Happy New Year's

Another year has passed. Funny thing is that I am relatively in the same place that I started this year at.

Sure I have a better car and am in college. But I am sitting in the house. I am pretty much alone just as I was last year despite the fact that I had a relationship then. I m ready for something good to happen on whatever level. I'm still fairly unhappy, even though I am happier than I was.

And I'm still someone's dirty little secret.


Resolution 1 of 2008.

I will not be anyone's dirty little secret. Not anymore.

Car

I have a car! Yay!

It isn't the Civic that I wanted. It is a cute little burgundy '96 Nissan Altima. It is my baby. ^.^

Seeds of Dillusion

I am so very good at making myself believe things that may not be true. I have been more careful with myself, and that is a good thing.

I play nice very well. And pretend well too.

I never said that I did the two well all the time though. Keep that in mind and tread lightly on the broken glass.

^.^

Found a money tree.

My grandma is going to co-sign a loan for me to get a car tomorrow. I'm going to get a Honda Civic. Because that is the car that I want. I love the Honda Civics. I like the newer ones better, but I will accept any one of them that I like. Hehe. ^.^

Sometimes

Sometimes you need to take things as they come. And that is what I am working on doing.

I really like Andrew, but I have no desire to invest myself completely into something only to have it thrown back in my face. So I am taking things as they come. What happens happens. If there is meant to be more, there will be more. I am just going to be open to it and enjoy what I do have.

I think that Andrew is trying to be careful with his heart. He has been married before, and it ended not so well. I believe that he is just trying to avoid ending in a similar situation by taking things slowly and not investing too much of himself before he is ready.

I am doing something similar to that. I don't know if that is what he is doing, but it feels like it may be. I don't know for sure. I don't know because I haven't figured him out yet. I am usually a fairly capable reader of people. I can figure them out most of the time, but I haven't managed to figure him out just yet.


Haven't heard from him since Sunday evening. I think he just has a lot of family stuff going on, and that is understandable. I kind of miss talking to him a bit. It is very comfortable for me, talking to him and being around him. Comfort means a lot to me in relationships. If you aren't comfortable, you will not be happy in that relationship.

Money Tree

We are trying to find a money tree. I mean..We are trying to get money together to by cars. Sigh. All we can do is wait right now. Hate waiting on things most of the time. Nothing gets done if you have to wait. You sit and do nothing because you can't really do anything that will help. Blarg.

Merry Christmas

Tomorrow is Christmas.

This is the happiest I have been around Christmas in a very long time. It is nice, really. I hope it lasts.

I like being happy.

I make pie.

Finished Product #2
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

I have never made pie before. First attempt.

Made two of them. I hope they turn out well because I intend to give on to someone as a Christmas gift. I will be thoroughly upset if it isn't good.

Three Days Later

So. It has been a relatively problematic past three days. Really just Wednesday and Thursday. My car broke down on Wednesday. It is believed to be the transmission or the gear shifter. Thursday mom's other car broke down on me. In Jefferson City.

Other than the car issues, life has been pretty freaking fantastic. I went to Jefferson City Wednesday despite my car breaking down.

Andrew is in Jefferson City. I really like Andrew.

Thursday we went to go get some food. I was driving my mom's other car. It broke down. It is still in Jefferson City. It threw a rod.

I just got home a little bit ago. I didn't want to come home, but I knew that I would have to come home eventually so I sucked it up and came home before I convinced myself to stay nother night. That would not have been a hard task, convincing myself to stay another night. No. That would have been easy. Really, I was already convincec, but I don't like to wear my welcome out.

Andrew makes me happy. It's comfortable. I don't have worries with him except that he is thinking too much of me and not enough of himself. I can sit and watch him play games and be plenty entertained.

I wish I was with him right now.

Hey you there

Color me happy.

-^.^-

Christmas Shopping

So. I have done all of the Christmas shopping that I am doing presently. If I need to get anything else. It is going to be after Christmas, when I have money again.



Well. Rephrase. I have money. I just don't have enough to go buy people gifts becaus that costs more than you would think when it adds up.

So there is this boy...

Yesterday was a good day despite my car disliking me. I drove to Jefferson City.

Andrew lives in Jefferson City. He is letting me borrow books. Many books.

I like him. I like him more than I feel like I should. I'm not going to fight it. What is supposed to happen will happen in its time.

He is sweet and patient. Exceedingly easy to talk to. I don't even think about what I am saying when I say it. In person, I am more silent than not, but when I talk, I talk without thinking about it.

I was up until sometime around 2 am IMing him.

I wish...

I wish that it was as easy as it feels.

Rawrg.

So. I may end up being without a laptop again. Can't get the power cord to connect to the laptop. Won't charge. Can't use the laptop if the damn thing won't charge or run off of the cord.



I am over it. Someone please shoot me now.

Robotic

Today has not been one of the best days that I have ever had. I don't know how many times I had to force myself to act like a human being. Or how any times I caught myself just going through the motions of what I was supposed to be doing without thinking about it. While that is a handy thing, it gives me time to think. Not something that my mind is necessarily up for today.

I wish that I wasn't at home right now. I want to be somewhere else. Somewhere that makes me feel happier than these walls and these people.

New Beginnings

It is time to start over.

We are starting over. We jumped too quickly in the beginning after all.

I want to ask if we can start over in January. So that I can be happy through the rest of this godforsaken holiday. I won't. I wouldn't be happy if it happened that way anyway. Really. This just says that I lose in a much grander fashion.

I knew it would happen. That I would lose.

I knew.

So we start over.

There is..

There is a point in time at which you just want to give up. You just want to cry and cry and cry some more. You wonder what made you make the decisions that lead to this point.

I am at that point.

I do not know what I have done. I have no answers. Words won't even be shared to tell me that.

I just keep stumbling along. Tripping and scrapping my hands and knees. Those little scrathes make one large hole in the end. Too bad I don't have anything to actually use to fill that hole and make me complete again. Not that I was ever complete to start with.


All I have ever done is be there for you. I give and give. You are never there when I need you. You never tell me what is wrong. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep doing this, and yet I will keep doing this. I will continue to be there for you. I will continue to give. I will continue to hold my tongue. I will continue to try to help you only to have you throw it in my face. And then I will come back for more. That is what you do when you are obviously too damn stupid to realize that you are being used and are not loved.


Did I mention that I feel pretty much like shit right now? No? Well. I did now.

Reading

Reading is such a comfort until you fill the contection and the pull of a very familar emotion. I get so into books.

I feel what the characters feel.

Alternate Realities

My reality isn't very happy right now. In fact, I'm quite miserable. Yay.

I don't know what is going on, but I wish I could make whatever it is right.

I have taken reading up again. Almost obsessively. I am sure that I will reach that point again. If I read, I dive into it. I live it. Time is nothing when I read. Other worlds are far more pleasant than my own.

Merry Christmas. I was starting to develop a desire to celebrate the holiday. Now I am just depressed again. Forced happiness is just not in my list of abilities right now.

I can't fake a smile when I want to cry this much.

All alone with nothing to do

I called into work today because I really didn't feel up to going. I just don't feel like dealing with it.

I called into work and I have nothing to do. It makes me sad. I can't get in contact with Joel. I don't know. I think he wants me to leave him alone for a while or something, but he won't tell me. I keep trying. Sigh.

I think I may just end up holing up with a book. Finishing it and then reading another.

I have no social life. I am pathetic.

I changed...

"I became a weaker and a stronger person with the same breath. I never lost my determination or stubbornness. I developed who I am better. I lost some of who I was at the same time."

Restless

I didn't have to work last night, per normal. We weren't having dance either.

I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't want to be one of those people that spend their days off in the library.

Well. I spent my day off in the library.

I was up until midnight reading. I would have stayed up later if I hadn't pulled myself from the book to look at the time. When I did that, the fact that it was midnight and I hadn't been sleeping well fell on me hard. It cut off any chance of finishing the book last night.

Written in the stars or in binary code?...

It is early on a Friday morning. I was woken up by my little pixie of a daughter, Maeve. She is but three years old and an early riser. I fix her a bowl of cereal to entertain her for the few moments of peace that will come from that. She is a morning person. That is something that she did not get from me.
I take a quick shower and dress. I run a brush through my long hair, about the only attention it ever gets from me during the day. I head back into the kitchen to see that Maeve has lost her early morning energy and returned to the quiet little girl that she is most of the time. I kiss her forehead and tell her to go get dressed. She runs off to her room to get dressed while I gather what I need of my things and a snack for her for the ride over to the store.

No. I’m not married. I dream of one day finding the right guy and having my happily ever after, but if it isn’t meant to be, it isn’t meant to be. It hasn’t been meant to be yet. It doesn’t bother me or upset me. I have my beautiful little girl and the bookstore that I have always dreamed of. I am happy with my life as it is. I don’t have to have a man in my life to make it work. That is just an extra piece that is missing.
My daughter is my life. My daughter and my bookstore. I don’t ask for anything more. I have worked hard to get to where I am. I worked for my house. I worked for my bookstore. I worked for my independence. No one will take that away from me.
And no. Maeve does not know her father. Her father does not know about her. It was just easier that way when I found out. Things between us were not great. We were to be married, yes. Were. He left me not knowing that he had a little girl that would enter the world in less than a year’s time. I did not know it at the time either. I don’t know that I would have changed how things worked out even if I did. I wouldn’t want him to stay just for her when he didn’t love me as he once thought.
But I digress.

I get Maeve in the car and head over to the store. It is time to open, and if I’m not there, who would be the one to do that? I’m the only person that works in the store, and it works out just fine that way. I manage everything as best as that I can, and that is good enough for me.

It is a slow day at the start. We are never very busy. That just gives me time to spend with Maeve, time to cook, time to read. It gives me time to do anything that I desire. Right now I am planning the Fall Festival that I hold. It is only as big as the volunteers and what I can arrange, but the people around here love it. I love it.
Maeve is reading some book. She takes after me there. I love to read. I hope she never loses that passion in her life. It always kept me grounded when the world seemed to be spinning out of control. Enter someone else’s world. You don’t even have to do anything. Just enjoy the ride. I hope reading can do that for her too. Life won’t always be easy or fun.

As lunch rolls around and people have cashed their checks, it is payday after all, we get the people that like to come in on their lunch breaks and look around. Sometimes they buy something. Sometimes they just browse and talk. I don’t mind it. You don’t have to come into a store and buy something. You can come in just to look and see what there is to be seen. You never know what kind of hidden treasure you may run across.
As we get more people in the store, Maeve moves around behind the counter with me. She has her own seat up there so that she can watch the people. She likes to watch the people. Sometimes I catch her mimicking them, and it brightens even the most unpleasant of days.
She is more of a people person than I have ever been, but only when she so chooses to be. If she doesn’t want to talk to anyone, she won’t. She may even walk away from them to go do something that she wants to do. I’m working on that because she doesn’t say a word and just walks away. I want her to be a better person than some of these people that I deal with.

After the store returns to its steady rate of not busy, I go into the kitchen and cook Maeve and I something to eat. She watches as I cook. Always has. It interests her, I know. I let her help when I make cookies and cakes. I don’t let her help with anything that would involve cutting something or her actually getting close to the oven. When she gets a little bigger, I will teach her what I know and let her develop things on her own like I did.
The rest of the day is slow. Maeve and I play games and read books. I put her down for a nap in one of the rooms in the back. I made sure that she would have a place to play and sleep away from the business of the store. Sometimes I work later, depending on whether or not I have arranged to have something happen after normal store hours, and I want her to be comfortable and entertained if I can’t be with her.
After her nap, she comes back to the front with me as I straighten things up and restock what has been bought. She likes to help right now. I know that in years to come she will not want to help me. She won’t even want to be at the store as much as she is now. And I treasure the times she is here and helping me.
As the day progresses, we play and read until the last few hours of business. I begin to straighten everything up and make sure everything is how it should be. Maeve is playing in the back. Dancing, I think. I can hear music. She loves to dance and play like most children.

After the store is closed, it is time to head home. Tonight there is dancing at my house. I’m still involved in the SCA, and I love the dancing. I have organized a near weekly dance at my house. Maeve loves it just as much as I do. I think it may run in the family because her father liked it too.
When I get home, I begin to cook. On Dance Nights, I cook plenty. I feed those that come over to dance. Others bring beverages of varying kinds. Everyone brings their own energy, and we all dance. If you don’t have a partner when you show up, you will before the dancing begins. If you don’t have friends when you start to play in the SCA and start to come to dance, you make them quick enough. It isn’t hard since the people here are open to everyone.

One day Maeve will want to know about her father. If she wants to meet him when that time comes, I will contact him and arrange it. Until then it is just the two of us when we get up in the morning and go to sleep at night.
I tell her the same story every night before she falls asleep. When the time comes and she wants to know about him, I will tell her that story again. And when I do, I won’t leave out little details like names.

Update

I am working on my FRS assignment. You know. Since it should kind of be turned in by 5 pm. You know. 36 minutes from now. No rush.

I will post the second part of it when I get finished. I think it is kind of interesting. I get to make up a day in my life in the future.

Currently

I am sitting in the library on campuse with a pair of headphones on that kind of hurt my ears so that I can listen to music. I am trying to do some work for my FRS class. Thus far...I have been successfully avoiding it.

I...

I am tired. So very tired.

It was worth it, I think.

Necessary.

Who knows what will happen now. I don't. I couldn't begin to imagine what will happen now.

We shall see.

Strength

I need to be strong.

Words

Hope has officially been lost in respect of something that I dearly desired and grandly pursued. It was a good run, I think. But it has reached its end.

I need to take some time to mend my heart. No one else will if I don't.




And really, I need to stop crying over it.

Seeking

Silences cloud the most obvious things
No hopes
No smiles
Just tears

I have no answers
Clarity is fleeting

My mind speaks of one solution
My heart twists in disagreement
In agony
In realization

"Parting is such sweet sorrow," said one wise man long ago
"The beginning of love is a horror of emptiness." said another

Seeking out for what isn't there or what seems to not be there
Futile effort

Crying for what you have lost
Futile

Hoping for a grand change of heart
Futile

Hoping for a love that someone else has already claimed
Just end it now

99 Red Balloons

One day, hopefully in the not too distant future, I think that I may get 99 red balloons. I will attach some message, sentiment, or secret to each and release them into the sky.

I want to do this. I think it would be a good exercise in release.

Who knows if it will actually happen.

Give and Take

I would give you anything
Just to see you smile.

It wears me down after a while.

I give and give and give some more.
You take and take and take.

I want so much for you to be happy.
Even at my expense.

One day you will learn that you can't have it all and give nothing back.

Until that day
I give and give and give some more.
Losing my freewill.

Talking with the Faeries today...

I decided to talk to the Faeries. I did for myself and for mom.

A funny quote sprung from mom's cards.

"If you love something, set it free. If it doesn't come back, hunt it down and kill it."

Very amusing. Especially taken out of context of the rest of the text.