Two Weeks To Go. --- Thirty-one Days Remaining.

I have two weeks until I am out for winter break. Next week is the final week of classes. The following week is when finals are. I have one on Monday, one on Tuesday, and one on Wednesday and then I am finished. My other two classes don't have finals.


Two weeks to go and my world seems to be headed toward a meltdown again. Big surprise there.

Everything has to happen at once, and when nothing is happening, nothing at all is happening usually.


Thirty-one days until it is a new year.

I am ready for it. This year has been....eventful to say the least. I wonder what next year has in store. I know that it sounds sappy, but I do wonder.

I am hoping that it brings good things. I am in need of a few good things in my life.

Good Morning, Sunshine. Or rather moonlight. Seeing as it was 2 am.

I was at Joel's last night.

Yes. I am a masochist.

He woke me up at 2 am because he hadn't fallen asleep and he wanted company. Aside from other things, that is.

Well. When I finally fell asleep again, for some reason I couldn't stop talking and I couldn't fall asleep, I had the most unnerving dream.

Seriously. I thought it was real. And it hasn't left my mind since.

I have been analyzing it.

Well. Here is the gist of it.


I was at someone's house. I lived there(?), but he and I were just friends. Well. He had some woman over. And I hated that (obviously since I love him). He and she would fuck. I won't say make love because he was doing it to hurt me. If he thought it wasn't hurting me he would stop. As soon as I would cry or whatever, he would go back in there and go at it again. (Can't believe that I just said "go at it". So wrong on so many levels.)

I argued with him, and tried to get him to stop. He wouldn't admit that he was doing it to hurt me. He wouldn't admit that he loved me and wanted to be with me (because that was what he wanted in the dream. I knew it even though he wouldn't come out and say it).


That is all I remember.

I am open to any opinions or theories.

First attempt unaided

First attempt unaided
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

It isn't perfect. I shall get better.

I have done a large portion of this sitting in the library with nothing to do.

...I think I may go to sleep now.

Blarg.

I am in the library, bored. Wanting something to do. Can't really do anything. Should go to sleep. Don't want to go to sleep.

I am doing Viking Wire Weaving sitting in the library. Pretty sure that people think that I am crazy, but then again, what else is new?

Story of a Girl

Story of a Girl
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

"This is the story of a girl,
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world!
And while she looked so sad in photographs,
I absolutely love her,
When she smiles..."

"Story of a Girl" by Nine Days

The longing is back. The longing for something that I will never have. That I can only dream of having, but will never achieve.

I just wish that the longing would go away. I think I would be much better if the longing would just leave me alone in my misery.

Open and Release.

I am simply posting this for the sake of getting it out of my head and off of my chest. I will dwell on it no longer after this. At least without a fight on my part.



To whom it may concern and who will never read it,

I hate you and admire you at precisely the same time. With the same breath even. You are someone that I will never be. You have someone that I will never be.

And that is fine. I am fine. I deal. I will not drive myself crazy trying to figure out what isn't to be figured out.

And I will not fight for something, or someone, that I will obviously not win.

I will not give up hope. But I will do nothing to make it happen. I am tired of expelling so much effort and recieving nothing in return. It isn't worth it.

It just isn't worth it.

Silence

Silence
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

I have been fairly silent as of late. My laptop is dead. Thus I can do nothing with my photos. I am tired. I am trying to figure somethings out. My mind isn't a silent place though I am silent elsewhere. And I am trying to help someone else instead of helping myself. The faeries may be right. There seems to be a breakdown in my future.

Awake by 5 am. Out of bed by 5:30. In the kitchen by 7 am.

I woke up early this morning. Do not ask me why. I have no answer.

I woke up. I played on the computer for a bit.

I decided that I wanted to make cookies.

Off to Kroger we went.

Better than me...

"You deserve much better than me."


I love this song, "Better than Me" by Hinder. I don't know why.

Everyone deserves their happiness. I would rather be miserable so that someone else, someone that I care about so very much, can be happy than make someone that I care about miserable so that I can be happy.

Sometimes that doesn't seem like it is enough for the world. A lot of times it doesn't seem like that is enough for the world.


"The bed I'm lying in is getting colder.
Wish I never would've said it's over."

Happy Turkey Day

Hope that you all are having a happy Thanksgiving.

Home for the Holiday - Turkey Day

At mom's.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, aka Turkey Day. I have to go to work. Woot. -.-

I have to work on Friday too. I don't want to. Am seriously considering calling in. Dunno. I want to have something to do if I am going to call in.

Went to Joel's last night. Got there about 1:30 am. Didn't go to sleep until after 3 am, I think. Woke up about 9 am. Pretty much still wired as I was yesterday. Also a bit tired now, but that comes from the fact that I have been playing a video game since about 11:something.

Joel just now seems to have grasped the fact that we are friends still. I don't know really. Pretty sure he should have figured that one out already. Don't ask me what is going on in his head.

As though it were a dream.

Title doesn't really go with the post, but I am tired right now which means that it works damn it.

Last night was fun. Rehearsal went well. It was fun. All that good stuff.

Ended up watching Vincent, Iazzie's 2 year old grandson. He is adorable. Seems to like me pretty well too. (Big surprise seeing as apparently most children like me presently.)

Then it turned to not fun when I was trapped in the damn library until it closed. My laptop is still not working. I am still having to be in here, the library to do anything internet related.

When I want to not do something, I can avoid it in new and interesting ways. I drew on my arm with eyeliner, many different colors. Had Joel call me because I just wanted someone to talk to, and he was the only one that would. Had a text conversation with Jay. Ended up making him mad at himself as opposed to mad at me? I don't know how that worked out, but it did.

Not talking about this morning. thoroughly over today.

Don't want to go to work. Don't want to go to work on Thanksgiving. (Did I mention that I need a new job? No? Well. I did now.)


I am more confused than ever about something, but I am not going to post it because I need to deal with this one myself. Have ranted to someone about it, yes. But otherwise, it is all me.

I will get it all figured out eventually.

Plus. I am on a roll. I am not keeping as much in as I normally do. Which is better for me, of course.

Anyway.

Just thought I would update since I can't do much of anything without my laptop.

Beauty

Beauty
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

"I was watching you tonight. You are a beautiful lady."



Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I'm afraid.

Desire

Desire
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

Isn't it nifty?

I like how this set turned out.

Especially since I was the only one in the room, which means that these are my hands. Go me.

It makes me happy because I think it looks good. I will shut up now.

Anyway.

Release

Sometimes
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

My laptop has apparently decided that it hates me. It doesn't work. I ahve to use the computers in the library right now. I don't know why the world has decided to keep throwing me curve ball after curve ball, but I have grown tired.

Violate me....

Violate me....
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

"You let me violate you, you let me desecrate you
You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you...."

Closer
Nine Inch Nails

La la la la

I feel good right now. I am starting to get tired, but that isn't surprising.

But I do. I feel good.

I don't know why. I don't have anything good going on in my life right now. Everything is the same as it has been.

Maybe something good is about to happen. That would be fantastic.

Princess Buttercup

I forgot how useless that girl is in this movie. I mean seriously.

Pick up the damn sword and stab the goddamn rodent.

Seriously. It isn't that hard.

The Princess Bride

I love this movie. Bought it at Walmart yesterday.



Is it sad that I want something kind of like this in my life? Yes it is! ^.^



And that is okay with me.

Gah...

Yesterday was not fun. Work was so horrible.

About 30 minutes before we were going to take the dinner bar down and put up breakfast, something like a hell of a lot of people came in. I think it was atleast over 100. I don't know.

I know they wiped out my goddamn bar. And the kitchen didn't have the stuff to replace it with already cooked because it was almost time for breakfast. Who the fuck would have all of that food made right before breakfast?! Seriously.

I burnt myself so much. I dropped a pan of grits, and I honestly didn't care by that point. Over it.

When I got off, I felt almost like puking. I think it came from the running around so much, sweating at the bar, and the fact that there wasn't really time to get a drink of anything.

I feel better now. Just fucking tired.

Those goddamn people are coming back tonight.

Up for calling in anyone? I know that most of nightshift is.

Tis the season, I suppose.

Christmas Wishlist
-One really good snow
-Laughter outside when it is cold enough to see your breath, which makes you only laugh harder
-To know that when I just want to cry, there is someone there to tell me that it will be okay and make me believe it
-Someone to run up behind me, wrap their arms around my waist, and spin me around until I laugh so hard that I cry just because they want to see me happy
-Someone that will bring me flowers at work even though especially since I work in a stupid restaurant
-Someone that will answer the phone no matter what time I call them and listen to whatever stupid thing I need to say or just talk to me if I want to hear their voice
-Someone that will drive to see me sometimes rather than making me drive to see them all the time
-Someone that will surprise me
-Someone that doesn't want me to change to be in their life
-Someone who will just let me come over even when I have something to do simply because they like to have me around
-Someone who understands that I am different and not always different in the same way
-Someone that understands that I would do anything to make them happy even if it doesn't make me happy, but won't ask me to do something that won't make me happy
-Someone that will make my life brighter
-Someone to dance with
-Someone to kiss in the rain
-Just...someone

Rain Rain

I love the rain. Don't so much care for the pool of water in my floorboard.

So I was walking back from my car, after being rained on in my car and etc. I had my jacket over my bag with everything in it. I was drenched from head to toe.

I like the rain. I don't mind being wet.


Yay for rain!

Ode to....Sleep

I....

Need some sleep.
Need some sleep.
Need some sleep sleep sleep.

I need some sleep.
Need some sleep.
Need some sleep sleep sleep.

I need some sleep.
Need some sleep.
Need some sleep sleep sleep.

I neeeeeeeed some sleep sleep sleep.



------------------------------------------------------------

I am operating on about 3 hours of sleep. I have been pretty much crazy all day. Woot. Loopy Girl.

The Devil comes in Christmas colors

Transcription -REMOVED-

I removed this post.

I was frustrated and fairly pissed off when I posted this. It did not need to be shared because it is something that should have just been kept between myself and the other involved.

If you read what was here before, do not antagonize him.

I have bottled up a lot of stuff over the course of our involvement, his and mine. It is all just coming out slowly when he upsets me. I am fine. I am over it. He and I are through and we are both okay. There is peace between us, and we are on good terms.

I just have to work through everything that has been bottled up.

I think that was actually the largest portion, what we worked through last night.

I am sorry to have posted this. To you all and to him.

It was not something that should have been shared.

For whom it may concern...

I would advise you to not call someone when they called you nearly two hours ago and they no longer desire to hear your voice when you can't even speak clearly.

And do not tell that someone that they are wrong. That if they did this, you would realize that something actually important was needed.

You will never change.

You are an emotionally stunted bastard, and you need to have your head surgically removed from your own ass. There are other people out there. It isn't all about you.

Awakening

I have realized something.

If I were to ever actually need someone to be there for me that wasn't family, I would be so very alone.

Out of all of the people I know, very very few would be there if I needed something bad enough to call because I don't call people asking for shit unless I can't get around it.

So. Thus is life.

Sniffle.

I was feeling better this morning. Was.

After work I went to visit the Walmart-Monster to get some necessities for battling this plague.

I am..

I am strong.
Stronger than before.

I am independent.
I do not need you.

I am happier.
Happier than with you.

I am me.
What are you?

Red eyes.

I hate this, yet again. My nose is running and stuffy at the same time. My left eye is watery, but not my right. I keep feeling like I have to sneeze and not sneezing. Then when I do sneeze, it is powerful.

Around my left eye is red because I have been trying to keep the tears from going down it. It looks like I have been crying. And punched in the face.

Yay.

-.-

Achoo. Achoo. Achoo.

I am so tired of sneezing right now. Been doing it all night. Nose is still stuffed up. Still runny. Throat is sore AGAIN.

Can I just be not sick? Yes? Thank you.

Dream Land

I had a funny dream last night. Well. This morning really.

I only remember part of it.


I had gone to an SCA event up at Big Ridge State Park. Don't know what event it was or anything.

Well. I had forgotten stuff. I was trying to leave and go get it before it got too dark out. Joel wouldn't let me leave. Don't know why. Said something about how we weren't supposed to, I think. Don't ask me.

Well. I finally convinced him to let me go, but he had to go with me for some reason. Well. We had gone and gotten nearly everything when we went back to my dorm room to get more stuff. I was getting things and Joel disappeared. When it was time to go, Joel said something about an airplane.

I went back alone.


I have absolutely no idea as to what this was about. Just thought that I would share.

Blarg.

I hate being sick. This cold is driving me bonkers.

Nose is stuffed up AND runny. Throat is sore on and off.

I just want to go to sleep.

Blargity.

Earth to...

I have a minor cold right now. Nothing big. It will be gone soon enough.

It takes a lot to get me down.

From the Mists of Avalon

Inside my head

Today has been a day at the most to say the least.

I woke up at 5 this morning feeling horrendous. Emailed my Bib. Studies professor and my Comp. professor to tell them I was sick and wouldn't be in class.

Went back to sleep.

Slept until like 10 or so. Good thing I emailed my professors because I was missing class then for sure.

At around 12:30 I was in the library working on my research paper that was due this morning. I was almost done around 5 when my computer locked up. I thought I had lost my paper. I was going to cry.

Turns out it was still there. Thank god. Finished it and went to print it off and drop it off in her box.

Don't know what will come of it. Eh. I got it done.



On the way back from the library, I was walking under a tree. Just as I got under it I heard leaves moving, didn't think anything of it. I stepped from under it and a branch fell out of the tree right behind me.

I think my luck is changing.

Wind Blows

It feels so very wonderful outside today. I love this weather. When it is actually fall.

There is change in the wind. Good change, I think.

I can feel it.

We shall see.

Update

I decided that I should post about my car.

Well. It starts. It has heat. That's about it right now. Don't really want to jinx a good thing when it is around.

My car has its problems, but I do love it.

....Somtimes.

Speaky wheel gets all the oil...

My car is the present bane of my exsistance.

In the middle of the night when I was trying to leave Shoney's, it wouldn't start. And it wouldn't start. And it wouldn't start. And oh yeah. It wouldn't start.

That goddamn starter better stay in place this time. I love that car, but I cannot and will not spend all of my time trying to get it to start and running around to beat on the starter with the hammer then running around and trying to get it to start and then running around to beat on the starter with a hammer. It is a long, frustrating, messy part. By the time I get the car started, when it so chooses to start, I need a goddamn shower.

Gah.

Despite

Despite the fact that I do not feel very strong or very good about anything involving me...

I have come to terms with certain things.

1. I am not going to let any one use me knowingly.
2. I am not a second choice, third choice, etc.
3. I am either a first choice or no choice. You do not pick me simply because what you wanted isn't available.
4. I am not the "other woman" or one of many.
5. I am the only woman or you don't get to have me outside of friendship.
6. I may not feel all that great about how I look or who I am, but I do know that I deserve better than lies and illusions. I deserve to love and be loved without having to jump through hoops and without having to change who I am.

I will not change for you.

Retraction

I am not feeling so invinisible and independent today.

Yesterday's post (rather the one from like 2 something this morning) was a result of my feeling very good and very strong about who I am.

That woman is gone. She has been replaced by that stupid teenage girl that rears her head far too often for my liking.

Honestly...I am apparently a masochist. I keep making it so that I get hurt. I keep setting myself up for my heart to get crushed again and again. I don't like it, but I keep doing it.

It isn't even anything that anyone has done this time. It just is. I make myself do things, look at photographs, that make me hurt and wish that I could be there.

Shoot me and put me out of my misery. Please.


I want to be strong.
I want to be indepedent.
I want to feel loved.
I am tired of feeling alone.

News Flash

I need nothing from anyone. I am very capable of obtaining everything that I could want or need just fine on my own. I realize this. I accept it. It is just nice and feels better to have people around along the way.

Song in my head

I feel fairly happy right now.

I feel good.

I hope it lasts...


"Song in my head" By Sherwood

Oh I don't believe it,
That I could be so deceiving
And bringing you down to feel this lack of loyalty.

You were a song in my head,
The warmth of the sheets in my bed.
A story forever told, but never old,
A warm arrival never left so cold.

Don't blink, don't close your eyes,
But most of all don't apologize.
It's me who's got the demons to wrestle now.

Oh I don't believe it,
That I could be so deceiving
And bringing you down to feel this lack of loyalty.

'Cause you were a song in my head,
The warmth of the sheets in my bed.
A story forever told, but never old,
A warm arrival never left so cold.

Don't blink, don't close your eyes,
But most of all don't apologize.
It's me who's got the demons to wrestle now.

There's a patch of blue in the stormy sky,
A memory of a brighter time.
When everything was new, and less watered down,
Before the summer turned to brown.

Don't say you can't believe it now,
That you're almost settled down,
'Cause you'll be right here,
When I come back around.

Don't blink, don't close your eyes,
But most of all don't apologize.
It's me who's got the demons to wrestle now.

There's a patch of blue in the stormy sky,
A memory of a brighter time,
When everything was new, and less watered down,
Before the summer turned to brown.

Before the summer turned to brown
(Don't blink, don't close your eyes)
Before the summer turned to brown
(Don't blink, don't close your eyes)
Before the summer turned to brown
(Don't blink, don't close your eyes)

And Action!

I am in the Black Gryphon play. Yay! I get to be all ranty. Always fun. ^.^

I have come to terms with it all. Every little bit of it.

To whom it may concern:

I have come to terms with it all. Every little bit of it.

I have no more tears to shed at your expense. I have not cried in days at your expense, simply because I have finished with that. I have cried, yes. Simply out of frustration from other aspects of life.

You know. I have realized that there was nothing ever really between us. You and I. We were nothing. Well. At least to you.

I wanted so badly to have what I have never had before. A loving relationship. I fooled myself into thinking that there was something more between us. I believed it. I felt it. I loved it. At least what I thought it was.

I loved you.

I still love you. BUT. It will never be more than what it is now simply because you are not ready for love. Because you do not want to be ready for love. You wouldn't know what to do with love anyway.

I broke up with someone for you. You never knew that. He never knew that. None of you will ever know that simply because you don't look at the resources available that would let you inside what you aren't told.

Well. It wasn't just for you. Things had not been good between us for a while. I grew tired of being my own company. So I broke it off with him, and he didn't speak to me for over a month.

I still love him.

I love him more than I have ever loved you. More than I ever loved what I thought you were and how you acted like you were.

You made my life hell and disguised it as happiness. I thought I was happy with you. There were glimpses, yes. There were downs. My Gods were there downs. The rest of what I thought was happiness was a dillusional lie.

All you seem to want out of someone is a warm body that you can play with. Not love. Toy with. Keep around when you want or need someone, but not be there when they want or need someone.


I have to thank you though. You have made me stronger through this. I now realize exactly how much you have hurt me and hurt my life. I realize exactly how badly you treated me.

No. You didn't hurt me physically. At least outside of slapping me that one time. But you hurt me mentally and emotionally. You exhausted me. And you never seemed to notice when I hurt. Not until you had to deal with it. Until I cried in front of you.

You never knew how many times I managed to keep it inside of me until I got to my car. I broke down so many times sitting out in front of your house.

It hurt.

But I am better because of it. I am stronger. I will never let someone treat me like you treated me.

You kept so much from me and dwelt on your ex-girlfriend so very often. I never knew about what Amanda was to you. I don't know what she sees in you anyway. But then again. You two suite each other.

To be in a polyamourist relationship or relationships, everyone involved should know about the others involved. And everyone involved should realize that they will all get hurt in the end.

This you too will realize one day.

And I will be here. Waiting. I am right more often than I care to be. And this is something that I will be right about. I can feel it.

Oh. And I would be careful in whatever you do. Karma is going to get you. You have so much bad karma built up....I wouldn't do anything else to hurt anyone else.

Karma is going to knock the shit out of you.

And I will be here. Waiting.

I will help you. But ask nothing more of me. For you will receive nothing more from me.

Love Always. Ever Watching. Always Present.
Christie.

Thwarted Revision

Today makes the second day in a row that plans have been thrwarted by the universe. Frustrated me so very much.

That is okay. It put things into perspective a bit. Gave me an idea.

I am going to see about going out of town to visit someone one weekend this month. It seems as though it may be the last weekend of this month. That is fine with me. Just have to see if their schedule is premitting.