Death

My father is apparently actually dying.

I should care. I should be sad.

I'm not.

I'm crying right now because I'm pissed off. I shouldn't have to hear why my mom isn't here and why my grandmother's car is here from my mother's boyfriend. She should have been the one to tell me, but I come home to an empty house.

I really don't want to go to work today because I'm just going to end up pissed off more than I already am.

Wishes

Wishes
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

I can see you so very clearly with my mind..

..why can't I see you with my eyes?

1813

1813
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

....It struck again....bodies everywhere....blood drained....no hope....

The return is inevitable.
The time is unknown.
Everyone is thinking the same thing,
"There is no hope..."

Resistance is futile.

So I went to Auzzie's apartment today. It is a nice little apartment. A one room one, but I could live in something like that no problem. I don't think I would want a roommate though. If I were to ever want someone over, I would have to find a way to ditch my roommate. I don't think that that ever actually works.

I didn't feel like icky, sick shit while I was there. I left about 2:30-ish, I think. I went to McDonald's on the way home, taking the food home to eat. I ate too much, and as I ate, the sick feeling came back.

So I went to work feeling sick which is why I am home now. They let me get off early because I was sick.

I hate being sick....

Help..

Today is going to be a bad day. I can tell.

I had to wait thirty minutes to get my check when she was standing there toward the end with my check in her hand talking to someone. Thanks for that "I don't fucking exist" update. I really needed that, let me tell you. Really needed to feel like shit and be pulled down into the dark.

The lady at the bank forgot my twenty when I went to deposit my check.

My foot itches right now.

My hair looks like shit.

I feel like shit.

I want to go back to sleep....

Last Night

I had a good time at Iazzie's for his birthday. I got to watch people hitting each other with sticks, which is always fun. I'm going to be one of those fighters out there at some point. I will probably and more than likely be doing both heavy fighting and rapier.

I got to dance. I like dancing. It is fun. Especially when there is a connection with your partner. It makes it more fun. You almost go off in your own world.

After everyone began to leave, I stayed for a bit longer and was loaded up with some food to take home so that there was less of it to be eaten slowly at Iazzie's and Esperanza's. Then I left.

I went home and dropped the food off, and left there. Drove to Knoxville for a while in good company, and then I returned home, going to bed shortly after walking in the door because I was exhausted.

Overall - It was an excellent day.

Birthday Wishes

Birthday Wishes
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

Happy birthday, Iazzie.

Birthday Blues

My birthday is less than 2 months away.

I will turn 18 that day.

There is a possibility that I will have to do Maryville College orientation crap on that day....

If that is the case, I will be a very, very pissed off birthday girl.

My 18th birthday should be better than the others.

Then again...So was my 16th, but that just wasn't a good day at all. Sweet Sixteen my ass.

My damn 18th birthday needs to be better than that. I'm over bad birthdays.

Toothless

I found 1809.

It was a nice little old woman that lived there. She gave me my book and talked about how she was going to go down and see if it was ours but she didn't have her teeth in and it isn't so easy to get going when you are as old as she is, etc.

Nice woman.

1809

I bought a fairly old book to give to someone dear to me as a gift. It should have been here by now so I contacted the person I bought it from yesterday.

They shipped it to the wrong address.

I would love to know where someone gets a 9 out of a 5. I mean come on. You can't even accidently hit a 9 instead of a 5 when typing. It just isn't possible. What the fuck?!

Sigh. So now I get to go play "Find 1809 and try to get my book back." If it becomes a problem, I will win.

Water World

I went to a friend's house today before work. We went swimming in the river behind his house. It was fun. Really fun.

I went canoeing for the first time today. It was fun. Except for the whole getting stuck thing, but that was easily remedied.

I'm heading to bed because I am tired, but I am happy because I got to talk to the one who hasn't left my mind yet.

Happy.

Success

Mom took me out to let me drive my car today.

I took off in first gear several times. It made me feel good about myself.

I know that I didn't take off more than I did, but that is beside the point.

Clearing

The fog has cleared for now. The pain has lifted, and the tears have stopped.

I'm hoping that the rest of the day will remain good like that.

It happened a while ago, but I didn't want to get my hopes up. I realize now that I already had my hopes up.

Have a very nice weekend. You know who you are. I will miss you while you are gone.

Release...

Yesterday wasn't a very good day....

Today isn't going to be a very good day....

I want a release.

I want to be happy.

I want to feel like I belong. Even in the life of the one I care for, I don't seem to fit..

I want to stop hurting....

I want to stop crying....

Why can't I have a good day that doesn't just vanish into the yesterdays?....

The Little Things

I don't have to go to work today.

I don't have to have blood drawn today. (Maybe that is more of a big thing because that just made the rest of yesterday suck.)

I'm wearing someone else's shirt.

I feel beautiful today when I usually don't.

The Monday night and Tuesday morning memories are ever present in my mind.


Today, the little things are good to me. They make me smile. I am happy for now. I will enjoy that while it is here.

Had a bad day again...

I wish that I could have a good day. Or something good in my day that wasn't fleeting...

I did something nice today....

A lady couldn't pay for her ticket. Don had lowered the price as much as he could. She still didn't have enough. I paid for the rest of it.

I spent the last of my cash on something I didn't eat. For a woman and her children, neither of which I knew.

Everything has sucked today.

I made a promised phone call as I walked to my car. It rang once and he hung up on me. I wanted to cry...I wanted to call him back, but I didn't.

He text me a few minutes later. Saying that he was in a noisy bar. I didn't say anything about my being upset. About my wishing I could see him. About how it hurt that he just hung up on me.

I'm not the kind of person to do that to someone while they are doing something or while they aren't.

I just sent him one that said, "Okay. Hugs. I miss you. Have fun."

I started to cry as I drove home.

I couldn't help it...I hate it when I feel like this. When I can't stop the tears. When they come back if I ever get them stopped.

I just want to curl up in his arms and cry....

I wish he could hold me right now....

One thing to say...

Fuck first gear.

Hope

Possibilities
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

Tonight's company and tonight's reading have given me a smile that won't easily leave and hope that happiness isn't far away.

To some one close to my heart.

I wish I could be more for you right now.

I'm sorry that I can't.

Soon, I hope that you will let me.

Goals.

I have decided that I should post these goals as to try and help me keep to them.

1) lose at least 20 lbs. by my birthday.

2) strenghten my hair and get it healthy again.

Those are the main ones. I will add more if I come up with some more.

Countdown.

With each passing day, the day I move out of the house and into my dorm nears.

The day that I turn 18 nears.

Strange

I'm still happy, but I don't know...It feels as though I'm being pulled into a low again.

I don't like the lows. They aren't a very good place to be. Especially alone.

I deal with them alone so it is hard.

I don't like them more when they come on so quickly..

I think that is war is going to be the end of me one day....

It feels like that day is getting closer with each time the darkness wraps around me....

Funny.

It's funny. Despite the waiting and the possibility of having hurt yet another person in my life, I am in a good mood. I don't know why.

Wait.

I do know why.

I'm not telling. ^.^

Yay for being happy. Even if it may only be temporary.

Once more with feeling.

I'm waiting.

Again.

It seems that I return to this status of waiting quite often.

Waiting for it to roll around for time for work. Waiting for it to be time to go home. Waiting for the hole in my chest to close up again. Waiting for this happiness that I get occasional glimpses of to visit my life and stay there. Waiting for the sake of waiting. Just...waiting..

I'm waiting for a phone call today. I'm waiting to hear what they have to say. Waiting for verification that I have managed to hurt someone else in my life.

Hoping that they do not hate me. Hoping that they understand. Hoping that we can still be friends.

Waiting for hope.

Waiting for the future.

Waiting for happiness.

Waiting for the time to come when my heart isn't so much in danger of hurting.

Waiting for my birthday.

Waiting for a time when I'm not waiting anymore.

Restoration.

I have killed my hair on so many levels in these past couple of months. I have gone from using the cheap shampoo to Herbal Essences while I bleached it. I have been trying to make it healthy again.

A while ago, I was talking with a girl at work. Her hair is beautiful and went from about chin length down to her ass in about five years. And she bleached and colored her hair before that too. So we were talking and she mentioned this stuff called "Mane 'n Tail". I decided that I would give it a try and have been looking for it at Walmart. When I had sufficently looked and not found it I mentioned that. Another girl said that Food City would have it. So when I got paid today, I went to Food City. I bought the shampoo and conditioner.

I am now officially using horse shampoo and conditioner on my head, but hey. It is all good. I don't really care as long as it makes my hair healthy again. I also bought this Infusium 23 leave-in conditioner.

My hair is going to need it since I have decided to start dying it random colors once it fades out some more. Let my work stop me. I don't care. They love me. They can just suck it up and deal.

I'm not going to bleach it though. Just color it over the black/brown color that my hair is going to be.

Yay purple hair!

High.

Today I am in a very good mood. I feel really good about myself. That doesn't happen very often.

I don't usually bounce from low to high like this. Especially this high. I don't know that much will be able to take me down today.

I'm having a really high high. I know this means that the fall is going to be to not just low, but to really low. I can deal. I'm still here, aren't I?

Darkness.

I'm working through it.

It is hard...It hurts...

Headache..

Headache..
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

My head hurts. I don't know why.

What I am about to say is something that I don't say.

I could use a drink...

Privacy

I think someone has gone through my room. Things seemed a little off. This makes me uncomfortable.

No one will admit it.

The sooner I can stay out of this house the better. No one should go through my things. That is an invasion of privacy.

I want my own space in this house. I shouldn't have to worry about someone going through my things.

I made it so that my computer requires a password to access it. My desktop already had one, but now my laptop does too.

I feel uncomfortable leaving things in my own room. This isn't right.

Subtle reminders

I found a bruise on my leg. It was a surprise. I didn't realize it was there.

When I saw it, I smiled.

Morning light.

Morning light
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

I'm tired today. Happy though. It is a good tired.

I have to go to work today. Not looking forward to that so much, but today is my Friday of the week.

My head isn't so dark right now.

To be loved..

"To be loved"
by Papa Roach

That would be the song of the moment. It holds meaning to me. It reminds me of someone that I hold very dear to my heart. It also reminds me of me.

"....I’ve got another confession
I fell to temptation
And there is no question
There was some connection
I’ve got to follow my heart
No matter how far
I’ve gotta roll the dice
Never look back and never think twice

Whoa I'll never give in
Whoa I'll never give up
Whoa I'll never give in
And I just wanna be, wanna be loved...."

Banana Slap.

Today should prove to be either good, amusing, or terribly wrong before the time that I get off of work rolls around.

My sister came home from credit recovery, aka summer school, and said something which led to me sitting on her. Which led to her slapping me with a banana peel, not very hard. Which led to us throwing said banana peel at each other. Which led to said banana peel pulling apart. Which led to both of us throwing it at my mother since she is home right now. And through part of this, I was laughing so hard that I couldn't speak and was crying.

I don't get to laugh like that often. Especially not around my family.

I wish I could see a specific someone. Just to see him. Be around him. To hold his hand or to be held by him.

That would make this a very good day even if everything else just sucks.

Anxiety

I was driving to work yesterday when I got hit by a wall of anxiety. I couldn't get rid of it. I couldn't figure out where it came from or why. I never found out what was about to happen or what had happened. I just hope it isn't anything that will hurt or affect anyone around me. At least those that I care about. It passed after I got off of work, after a while.

Overcooked.

The pain is more physical today than emotional or mental. I'm sore from yesterday, but that is magnified by the fact that I started my period last night and am now cramping so bad that I want to curl up and cry myself to sleep or scream. Maybe scream and cry. I don't know. Both may work to release the stress that I am holding in my neck and shoulders.

The pain is kind of like an overcooked cookie. Crunchy on the outside. Warm and moist on the inside.

This is only today though. Who knows what tomorrow will entail. After all...I have to go to work tomorrow night, and if Melissa doesn't show up, I may scream.

It is hard sometimes...Dealing with all of this on my own. But I have to do it. No one has offered to help me. Not in a very long time. I don't think I would know how to let someone help me now. It would definately be hard to do, but it might be nice.

Having someone to share all of this shit with might be nice. Someone to share mine with and to have them share theirs too.

All too often I am the one helping everyone else while my problems and battles are pushed to the back of the stove and left to simmer while the feast goes on.

Pain...

Sometimes....It just hurts too much..

Sometimes...I am a danger to myself...

Today...I hurt so much that it makes me want to curl up in my bed and cry...

I could use someone to hold me..It hurts to be this alone...

Free..

I am going to be so very happy when I move into my dorm. I have grown tired if getting treated like shit around here.

I am going to save up as much money as I can so that I can get an apartment before I start my sophmore year. This gives me a little more than a year to get this all together. I will not live in this hell for any longer than absolutely necessary. I won't do it.

I will be 18 in two months and twenty days, plus some hours and minutes.

I will be on my own before I turn 19. I will not live at home. I will have an apartment with or without a roommate. Or I will live with someone else. I will not be bound to my family. To my past. I will be free.

How Evil.

How evil are you?

Hehe. I am damn evil. Don't you love me? ^.~

Regrets.

I have been thinking of my past recently. My past relationships.

I regret nothing.

Each and every one of those relationships has become a part of me. Has made me who I am. It has helped me understand some of my limits and see a few new ones.


I make one promise to myself today. I will regret nothing in my life.


I may think that I do, but I will not allow myself to regret anything in my life.

The depression I have isn't something that will just go away. It will never go away. My father saw to that early in my life. I may always wish I had acted sooner or whatever, but I will regret nothing.

If I could go back and change something in my life...I would change nothing.

If you change one thing, everything else changes. It doesn't matter how big or small. It can change everything.

I will regret nothing. I will not live for anyone other than myself. And I will not change who I am for anyone.

I am working on my insecurities and my flaws. I am getting better. I am much better than I was even a few months ago. It takes time.

I have hidden behind masks for far too long in my life. I am slowly exposing the world to who I am and how I feel.

If you don't like who I am, you don't have to deal with me.

Evening.

They let me off of work early. Early is always good at the time. Not so much when you get your pay check and it isn't what it would normally be.

I think my manager had grown tired of my attitude because I was definately all attitude tonight. I have grown tired of everyone's bull shit. I have grown tired of doing the jobs that no one else will. I do not get paid enough for this. There is no way that I get paid enough to do my job and the bus boy's job. Fuck. Half the time I am doing the servers' job too.

I don't get paid enough, and I damn sure don't get any tips for it.

I kept thinking of you. That kept me sane. It was definately a good way to do so.

Oh. I didn't mention. "Elvis" stopped by. Not all that grand really.

When I got off and went to my car, I pulled my phone out. There was a message from you. That made my day so much better.