Tired

I have grown tired of being this pathetic shell of a person. I am tired of just dealing with things because thye happened to me. I want to be stronger than I am.


I was at Joel's last night. We talked. We are just friends, and both of us are in need of some space right now. I will keep in contact with him some, but I do not want to drive him crazy or anything. I want to help him, not hurt him. It is going to be hard because I have really gotten in to the habit of talking to him everyday. He is my main social connection outside of school. It is going to be hard to adjust. I will deal though. I always do.

I love him, if you couldn't tell. As stupid as it may be, I do. And I will continue to be there for him even though he may never be there for me. It would just be like it has been anyway.

It is hard right now. My heart does hurt at the moment. I am losing a large part of my life and gaining a smaller part.

Maybe one day it could be more, but I am not going to hold my breath or count down or hope or pray. I'm going to move on, and I am going to let him do the same.

Honestly, I have been feeling very alone this last week. Problems with Joel causing crazy ups and downs. I have been feeling so very alone.

I cry to no one but myself.


I left Joel a gift when I left his house this morning to come back here for class. I made a necklace a few months back with two petals from a rose that he gave me. The only thing he has ever given me. The petals are inclosed in a silver-colored cage hanging amoung black and red circles. I had made it to give to him originally.

Just something to remember me by, I suppose.