Situational Systematics

I am someplace where I shouldn't be, physically. Someplace that I can't afford to be, really, but I am here anyway.

And my mind wonders.

I had a strange dream last night in this place that I am not supposed to be. The place that I am not supposed to be with the person that I am not supposed to be there with. I dreamed that the person I was sleeping beside was possessed by something rather evil, and it was just weird. They tried to attack me, but I managed to fend them off. In the dream, I went back to sleep thinking that there would be two more attacks.

I didn't sleep well the rest of the night.

Aside from the dream.

Should I really have gone? I wanted to go. The person I shouldn't have been with said that they wanted me there.

Did they really want me there? Part of me says yes. Another part of me says no. The same part that is always wondering if my presence is truly desired by this person. Because what they say and what they do tend to not match up on some level.

I suppose that part of it is how I feel about myself.

I don't know.

My mind wondered to think about, among other things that I thought about, what kind of love it is that I want. Fairy tale love isn't real. There isn't a prince charming. And I am no damsel in distress. Yet part of me wants the find that perfect man (Note that there is no such thing as a perfect man) and live happily ever after.

Part of me fears that I have become what has hurt me in the past, a polyamorist. I don't know how true that is. I am afraid though, I think, because I have always wanted to find the one person to spend the rest of my life with. I don't know that it is true, that I am a polyamorist. I think I am just too stubborn to give up on what I have tried to have but was never given because it was given to someone else all along and I didn't know it. That I am trying to keep what I thought was a possibility even though the logical part of me knows that it is not a possibility. I believe that if I find the right person, giving up those two things won't hurt so bad. But I am probably just lying to myself because I am head over heels for both even though I know better.

Then there is the part of me that has really come to terms with my single-ness (Note that this is only part of me) and embraces it fully, wanting nothing more than to go out and just have a good time. Even though that is something that I don't get to do because I always have other obligations or am broke or whatever else.

And then there is the part of me that is tired of hiding things in the closet and pretending to be whatever it is that I pretend to be in public. For I never asked to be a dirty little secret. Yet that is what I turned into.

My wonders on.

I am just so tired of not knowing where I stand or what to do or what to say or what to act. There are things that I want to try, but I am too afraid to try them because of what other people will think of me. Of what I will think of me if I like it or if I don't. I'm tired of leaving out names or facts. Or telling lies because there is something that I want to do, someone that I want to see, or whatever and there are people that don't like it.

What's wrong with me?...