Last night

Last night was special. I was getting ready to take a shower when Joel sent me a message asking me if I wanted to go to Walmart with him. I had been bothering him because I was bored.

I took my shower and headed out, driving to his house.

I had been feeling up then down then up then down and finally was back at up at the time. I hate being like this.

After going to Walmart, I found out precisely what his project was. He was installing eye bolts in his basement, on one of the floor joists.

Yes. It is what you are thinking.

Somehow I became the technical support for this project. I had never been involved in that kind of thing before, but somehow I knew what he needed to do to have it work the way he wanted.

And yes. It did get tried out.


He needs new cuffs.

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That was about it on the good end of last night.

It still hurts, you know. Everything that has happened.

And I'm not going to be happy living this way with him. I felt like crying last night before we fell asleep. I stayed there because I didn't want to drive back so late at night and he was getting up early anyway.

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I am sorry that I am not the type of woman that you want. I'm sorry that I will never be the woman that you want. I am not your Michelle or your Katelyn. Your Sakura or your Amanda.

I am sorry that I feel inadequate because of all of this.

I CAN'T HELP IT.

I am Christie. I am broken. I am not perfect.

I have had a hard time in life. I always end up getting hurt.

I CAN'T CHANGE IT.

I believe in a happily ever after despite the fact that I am always getting hurt.

I am a very open minded person, but I am not comfortable with myself in or out of a relationship for the possibility being with more than one person in relationships at a time. I have enough problems with dealing with the fact that I am afraid that the person I am with is going to just leave me for someone better.

And it isn't a real relationship if no one knows about it right?

So was I just a toy? A fling? I didn't rate on your scale high enough for others to know.

Are you ashamed of me?