Weekend

So. This weekend...

Friday night was fine.

Saturday was hell for me.

I go to the hall for breakfast, and I volunteer to help Iazzie who has to help take care of the Prince. After that, I head down to the field to watch the fighting. Laura, Whitney, and I catch a ride down.

We get out of the car, I look back. There is Joel getting out of his car with his Amanda. I walk away. I don't act as though I have seen them. I just walk away. Because I was not ready to deal with that.

I go set my things down and begin to do my own thing. I don't say a word to Joel or Amanda. I sew some and go around talking to some people.

After a while, after fighting has been going for a while, and while I am watching Iazzie's grandson, I go over to where Amanda and Krista are. I made myself do it. It was very awkward for me and I am sure that everyone could see that.

See. Joel and Amanda were acting like that cutsy happy couple. That couple that I have never been, and I doubt that I will ever be. They were kissing and hugging. Talking and teasing. Joel was acting as though he hadn't gone through a break up recently. Like he hadn't broken someone's heart. Like he didn't have a goddamn heart in that chest of his.

Their acting that way made me positively miserable. HE WILL NEVER LOVE ME. He never acted as though we were a couple unless we were in private. He acted as though we were just friends all the damn time.

So I suffered through the rest of the day, trying to ignore them and what I will never have.

After feast there was to be dancing. After the hall was cleaned, everyone got ready to dance.

I was standing alone.

While this would be a nice, kind gesture in different circumstances, what happened next made me want to cry. Amanda PUSHED Joel across the hall over to me to dance. PUSHED.

Thank you. I feel so very loved. Now I must go through myself down a hill onto very pointy things.

When he moved to my side, I looked at him and said "If she is making you, no." I did not want to dance with him very much at the time anyway. Made me feel kind of sick and inadequate all over again.

He told me that she pushed him over there because he wasn't paying attention.

So we danced. I told him how this was making me feel. I told him that he was had made today (being Saturday at the time) miserable. He said that he was sorry. I asked him why he was apologizing. Told him that it wouldn't change anything. That he wouldn't change. I told him that he was making it easier for me to move on. That when he acts like nothing had happened, (Because it isn't like he hadn't just gone through a break up and broke my heart. Of course not. Why would he do that? Oh yeah. Because he is a man. And men are fucking stupid. ) it makes it easier to move on because I don't like him when he does it. IT HURTS.

I told him that she suits him.

After that, he left. After we finished the last dance he said "Excuse me" and walked away. He said something to Amanda, and they gathered their things to leave. I didn't know for sure so I asked him if he was leaving. He was.

I think I may have hurt him when I said all of that. But it is all true.

It hurts me.

But I am not going to chase him. I am not going to just sit around and wait for him to come back to me.

I went and found Jay to get him to dance with me. Atleast for one specific dance that I can't spell.


I could see Jay and I together again. I think that we work very well together. Look pretty good together too, I think.

But I will never be in another relationship like what happened with Joel. I can't be in a relationship in which I am not the only woman they are with. I can't. It hurts. I will never be in a open relationship. It hurts. It isn't for me.

I will not be in an open relationship. I will not be in a relationship in which the person I am with is only there when they need me, not when I need them. (You need to be there for the person you are with always. For the good and the not so good. For the bad and the not so bad.)

I will not be in a relationship that is a secret.

I am tired of having to act like I am only friends with someone when there is more to it.

I do not want to be a secret. I want to be shown off, I suppose. I know that I am not beautiful or the best there is out there. But I don't think I should be hidden away. If you are ashamed of me, why are you with me?

I just want to be loved and feel loved. I want to feel like other people get to feel in relationships. Happy.