between us for a while. I grew tired of being my own company. So I broke it off with him, and he didn't speak to me for over a month.

I still love him.

I love him more than I have ever loved you. More than I ever loved what I thought you were and how you acted like you were.

You made my life hell and disguised it as happiness. I thought I was happy with you. There were glimpses, yes. There were downs. My Gods were there downs. The rest of what I thought was happiness was a dillusional lie.

All you seem to want out of someone is a warm body that you can play with. Not love. Toy with. Keep around when you want or need someone, but not be there when they want or need someone.


I have to thank you though. You have made me stronger through this. I now realize exactly how much you have hurt me and hurt my life. I realize exactly how badly you treated me.

No. You didn't hurt me physically. At least outside of slapping me that one time. But you hurt me mentally and emotionally. You exhausted me. And you never seemed to notice when I hurt. Not until you had to deal with it. Until I cried in front of you.

You never knew how many times I managed to keep it inside of me until I got to my car. I broke down so many times sitting out in front of your house.

It hurt.

But I am better because of it. I am stronger. I will never let someone treat me like you treated me.

You kept so much from me and dwelt on your ex-girlfriend so very often. I never knew about what Amanda was to you. I don't know what she sees in you anyway. But then again. You two suite each other.

To be in a polyamourist relationship or relationships, everyone involved should know about the others involved. And everyone involved should realize that they will all get hurt in the end.

This you too will realize one day.

And I will be here. Waiting. I am right more often than I care to be. And this is something that I will be right about. I can feel it.

Oh. And I would be careful in whatever you do. Karma is going to get you. You have so much bad karma built up....I wouldn't do anything else to hurt anyone else.

Karma is going to knock the shit out of you.

And I will be here. Waiting.

I will help you. But ask nothing more of me. For you will receive nothing more from me.

Love Always. Ever Watching. Always Present.
Christie.

Thwarted Revision

Today makes the second day in a row that plans have been thrwarted by the universe. Frustrated me so very much.

That is okay. It put things into perspective a bit. Gave me an idea.

I am going to see about going out of town to visit someone one weekend this month. It seems as though it may be the last weekend of this month. That is fine with me. Just have to see if their schedule is premitting.

Strength

Strength
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

Wishes

Happy Halloween. This is my holiday. I love this day. It is one day that I never want to go wrong when everything else seems to. We shall see.

Happy birthday to Jay!

Hugs.

Evolution

I have to get things together. I have to get my life back in order because, honestly, no one is going to do it for me.

No one is going to write my research paper. No one is going to go to work for me. No one is going to get me up in the mornings when I am too tired to crawl out of bed.

I am working on it. I am trying, and that is all I can do.

I can't exactly go explain why I haven't done anything to my Comp. professor and just expect her to give me and extension. I know that it won't happen so I won't even bother to try that. I am just going to get everything else done. Do everything that I am supposed to along the way, and get my life back in as much order as it has ever been.

Welcome to the evolution. The revolution.

Things are going to change.

Softly

Softly
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

Softly crumbling
Silent resolution
Subtle change
Revolution

Anxiety

I was sitting here about thirty or so minutes ago, and all of a sudden, I was hit head on with a wall of anxiety.

Something is going to happen.

I don't know what.

I don't know whether or not it is good or bad.

I just know that something is going to happen or has happened.

Straw on the camel's back

So. I go to work to check my schedule and talk to my DRS (Dining Room Supervisor).

You know what always makes you feel oh-so-fucking-fantastic about how you look? Being asked if you are pregnant.

The bar girl, who is from Mexico and speaks little English, pointed at my stomach and asked "You baby?"

I want to be someone else right now.

And you know. I would rather be pregnant for some reason. I guess I just really want a family right now. It isn't going to happen. I am in college. No.

Weekend

So. This weekend...

Friday night was fine.

Saturday was hell for me.

I go to the hall for breakfast, and I volunteer to help Iazzie who has to help take care of the Prince. After that, I head down to the field to watch the fighting. Laura, Whitney, and I catch a ride down.

We get out of the car, I look back. There is Joel getting out of his car with his Amanda. I walk away. I don't act as though I have seen them. I just walk away. Because I was not ready to deal with that.

I go set my things down and begin to do my own thing. I don't say a word to Joel or Amanda. I sew some and go around talking to some people.

After a while, after fighting has been going for a while, and while I am watching Iazzie's grandson, I go over to where Amanda and Krista are. I made myself do it. It was very awkward for me and I am sure that everyone could see that.

See. Joel and Amanda were acting like that cutsy happy couple. That couple that I have never been, and I doubt that I will ever be. They were kissing and hugging. Talking and teasing. Joel was acting as though he hadn't gone through a break up recently. Like he hadn't broken someone's heart. Like he didn't have a goddamn heart in that chest of his.

Their acting that way made me positively miserable. HE WILL NEVER LOVE ME. He never acted as though we were a couple unless we were in private. He acted as though we were just friends all the damn time.

So I suffered through the rest of the day, trying to ignore them and what I will never have.

After feast there was to be dancing. After the hall was cleaned, everyone got ready to dance.

I was standing alone.

While this would be a nice, kind gesture in different circumstances, what happened next made me want to cry. Amanda PUSHED Joel across the hall over to me to dance. PUSHED.

Thank you. I feel so very loved. Now I must go through myself down a hill onto very pointy things.

When he moved to my side, I looked at him and said "If she is making you, no." I did not want to dance with him very much at the time anyway. Made me feel kind of sick and inadequate all over again.

He told me that she pushed him over there because he wasn't paying attention.

So we danced. I told him how this was making me feel. I told him that he was had made today (being Saturday at the time) miserable. He said that he was sorry. I asked him why he was apologizing. Told him that it wouldn't change anything. That he wouldn't change. I told him that he was making it easier for me to move on. That when he acts like nothing had happened, (Because it isn't like he hadn't just gone through a break up and broke my heart. Of course not. Why would he do that? Oh yeah. Because he is a man. And men are fucking stupid. ) it makes it easier to move on because I don't like him when he does it. IT HURTS.

I told him that she suits him.

After that, he left. After we finished the last dance he said "Excuse me" and walked away. He said something to Amanda, and they gathered their things to leave. I didn't know for sure so I asked him if he was leaving. He was.

I think I may have hurt him when I said all of that. But it is all true.

It hurts me.

But I am not going to chase him. I am not going to just sit around and wait for him to come back to me.

I went and found Jay to get him to dance with me. Atleast for one specific dance that I can't spell.


I could see Jay and I together again. I think that we work very well together. Look pretty good together too, I think.

But I will never be in another relationship like what happened with Joel. I can't be in a relationship in which I am not the only woman they are with. I can't. It hurts. I will never be in a open relationship. It hurts. It isn't for me.

I will not be in an open relationship. I will not be in a relationship in which the person I am with is only there when they need me, not when I need them. (You need to be there for the person you are with always. For the good and the not so good. For the bad and the not so bad.)

I will not be in a relationship that is a secret.

I am tired of having to act like I am only friends with someone when there is more to it.

I do not want to be a secret. I want to be shown off, I suppose. I know that I am not beautiful or the best there is out there. But I don't think I should be hidden away. If you are ashamed of me, why are you with me?

I just want to be loved and feel loved. I want to feel like other people get to feel in relationships. Happy.

Andrew

I was going to just post about the weekend, specifically yesterday, but when I got on, I checked everything. Tina, someone that I haven't known long, wondered about Andrew. I decided to post two blog posts, this one and the one I will post next.

Andrew.

He is a friend of Joel's, for how long I do not know. He is also the ex-boyfriend of someone that I have met in recent months through Joel and have become pretty good friends with. He games with Joel on Friday nights, how often this happens I cannot tell you.

He is a very nice man from what I have gathered the whole two times I have been around him previously.

He is good looking in his own way.

I have no idea whether or not he is interested in me.

I have no idea whether or not we will click or make a connection.

I will not get my hopes up for a man that I do not know very well or at all for that matter.

I will give it a chance.

But I will not wait around.

Ten Days Later - The Beginning

For the next ten days, I am going to be trying to keep myself busy. I don't know what I will be doing. I don't know anything.

I am going to move on within these next ten days. I will not contact Joel. For his Amanda is coming down. I am not going to be a bother. Especially where I am not wanted.

Joel can contact me when he is ready. If he is ever ready. But. There will be a point where I contact him. Because I do want to get together with Andrew and get to know him better. This is going to happen through Joel.

Unexpected

Jay drove nearly 2 hours to see me. No one has ever done anything like that. And I don't know that anyone ever will again.

It made my day brighter for a moment. Until things started heading back down hill.

And action!

I went to auditions yesterday for the Black Gryphon play. I have made the executive decision that I am going to be in that play, and work can just rearrange the schedule like they do when someone else needs to get their days switched around.

I think that I did fairly well. I do not know how well or if I will even get a role in the play. All that matters is that I tried.


Oh. My hair is purple now. Well. Purple-ish. Need more color.

Cushion the blow

I will do everything in my power to prevent someone else from getting their heart broke in a situation like what has happened between Joel and myself. I would not trade what I thought we had for anything in the world. But I would rather have not had my worst fears in the context of relationships realized in the relationship that I thought we had together.

I just needed to restate this.

Belief-O-Matic Quiz

So. I had to take this quiz for my FRS class. It is fairly accurate, I think. And fairly entertaining when you get to the bottom of the results.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Your Results:


The top score on the list below represents the faith that Belief-O-Matic, in its less than infinite wisdom, thinks most closely matches your beliefs. However, even a score of 100% does not mean that your views are all shared by this faith, or vice versa.

Belief-O-Matic then lists another 26 faiths in order of how much they have in common with your professed beliefs. The higher a faith appears on this list, the more closely it aligns with your thinking.

How did the Belief-O-Matic do? Discuss your results on our message boards.






1. Neo-Pagan (100%)
2. New Age (87%)
3. Mahayana Buddhism (82%)
4. Jainism (71%)
5. Unitarian Universalism (66%)
6. Theravada Buddhism (63%)
7. Hinduism (62%)
8. New Thought (61%)
9. Liberal Quakers (57%)
10. Scientology (57%)
11. Reform Judaism (54%)
12. Sikhism (51%)
13. Taoism (45%)
14. Orthodox Judaism (41%)
15. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (41%)
16. Secular Humanism (38%)
17. Bahá'í Faith (37%)
18. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (37%)
19. Islam (32%)
20. Nontheist (31%)
21. Orthodox Quaker (30%)
22. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (22%)
23. Jehovah's Witness (15%)
24. Seventh Day Adventist (10%)
25. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (5%)
26. Eastern Orthodox (5%)
27. Roman Catholic (5%)

-------------------------------------------------------------

You can take this quiz here if you like.

Preparations

I am going out of town on Friday. I plan to leave at about 4 or 4:30.

I am hoping to have some kind of exciting stuff to post when I return, but I do not know if that is going to happen. All I can do is hope.

I do not know how this is going to go. The situation is going to be awkward, but I am going to try to not let that affect anything that I do.

Plus. I get to see Jackson because he is supposed to be there. I love that little boy. He is adorable.

I need to get candy. Jackson likes candy as most every child does.

Autumn turns

I feel good today. A little unwanted and hurt, but I feel good.

It finally feels and looks like my season.


I feel alone right now, but I am dealing. Despite that. I feel better than I have in a little while. I want this to last for a while. This good feeling.

I want to be happy. I don't know if this is happy or just delusion after everything that has gone on.

I am actually looking forward to whenever it is that Joel is going to get Andrew and I together at his house. I don't know. I guess I am just going for it. Trying new things. Why wouldn't Andrew and I click? We get alone when we are around each other.

Hope

I am feeling very good today. As strange as that is, I am.

Despite everything that has gone on with Joel and the fact that Jay is acting like a stupid man again, I am feeling good. I think it is because I am moving on. I have accepted things how they are, and I am looking forward to meeting up with Andrew at Joel's. Yes, I am nervous. I do not know how that is going to go or anything, but I am looking forward to new possibilities.

I still love Joel. There are still all of the same emotions there. It is still going to be hard because of all of that. But I am moving on as best as I can.


The monthly deaths continue. July- my father. August- my baby girl Sally. September- my baby boy Jay Jay. And now October- my relationship with Joel.

I think I am becoming someone new or better. Maybe just a better version of me.

Whatever it is. There is hope.

Easy Fix

So. Mom and Grandpa came over and looked at the mess that was my car.

It was an easy and fairly inexpensive fix. Just a belt and some anti-freeze.

Cliffhanger

So. I had a fairly good day except for a few downs and of course work.

But.

I am driving home and the battery light in my car comes on. What the fuck?!

I decide to look when I get back on campus and park. So I turn everything off and get out, walk around the front. I see smoke coming from beneath my hood. Yay. -.-;

So something is not attached to something else? May have blown a hose. Or my water pump is dead. And my alternator belt may have gone out?

Mom is looking at it in the morning.

Resulting

All of this mess...My blog has been getting several more hits.

I do not know who is looking. I know some of the hits are valid while others are not.

Introduce yourselves. You may as well. I know one of you is a friend of Joel's. He told me that you said something about reading my blog.

I don't bite. All the time.

The flood gate breaks and the tears spill forth.

I feel like crying again. I am trying so very hard to move passed this mess.

I love Joel.

That is stupid, but I can't seem to let go of the hope that we could work out together even though I know it won't happen.

It doesn't help the situation that I am about to be on my period which means that my damn ups and downs are a lot more unpredictable than they already were. Makes me more tired than I already am.

Why can't I have a happy relationship like everyone else around me has?

Seriously.

What is so goddamn wrong with me that I do not deserve to be happy for more than a little while?

Tired

I have grown tired of being this pathetic shell of a person. I am tired of just dealing with things because thye happened to me. I want to be stronger than I am.


I was at Joel's last night. We talked. We are just friends, and both of us are in need of some space right now. I will keep in contact with him some, but I do not want to drive him crazy or anything. I want to help him, not hurt him. It is going to be hard because I have really gotten in to the habit of talking to him everyday. He is my main social connection outside of school. It is going to be hard to adjust. I will deal though. I always do.

I love him, if you couldn't tell. As stupid as it may be, I do. And I will continue to be there for him even though he may never be there for me. It would just be like it has been anyway.

It is hard right now. My heart does hurt at the moment. I am losing a large part of my life and gaining a smaller part.

Maybe one day it could be more, but I am not going to hold my breath or count down or hope or pray. I'm going to move on, and I am going to let him do the same.

Honestly, I have been feeling very alone this last week. Problems with Joel causing crazy ups and downs. I have been feeling so very alone.

I cry to no one but myself.


I left Joel a gift when I left his house this morning to come back here for class. I made a necklace a few months back with two petals from a rose that he gave me. The only thing he has ever given me. The petals are inclosed in a silver-colored cage hanging amoung black and red circles. I had made it to give to him originally.

Just something to remember me by, I suppose.

apologies

apologies
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

I have never been issued a public apology before.

Hugs.

I'm sorry too, you know.

White Flag

I surrender.

Take what you will and destroy the rest. I'm tired of hurting.

Writing

I finally wrote something again. It isn't very good. But it is something. That is what matters.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Let me open my eyes
Sew my heart shut
You don't want it

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Pick up the pieces
Place them in a box
Mail them to me

I will piece it back together
I will fix it myself

I was already broken
Don't blame yourself
It would have happened anyway

Last night

Last night was special. I was getting ready to take a shower when Joel sent me a message asking me if I wanted to go to Walmart with him. I had been bothering him because I was bored.

I took my shower and headed out, driving to his house.

I had been feeling up then down then up then down and finally was back at up at the time. I hate being like this.

After going to Walmart, I found out precisely what his project was. He was installing eye bolts in his basement, on one of the floor joists.

Yes. It is what you are thinking.

Somehow I became the technical support for this project. I had never been involved in that kind of thing before, but somehow I knew what he needed to do to have it work the way he wanted.

And yes. It did get tried out.


He needs new cuffs.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

That was about it on the good end of last night.

It still hurts, you know. Everything that has happened.

And I'm not going to be happy living this way with him. I felt like crying last night before we fell asleep. I stayed there because I didn't want to drive back so late at night and he was getting up early anyway.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

I am sorry that I am not the type of woman that you want. I'm sorry that I will never be the woman that you want. I am not your Michelle or your Katelyn. Your Sakura or your Amanda.

I am sorry that I feel inadequate because of all of this.

I CAN'T HELP IT.

I am Christie. I am broken. I am not perfect.

I have had a hard time in life. I always end up getting hurt.

I CAN'T CHANGE IT.

I believe in a happily ever after despite the fact that I am always getting hurt.

I am a very open minded person, but I am not comfortable with myself in or out of a relationship for the possibility being with more than one person in relationships at a time. I have enough problems with dealing with the fact that I am afraid that the person I am with is going to just leave me for someone better.

And it isn't a real relationship if no one knows about it right?

So was I just a toy? A fling? I didn't rate on your scale high enough for others to know.

Are you ashamed of me?

In the safety of darkness...

...emotions come out to play.

You know. I am tired, but I feel pretty okay right now.

Been thinking a lot, which doesn't really help the okay-ness.

Joel says that he is going to try and set me up with someone. Honestly, I am okay with that right now. (Don't tell him that. It might encourage him.) While I have never been on a date, I don't think I would mind it if I can maybe find some kind of happiness out of this mess that I am living in.

Darkness in Memories

Darkness in Memories
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

Even in good memories there lies pain and darkness.

For what was at one time, is no more. That in itself is enough to shake worlds.

Rollercoaster ride

That up that I was on yesterday came crashing into the ground at an alarming rate today.

I had such a very bad day. I just wanted to cry.

My manager at work didn't realize just how bad a day I was having until I explained to him that I wasn't going to be able to deal with any more rude customers in the way that they would like. That I really just felt like curling up in the fetal position and crying. Then he realized and tried to send me home. I stayed through the church rush even though I would love to have left.

After I got off, I went to my car. Out of habit I called Joel. I didn't mean to. He doesn't have to or need to deal with my stuff. He kept telling me that it was okay to call him. I was crying while I talked to him. I couldn't help it.

Everything just fell apart, and the only thing I wanted was to be able to have his arms around me telling me that it would be okay.

Stupid fairy tale dreams.

I just want to be happy and loved. Apparently that is too much to ask for out of life. Thus I am not happy nor am I feeling very loved.

Shifting out of balance

The right hand shift key on my laptop is going out. That is on top of the fact that I have certain keys that already act up and the hinges are broken. One side doesn't even stay attached anymore.

Sad face.

I definately need a new laptop.

Silver lining or Illusion?

I am feeling better today. I actually felt really good.

I was surpised. But I am tired now, which doesn't surprise me.

Let's see what tomorrow brings.

Cuppy-cakes

Cuppy-cakes
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

Cuppy-cakes
I came back to the dorm from work and climbed up here to my room.

I turn my computer on and sit down after changing out of my work pants. I'm sitting here, and I look over.

Gasp! Cupcakes. ^.^

I think it is the sweetest thing ever.

"I baked cup cakes
These are for you
-Manami"


I will eat them tomorrow, I think. I am not hungry right now.

Yay for cupcakes!

Raw

My eyes are still feeling fairly raw. My face isn't so red around my eyes anymore which means that it doesn't look like someone punched me in the eye.

I looked so very bad when I went to work yesterday. I could just feel it, and it was confirmed when I looked in the bathroom mirror before I clocked in.

ADD

I can't focus very well right now. I want to go to to sleep, but I have to write this paper. I have to get it emailed to my professor, but I am so tired right now...

Hand in my pocket

I have a pocket full of used and unused tissues, a runny nose, and red puffy, raw eyes.

Perfect combination, yes?

Uncontrollable Tears

My heart hurts.

I think that it is official.

I can't do this.

I opened a message from Amber I read the first two lines of text and slammed my broken laptop closed.

I layed back on my bed. I was on the phone with Jay. I could feel the tears coming. Like clockwork timing, he was getting off of the phone because he is tired. As soon as I closed the phone, tears were down my cheeks.

Tired of being tired

I am so tired of feeling like this. I am exhausted. I haven't been sleeping well. I go to sleep around 12 or so and wake up around 3 and then 4 or 5 and then about the time I need to get up to go to class. That or I oversleep. The latter has happened twice already.

I should be writing a paper for my Biblical Studies class, but I cannot seem to make myself read the blasted thing I have to read to write it. I tried doing it last night but fell asleep and then proceeded to have the rest of what would be considered my present normal night's sleep.

Sleepy kitty face.

Hm.

Poor Joel has a very bad sinus infection. Thus he is at home resting.

I may go and help him finish painting the livingroom this evening. He wants to get it done. I will help him do that.


I have a midterm today. Yay.. -.- Failure. Woot.

The Exciting Game of Life

I went to Wendy's after I got off of work, and then I headed here, mom's.

I get here and call Joel back. Ask him the questions in the previous post, write down his answers. I eat one chicken sandwich and come lay on mom's bed. She wasn't here. She is at a concert with my sister.

Travis, my brother's friend, was here. He went into the livingroom. A moment later I hear him say "Vernon. There is a cop here." Something like that anyway.

Yes. Let us call in the boy who doesn't know how to talk to a server in a restaurant to ask for a drink to deal with the cops. Excellent idea especially since he isn't 18.

I go talk to them. He wants to search the house. I make the executive decision to let him. It is better that way. I only let him because I am 18 and there shouldn't be some little fugitive boy in the house.

I don't know what mom will say when I tell her that I let them in. The just looked to see if he was hiding. They didn't turn everything inside out and backwards. Also didn't say anything about the alcohol bottles in my brother's room.

Travis didn't have his ID with him. This was stupid.

He doesn't know his social security number. His father doesn't know his social security number. He couldn't reach his mother. Once they talked to his father, they went with him being who he said he was.

Finally, the cops left.

I had a little chat with my brother and his friend.

God I felt like I was their mother in that moment. "You are not to hang out with that person again." "You get your damn social security card replaced, memorize your social security number, and carry an ID with you all the damn time." "Get the alcohol bottles out of your room." "Get your social security card replaced." Etc. Etc. Etc.


The cops had called in to check on my brother and Travis. They even called in to check on me. Seriously. Am I going to lie to the damn cops about who I am? No.


I am about to go back on campus because despite the cops showing up, my mother obviously isn't moving to come home so we can deal with my brother hanging out with stupid people.


Please answer the questions in the previous post. Please. It would be much appreciated.

Thank you.

Self-analyzation

I have to write a paper for my FRS class.

I need to interview people about me.

Ask five questions.

If you don't mind, would you care to answer my questions?


1)What do you consider my best and worst characteristics?

2)What do you think I value most in others?

3)What career do you think I would be best suited for?

4)What do you think I value or care about most?

5)How would you describe my personality? (Explain if you can.)

Bright Eyes

Bright Eyes
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

"For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it. For every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it. For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it."
-Ivan Panin

Good morning, sunshine.

So. I slept in about 30 minutes too long. I would have slipped into class late, but it would have been rude with a guest speaker. I am not going to be like that.

Anyway.


Went over to Joel's last night after work. Drove up the hill and saw Krista's car. Surprise. Not a bad one. Just didn't know and wasn't expecting that. He didn't say anything about her being there.

I like Krista. It is always good to get to see her and torture Joel with her.

(Read it how you will. I can't quite get everything worded the way it is to me.)

Sometimes, he is such a stupidhead.

And yes. I do realize that I have reverted to immature kindergarden name calling, but it is just how it works sometimes.

Jackson is obviously more perceptive than his father. He is going to be a heartbreaker when he gets older.

What HAVE you been doing?!

What HAVE you been doing?!
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

Paint chipping away

I was at Joel's today. I was helping him with the painting of the livingroom and hallway.

My feet are still multi-colored. I will take care of that when I talk a shower tomorrow morning.


Jackson is adorable. You definately cannot forget that. He called me "Miss Christie" once. It was so cute.

I think Jackson is more preceptive than his father.

^.^;;
Sleep....

Discovery

I have discovered that I can order the camera that I want from the Dell site for about $100 less than what I expected to pay. Woot. When I get around $400 or so, I will order my camera.

Maybe.

I am also looking at purchasing a new laptop. A better one. With a faster processor, more memory, larger hard drive, better sound, better graphics, cd/dvd reader/burner, etc. It would have stupid Vista on it, but I guess I could suck it up and deal. Maybe figure out how to make it not be as stupid as I have heard.

The laptop would be around $2000.

I don't know if I would rather get the camera first or the laptop. Either way I still have a lot of money to get ahold of in order to do it.j

I could always just save up and buy the two of them together. Then I would have both of them rather than wishing I had bought the other.

Though the laptop would be handy with wireless since the wireless on this one doesn't work for some god awful reason.

Cosmic shift?

I actually slept better last night than I have in a long while.

Better being the operative word. I don't know if it will last, get better, or go back to the way it was.

I do know that I slept through my Sociology class. That was definately unintentional. I woke up, saw that it would just have let out, and got over there. I had to turn something in.

Sigh.

Not going to work today. Going to tell them that I am sick when I get my check. I look it, I think. At least right now. Which means I am not changing a thing.

Boob-age

I was going to go back to my dorm and just clean up my side of the room since it is a mess right now. But I dind't feel like it.

I went and ate dinner around 5 o'clock and just hung out with Becca and Laura before they had to go to their theatre class thing. I went with them. I didn't want to come in here, in the library, and do homework. I don't really want to be here now, but I am.

I helped make breasts for a male. Because there are men playing female parts in that play.

It is really funny thinking about how to make breasts. How you would need to shape them. How they need to look. How they need to look like the feel. Trust me. That was definately and interesting and entertaining conversation especially when we put them on a man. One man would grope himself. Big surprise, right? The other was very cooperative.

Special.

Sleepless Nights

I do not know what it is, but I cannot get a good night's sleep.

I fell asleep doing homework last night. I was up and down all night. Kicked my laptop off of the bed. Up and down some more.

I do not know what sleep is. Honestly.


On a different note. Got a text from Jay this morning. It came off very smartass-ed to me.

"And todays lesson is when getting a new phone to go ahead and charge it i didnt hang up on u i was entering in numbers and the phone went dead as you called sorry"

That is the message as I got it. I had to try very hard not to fix it.

Um. Yes. Someone put me out of my misery. Please?


On another different note. I am seriously considering calling into work on Friday. Yep. Don't want to be there. Don't want to go. Don't want to deal with those people.

Novacaine

I am numb right now. Emotionally.

Only in the sense that I am trying to fight off the tears.

I hurt. My head hurts. My body hurts. My emotional pain has caused a seemingly physical pain in my heart.

I would say that I don't know why, but I do. It confuses me, but I do know.


On a different yet almost as emotionally trying note, Jay won't talk to me. I don't know why. He won't answer. Wait. Let me rephrase that. He won't answer AGAIN. The first time I called he answered but hung up on me. Every time there after there was no answer. He finally turned his phone off.

I don't get it.

For the love of god, someone please help me read the minds of men. I can't deal with masculine PMS right now.

Midnight Margaritas

Last night was not fun. I got off of work and talked to Joel before I went and got food, returning to the dorm.

I had a long night ahead of me.

I had to write a paper last night. I didn't want to. The article was long, boring, and made me want to go to sleep more than my already tired state did.

I talked to Joel again. This time for about 40 minutes. Definately a long phone conversation for me. Especially with him since it is usually 5-10-15 minutes or there about.

I took little naps over the course of trying to read that thing and then trying to write it.

I was up until 3:30 am.

I had to get up at 7 am.

I didn't actually sleep. My body just refused to function any longer for those about 3 and a half hours.


The real kicker here is that my professor decided that we can turn the papers in on Thursday.

Mooichido

I have a headache again. This one is very dull right now. Just barely there.

I am estimating that I will be at work when it hits full swing.

Things just work out like that again.


I still haven't heard from Jay. I am worried. I know that he may have sent his phone in, but I am worried nonetheless.

I haven't sent Joel a single text today. He hasn't sent me one. I believe that if I was to not text him, he would never text me. I don't get that honestly.

Do I have to initiate everything with anyone that I care about?

So it shall be..

I was on the phone with Krista for an hour last night. I am not a phone person. I don't usually spend more than maybe 15 or 20 minutes on the phone.

It was weird, but it was nice.

There is some sort of connection there on some level. It feels like I could talk to her about nearly anything, and that is definately not a normal occurance.

We shall see where it goes and how it lays itself out over time.


I have been talking with Amber, a friend of Joel's. She is such a sweet and beautiful woman. She has self-confidence issues. I can relate to that because I have them too.

She is starting to feel better about them with help of Joel and his photographs of her. She likes it when people comment on how beautiful she is as everyone else likes it when people say things like that about them.


It is weird.

I am making friends right now. I don't make friends very well or very often. I don't know what is going to come of this, but I do hope that it is good.

Shaken. Not stirred.

"....I’ve got another confession
I fell to temptation
And there is no question
There was some connection
I’ve got to follow my heart
No matter how far
I’ve gotta roll the dice
Never look back and never think twice...."

Those lyrics are from "..To be loved" by Papa Roach.

They hold a very strong connection to something that happened a few months ago (back in May).

They are also going to be where I start for being the person that I think I want to be.

I am going to lay it all out and see what happens. Whether or not I get hurt isn't the main thing, though it is very important on how I will be feeling. What the main thing is is that I am going to try.

I am going to try to have things work out even though I know that if I lay them out exactly how they feel it isn't going to work out and I will be hurting.

I am just going to try.

We will see where that gets me and what I come out looking like in the end.

Captivity

This evening isn't going to happen. That is fine, I guess. I would rather that we go ahead with it so that we can figure it all out, but he is feeling short tempered today. Being short tempered would not work with what was going to be this evening.


I feel like I am ready for a change. Let me rephrase that. I am ready for a change.

I have the desire to re-invent myself. I don't know that it is going to happen, but that is what I want right now.

I want to be stronger than what I really am. I want to be able to handle things in a way that won't end up hurting me in the end. I am so tried of bottling things up and breaking down when the limit has been breeched.

I am tired of being me.

Confusion

I think my resolution has fallen onto an unstable foundation.

I will see what is to come. Because I have to lay some things on the table and see what has to be said about them before I know what I will be doing. I also what to hear what has to be said before I lay it all out.

I'm not very good at dealing with my feelings and emotions. I have a tendency to bottle things up. I am trying to get better about that, but I have still bottled things up. I will be letting them out tomorrow. Or trying to.

But my resolution is on shaky, unstable groudn right now.

Who knows what the future holds. Especially when you learn to open your mouth and say what is bothering you.

And the tables turn.

I believe part of my problem has just worked itself out.

Questionable Existance (Repost since I accidentally deleted it, but managed to copy the text.)

Well. Today has just started off fantastically.

I have had another night of sleepless sleep. Waking up at varying hours over the course of the night until I finally just got out of bed around 9.

I go downstairs to do laundry. Everyone of the four washers is full. I come back down about 20 minutes later, still full. One of the girls that live here has their mother here doing her laundry. That woman is using three of the fucking washers. I believe two of the fucking dryers. So my laundry is sitting in one of the washers wet while I wait for a god damn dryer. And it is okay since I obviously don't need my work clothes cleaned for TONIGHT. Of course not.

Gah.

My roommate wakes up. Changes clothes or some shit. And leaves. Locking the door behind her. I am obviously not in the room or anything, right?

I am already over today, and I haven't been wake very long.

I love non-existance. It is just fucking fantastic.

Tired Resolution

I had a horrible headache earlier (as in Friday and not Saturday since it is like almost 1 am). It was an all day headache that I believe has been present to some degree since Sunday.

I really shouldn't stress myself out, but I do it anyway.

I have never stressed myself out so badly as to give myself that bad of a headache.

Until now.

It hurt so bad at around four.

I was laying in the floor with a pillow and a blanket, trying to relax my headache away before I went to work. I was talking to Joel on the phone at the same time. At one moment, it hurt so very much that I had tears going down my face. Didn't tell Joel that though.

Work didn't help it.

It is gone though. That is what matters.


I am thinking that I should have picked up some Benadryl on the way home. I'm tired, yes. But I haven't been sleeping very well, and I could really use a good night's sleep right now. Maybe it would lessen my stressing myself out. Especially since stress and emotional/mental "problems" and breakdowns have been making me not sleep well.

Sigh.

Sad face.

Sleepy...

Quixotic

I have been taking many quizzes today. Some of the results I have posted here, as you can see.

I think it is an effort to try to make myself feel better.

I'm not very happy right now.

I am trying so hard to figure out what I should do.

It just hurts.

I have no idea, but I will figure it out eventually, I think.

Girlfriend Rating

You are a Great Girlfriend

When it comes to your guy, you're very thoughtful But you also haven't stopped thinking of yourself You're the perfect blend of independent and caring You're a total catch - make sure your guy knows it too!

Are You a Good Girlfriend?

Humph. This might be true if I was in an actual relationship.

In Love

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time. You give and take equally in relationships. You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time. You're secretly hoping your partner will change for you. You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

Love

Your Love Style is Agape

You are a caring, kind, and selfless partner. Unsurprisingly, your love style is the most rare. You are willing to sacrfice your world for your sweetie. Except it doesn't really feel like sacrifice to you. For you, nothing feels better than giving to the one you love.

What's Your Love Style?

Keys

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

I disagree with that last line. I'm not feeling completely self-centered. A little, yes since wanting to be happy and loved may be self-centered. Wanting to not hurt anymore may be self-centered.

But I am feeling more used and unloved than anything else right now.