Happiness

I am actually fairly happy with my life in general. There are things that have been problematic and have caused little upsets, but I am happy.

I have been for a month or so really. Yes, there have been the down days, but those will be ever present in my life. It is just how it is.

I am happy. That is one thing that I have never been able to say. I fear that it will come crashing down, yes, but I am happy. It feels good to be able to say that.

Sure I am looking for another job because the one I have presently is driving me completely off the edge. Sure my father died. Sure I have hurt my foot--it is doing better today, just so you know. Sure everything is about to change when I move into my dorm and start college. But I am happy.

Resolution

I have decided.

I have decided what I am going to do.

I am not going to change anything. I am going to let things run as they may. What works out, works out. What doesn't is probably for the best.

At least that is all that I can hope for because I will not force myself to choose between two loves and alienate myself from one in the end. I won't do it. I was told that he would be there when I am ready to try again if that time should come. Such a sweet man, that one. Both of them really.

Presently, he is my friend, and that is fine. Neither of them know about the other. I am going to tell them. I just haven't figured out how. Because they both deserve to know about the other. That could easily be the deciding factor in this entire situation. For it is human nature to judge.

Topsy-Turvy

I'm confused. I feel kind of like my heart is being ripped apart. In two. I don't like that feeling, but I'm stuck there right now. Because I don't want to have to choose, and I don't want to have to lose them.

Scribles

I was looking through some of my notebooks from school. I found some of my poems and stories.

I use to be able to write constantly. Then I reached a writer's block. It has never fully lifted. I haven't written much of anything in a long while.

This one that I am about to type up has no title. It was originally written without the responses, but I added the responses later because I was hiding from myself and others, something I do often. It was an un-delivered plea to the one I was with then. Was being the operative word.

Anyway. Here is one for the non-existant audience that views my blog. Note - The white is written in purple in reality, but my background is purple so that doesn't work so well.


Feeble promises
With an empty, broken heart.
Supposed puppy dog kisses.
"I love you" --- "I love you too"

We all know
The stories, promises, rehearsed lines.
We all love
The -- idea.

Open, warm embraces
Gentle kisses
Where are they?!
Why don't I have them?!

They belong to another.

WHERE is your love for ME?!
WHERE did it go?!

It was never there.

Maybe it was--is my fault?...
I didn't love you right?...

Maybe it is my fault...
With my quiet confessions?
My ....mental--upsets?
My ...unsettled nature?

That is one way of putting it...

But...why?
Why can't you love me for me?
I love you for you.
With your beast-like tendencies...
I love you...

Because I can't.

You can't love me...
You...
Can't...
Love me...

No.

WHY?!
Why can't you love me for me?!
Hold me?!
Love me?!
KISS ME WITH THOSE LIPS LIKE ROSE PETALS?!

And make it all right...
Make it right for me...

Because I AM you.

Lunch at 4 pm.

Lunch at 4 pm.
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

I always cook too much, and I am always only cooking for me. Sigh. Maybe that won't be the case one day....

I never realized...

My sister decided to be a dinosaur.
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

...how badly my camera sucks until I was looking at this picture a moment ago...

I really need a new camera....

Sigh.

I wish I may...I wish I might... - pt 2

I have set my goal. I want to have it -the camera- by the time I move into my dorm, in just a little over a month. I know that it may not happen by then, but I am going to try hard. If that can't happen, I will have it by the end of September.

I wish I may...I wish I might...

This is the Canon Powershot S5 IS.

I will have this camera if it is the last thing I do.

And I will have it as soon as I can possibly save up $500 to buy it with.

I accept donations.

Really.

I mean I couldn't possibly ASK for the money to buy it.

But if it is GIVEN to me...

I just couldn't refuse if you insisted.

Mister Sandman. Give me a dream.

I had this insane dream. Not really insane. Just strange.

I woke up once at somewhere around 9 this morning and made a trip to the bathroom. Thinking the entire way I was walking "That was strange...I want to finish that dream...." So I made myself go back to sleep. At almost noon I finally emerge from my sleep for the second and last time.

Both times that I woke up, it felt as though I had been crying, talking, or screaming in my sleep. I don't know if I had, but it felt that way.

When I woke up a second time, I was laying in my bed thinking when I got a text message. It was amazing timing for that text because it was from the person that the dream revolved around.

Grasping

Grasping
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

Black and white.

Today is exactly that. Black and white.

There is no color in the moments.

Just raw facts. Unaltered truth. Clear desperation.

Pain

My chest hurts when I take a deeper breath.

Not healthy, I know. But I'm not going to do anything about it. I don't want to deal with it if it is something or if it isn't.

If I am dying, I'm dying. I don't want to deal with hospitals and the like.

Cleansing

I have discovered that yes, there are walls and a floor in my closet, and no, it isn't just a black hole that sucks everything in to never be returned. Huzzah!

I move into my dorm in just a bit over a month. I have to get things organized and packed.

Off to see the wizard - The Return

It was a good movie. It is probably good that I haven't read the book in a long while or I would have had an opinion about how they changed what, when, and why.

Off to see the wizard

I'm going to see the 9:00 showing of Harry Potter.

At some point my ex is supposed to be calling me to talk. I hope that goes well. I hope things are working out for him. He does deserve to be happy, and I never meant to hurt him. I do still love him. But I always love anyone who has managed to get that close to me.

Down to the Basics

Down to the Basics
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

I got to get armored up yesterday. It was fun. It will be more fun when I have armor that is actually mine that actually fits.

Yesterday was a good day aside from a few selected moments.

Open mouth, insert foot

Someone please just shoot me.

New Beginnings

Today. Well. Rather yesterday, but that is beside the point.

I have rid myself of the old me in a way. I colored my hair, normal for me - I do realize, and I let a girl from work cut my hair.

Sometimes we need to start over. And I will do this. I'm not going to be the same as I was in some ways, but in some, I will be the same. Parts of me I don't want to change.

What I am going to change:
- Weight
- Self-esteem
- Self-confidence
- Self-doubts
- Problems expressing my emotions/feelings/etc.

I will be a better me. I will stop doubting what role I am in the lives of others. I will achieve what I aim to achieve.

I will not lose love. I want to make this relationship work. I don't want to lose this one. I'm tired of losing relationships. I'm tired of hurting. If this one ends, it isn't because I didn't fight for it.

Wish me luck. I may very well need it.

Double-edged Blade

I'm trying to keep my mother sane.

But trying to keep her sane is pushing me over the edge.

I need to get away for a while, but I can't. I need a vacation, but I can't just leave. I have to help. I have to be the good child. I have to help my mother when all I really want to do is run into one man's arms and stay there for a while. I have to be strong.

So I can't.





But I can't keep going like this. It is ripping me apart.

Another Day

I changed shirts today. Probably a good thing since I had been wearing the other one since Tuesday after work. Shit happens.

I have had a lot of deja vu moments today. I don't know why, but I have.

Waking Up

I wake up today, and it is as if nothing has changed.

While everyone else gets to enjoy the fireworks and food today, my mother and I get to go take care of a few things at my father's house.

I know things have changed. I remember my tearful episode from yesterday. The fact that I ran to one man for comfort even when he had things to do. That means something to me. That he was the first one I called and wanted to tell. The one that I cried to. The one that held me when I cried and didn't expect me to say anything. It means something.

End Scene

Setting
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

July 3rd, 2007
1:00 p.m.

Oliver W. Hamlet died.

This man was my father. This man is also someone that I was so very sure that I hated for everything he put me through while I was growing up. That is until I broke down on the drive home from work.

I was talking to someone that I hold very dear when I broke down. Even though he had his own things to do, he let me come over to his house. It wasn't for a very long time, but I don't care. He didn't expect me to talk or to do anything. He let me cry and held me while I cried. For the first time in my life, someone kissed me while I cried. He didn't care that I was all red-faced, tear-stricken, and runny-nosed. He kissed me anyway.

To this man that I can not possibly ever deserve (You know who you are if you read this) - I am sorry that I called you crying. Came over to your house crying. I'm sorry that I kept you from leaving earlier. I'm sorry that I was a bother. I'm sorry that I can't help but be sorry even though you told me that I never have to be sorry. You are amazing and wonderful, and you deserve so much in life. I hate that you don't have it, but I hope to help you get it.

From a far off land...

From a far off land...
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

Castle Walls

I don't open up to people very easily. Even when I do, I don't talk about my past. I don't like my past even though it has made me who I am. I don't like part of who I am. Sometimes I don't like any of what I am.

I don't like to trust people. I am less likely to get hurt if I don't trust people.

I don't like letting people get close to me. I always end up hurt if I do.

But when I let you in, when I trust you, when I let you get close to me and I love you, I am very vulnerable.

When I love you, I always love you. Even if I hate you, I love you because I have let you into my heart, and there is always going to be that place for you. I may hate you, but I still love you. I still care about you.

When I let you in, please don't hurt me.

I am fragile. I break easily once you get in.

OSFTSB (One Step Forward, Three Steps Back)

Mom isn't keeping it together very well. I'm having to kind of take the lead of the family again.

I am almost free. Almost. And now I'm pulled back. I have to try to take care of things. Keep mom together. Keep things in order a bit. I am really not liking this.

Death v2.0

I take part of what I said back.

I am sad. I'm sad that my father wasn't what he could have been to me. I'm sad that he didn't care.

I'm sorry that he was an abusive fuck when I was growing up. I'm sorry that he didn't see how much he hurt me.

I'm sorry that I wish he could have been better when I know he would never have been better.


I will miss what he should have been in my life. Not who he is. What he should have been.