Shaken. Not stirred.

"....I’ve got another confession
I fell to temptation
And there is no question
There was some connection
I’ve got to follow my heart
No matter how far
I’ve gotta roll the dice
Never look back and never think twice...."

Those lyrics are from "..To be loved" by Papa Roach.

They hold a very strong connection to something that happened a few months ago (back in May).

They are also going to be where I start for being the person that I think I want to be.

I am going to lay it all out and see what happens. Whether or not I get hurt isn't the main thing, though it is very important on how I will be feeling. What the main thing is is that I am going to try.

I am going to try to have things work out even though I know that if I lay them out exactly how they feel it isn't going to work out and I will be hurting.

I am just going to try.

We will see where that gets me and what I come out looking like in the end.

Captivity

This evening isn't going to happen. That is fine, I guess. I would rather that we go ahead with it so that we can figure it all out, but he is feeling short tempered today. Being short tempered would not work with what was going to be this evening.


I feel like I am ready for a change. Let me rephrase that. I am ready for a change.

I have the desire to re-invent myself. I don't know that it is going to happen, but that is what I want right now.

I want to be stronger than what I really am. I want to be able to handle things in a way that won't end up hurting me in the end. I am so tried of bottling things up and breaking down when the limit has been breeched.

I am tired of being me.

Confusion

I think my resolution has fallen onto an unstable foundation.

I will see what is to come. Because I have to lay some things on the table and see what has to be said about them before I know what I will be doing. I also what to hear what has to be said before I lay it all out.

I'm not very good at dealing with my feelings and emotions. I have a tendency to bottle things up. I am trying to get better about that, but I have still bottled things up. I will be letting them out tomorrow. Or trying to.

But my resolution is on shaky, unstable groudn right now.

Who knows what the future holds. Especially when you learn to open your mouth and say what is bothering you.

And the tables turn.

I believe part of my problem has just worked itself out.

Questionable Existance (Repost since I accidentally deleted it, but managed to copy the text.)

Well. Today has just started off fantastically.

I have had another night of sleepless sleep. Waking up at varying hours over the course of the night until I finally just got out of bed around 9.

I go downstairs to do laundry. Everyone of the four washers is full. I come back down about 20 minutes later, still full. One of the girls that live here has their mother here doing her laundry. That woman is using three of the fucking washers. I believe two of the fucking dryers. So my laundry is sitting in one of the washers wet while I wait for a god damn dryer. And it is okay since I obviously don't need my work clothes cleaned for TONIGHT. Of course not.

Gah.

My roommate wakes up. Changes clothes or some shit. And leaves. Locking the door behind her. I am obviously not in the room or anything, right?

I am already over today, and I haven't been wake very long.

I love non-existance. It is just fucking fantastic.

Tired Resolution

I had a horrible headache earlier (as in Friday and not Saturday since it is like almost 1 am). It was an all day headache that I believe has been present to some degree since Sunday.

I really shouldn't stress myself out, but I do it anyway.

I have never stressed myself out so badly as to give myself that bad of a headache.

Until now.

It hurt so bad at around four.

I was laying in the floor with a pillow and a blanket, trying to relax my headache away before I went to work. I was talking to Joel on the phone at the same time. At one moment, it hurt so very much that I had tears going down my face. Didn't tell Joel that though.

Work didn't help it.

It is gone though. That is what matters.


I am thinking that I should have picked up some Benadryl on the way home. I'm tired, yes. But I haven't been sleeping very well, and I could really use a good night's sleep right now. Maybe it would lessen my stressing myself out. Especially since stress and emotional/mental "problems" and breakdowns have been making me not sleep well.

Sigh.

Sad face.

Sleepy...

Quixotic

I have been taking many quizzes today. Some of the results I have posted here, as you can see.

I think it is an effort to try to make myself feel better.

I'm not very happy right now.

I am trying so hard to figure out what I should do.

It just hurts.

I have no idea, but I will figure it out eventually, I think.

Girlfriend Rating

You are a Great Girlfriend

When it comes to your guy, you're very thoughtful But you also haven't stopped thinking of yourself You're the perfect blend of independent and caring You're a total catch - make sure your guy knows it too!

Are You a Good Girlfriend?

Humph. This might be true if I was in an actual relationship.

In Love

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time. You give and take equally in relationships. You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time. You're secretly hoping your partner will change for you. You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

Love

Your Love Style is Agape

You are a caring, kind, and selfless partner. Unsurprisingly, your love style is the most rare. You are willing to sacrfice your world for your sweetie. Except it doesn't really feel like sacrifice to you. For you, nothing feels better than giving to the one you love.

What's Your Love Style?

Keys

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

I disagree with that last line. I'm not feeling completely self-centered. A little, yes since wanting to be happy and loved may be self-centered. Wanting to not hurt anymore may be self-centered.

But I am feeling more used and unloved than anything else right now.

Hearts

You Are the Ace of Hearts

Youthful and playful, you love life and the world. You have a kind spirit, and you bring happiness to everyone you know. Artistic and bold, you see the world in bright colors. And you certainly aren't afraid to express everything you see and feel. You are sentimental, and your emotions are very deep. You are easily swept away and easily hurt. A gamble you should take: Blackjack Your friends would describe you as: Unique Your enemies would describe you as: Weepy If you lived in Vegas, you would be: An up and coming chef or fashion designer

What Playing Card Are You?

Unnecessary Desires

I am feeling pretty lonely right now. Doesn't help that no one is responding to my messages right now. That I am on my period and cramping horridly.

I am tired of seemingly not mattering to people.

I am tired of people acting one way and saying an entirely different one.

Especially in relationships.

Well. Non-relationships. Since one person doesn't want an exclusive relationship. And one person lives two hours away and hardly contacts me much anyway--And is kind of seeing someone.

In would-be and have-been with possible would-be-again relationships.


Is it too much to ask to have someone that says they love you talk to you and be there when you need to talk about things important to you that pertain to them?

Is it too much to ask to feel loved and be in a relationship with someone who is in it all the way as opposed to acting in it, but saying that they don't want an exclusive relationship?

Is it too much to ask to not be laughed at over something that makes you uncomfortable while the other two parties involved are obviously quite comfortable with the idea?

Is it too much to ask to be happy?

To be with someone that makes you happy without all of these terms and conditions?


I want to feel loved. Not to feel like I am around strictly for the pleasure of others.

I want to be happy.


----------------------------------------------

On an entirely different note on the same subject of desires...

I have this desire to have a baby right now.

I'm not going to.

I'm not having a baby until, at the very least, I am out of college.

But I do. I want to have a baby.

I think part of it is this whole lonely thing I have going on.

I deal. It isn't going to happen so it isn't like I am going to change that fact.

Lifeless

Lifeless
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

When the curtains close...

...and it all comes tumbling down around you.

My mother is going to marry a man that called me a whore.

A man which I dislike with great passion.


Let's just have everyone tear me down right now.

Come on.

It will be fun.

Let's see how long it takes before I fall apart and can't hold myself together.

You know you want to.

It doesn't even cost anything.

Stupid Teenage Girl Moment

Yesterday....

I woke up at 6. Didn't leave until 7:30-ish.

I volunteered to help Jay pack more of his stuff to take it to Cookeville.

He bought me breakfast, but I'm not sure that that makes up for the lack of air conditioning, power, or running water in that house.

I spent nearly all day in Knoxville yesterday.

I was very mad at both Jay and Joel.

I'm not exactly sure what I am right now.

I do know that I cried a lot last night. I feel like crying now. And I just want to go to sleep, but I can't.

I think that I am asking too much of life.

Today is one of those days that I just feel like quitting everything.

Last night...On the way home. I was falling asleep while driving. I was exhausted.

..I wanted a semi-truck to hit me or my car to roll over or just something to happen.

I don't feel very alive right now.

I really wanted to feel a physical pain rather than the mental and emotional pain that I couldn't fight off.

That I can't fight off.

I am slipping, I believe.

Falling backwards.

And none of you know what I mean by those last two lines, I am sure.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you the following message...

I am being a slacker. Forget homework. I just don't feel like it.

Dun dun dunnnn..

I finally have an interview for a work study position. Only took the entire first month of being here for that to happen, but it is okay.

I have to get work study.

Next year, however, I believe I am going to try to stay away from it.

Woot.

Jay may be in town tomorrow. Yay!

I do miss seeing him.

I also need to talk to him about something important and would rather do it in person than over the phone.

I do hope that he gets to come.

Arrr, me mateys!

Yesterday was International Talk like a Pirate Day! Woot.

I don't know enough to acutally do that presently.

But...

Have you ever heard or seen a sexually slanted pirate message?

You will have now if not previously.

I recieved a text message yesterday saying,

"Arrrr. Avast, wench! Prepare to be boarded!"

Made my day to say the least! ^.^

Silly man, that one.

Sink or Swim

Rather.

Start or be hit.

I went to Walmart yesterday. I was driving a friend because she cannot drive.

My car stalled in the turn lane and did not want to start.

Yay for the new starter acting up... -.-

I need a hammer...

Stating the Obvious

My blog has been boring lately, I believe.

I will try to be more entertaining from now on.


Musical recommendation: Nightwish

Yesterday

I accomplished everything that I set out to do yesterday. Some of it seemed small and insignificant, but sometimes I have trouble doing even the smallest things.

I actually had two uncomfortable conversations. Well. For me uncomfortable. And only seemingly so.

It really wasn't that bad.

But now I have to have an uncomforable conversation that will be difficult. I don't get to do this one face to face. For they are not where I can look at them face to face.

I get to call him and try to have this conversation over the phone since he is somewhere around a two hour drive away.

He can hang up on me and shut me out. Which will just thoroughly piss me off and upset me all at the same time.

It has to be done.

Even with dealing with these conversations, the last weekend of next month may be fairly uncomfortable for me.

To Do

Things To Do Today:

Wake up (obviously)
Take a shower (duh)
Do some laundry
Go by Laura's room/happen to run into her at some point
Go eat something
Call work at around 1:30 and tell them that I am sick and thus can not come in (It isn't a complete lie. I am sick...of being there.)
Go to Walmart and buy a damn chair
Go to Fighter Practice
Try not to break said chair
Go over to Joel's
Have a talk that is going to be very uncomfortable for me
Eat something again at some point
Go to sleep at a decent hour

The Story Thus Far...

I do not believe that the rest of this year is going to be a very good one.

It feels wonderful outside today. The rain brought in autumn, I believe. I love autumn. But there is no guaratee that it will stay.

That is only one little thing that is good..

These past three months have been kind of hard ones in some ways and on some levels. Each month has brought one death.

In July, my father died.

In August, my dearst Sally died.

In September, this month, there is yet to be another death any time now.

Jay Jay, the oldest cat we have, is sick. Mom believes that he is going to get well. But I picked him up. I held him. He is weak. He can't hold himself properly. He is just laying there. He is wet.

...There is blood that has come from his mouth.

He is only holding on by a thread, but he is in pain. I wish he would just let go.

I would rather that he not die, yes, but I would rather him not be in pain. And it hurts him to breath, I think.

So many deaths can not bode well.

And so much pain is not easy to heal. Especially when things just seem to keep going wrong.

Reality

So. It rained today. I mean it really rained.

And we really needed it.

I love the rain.

I have a tendency to drive with my driver side window down.

So. I was driving to get my check, and it was sprinkling.

By the time I put my check in the back and went into Walmart, it had nearly stopped so I left both the driver and passenger side windows down and went inside.

I come back outside and it is pouring rain.

I am soaked. My seat is soaked.

I can't drive with all of my windows up. A) My heat doesn't work B) I really would rather not die of asfixiation and C) I just don't want to.

So I am driving back to the dorm with the window down.

Just as I am reaching the top of this hill, I am almost there, a big pick-up truck comes speeding by. The tires throw water up and everywhere.

It goes in my window and all over me and all over my window so I couldn't see.

I just laugh.

I guess that was the universes way of telling me that I need another shower.

Dawn of the Dead

I am bored. And very lonely. I don't want to talk to or be around many of the people here right now. I don't really want to go out into very public places. I have texted two people that I want to talk to.

I have gotten replies from neither.

I call one.

He was asleep...Gah. I woke him up. I hate waking people up unintentionally with a phone call or a text.

I felt bad and told him to go back to sleep.

I call the other.

No answer.

Sigh.

It kind of bugs me about the second one.

When I do get to see him, he is always texting someone. If he does that when I am there, why can't he answer or text me back now. I understand being asleep. But I have been texting him all evening with no reply from either destination.

Wait.

I just got a reply from the second. It reads,
"Tired and going to bed. Hugs."

I feel so very loved right now.

I can understand being tired. But it is the first message I have gotten from him all evening when I have been trying to keep a conversation or start one. And that is what I get.

I have one thing to say...

What the fuck?!

Sometimes I wonder why I am interested in men. All they do is hurt you.

....Then I remember that the sex can be pretty damn amazing.

But even then that isn't much of a reason a lot of the time.

Is it even possible to find a man that won't hurt you every time you turn around? Or won't hurt you when you are most vulnerable even if you aren't showing it?

Once more with feeling

Once more with feeling
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

Last night I had this extremely weird dream. Not purple cows and pink monkeys weird. But what the fuck am I doing, I can't control my dream-self weird.

It was about me, obviously. I was right around the same age as I am now.

...I was getting married. To Tom, Aleksei (the blonde man standing to the left of the photo posted here).

It was very weird.

It was at the wedding. My mother shows up, but she shouldn't be there. She is in labor with another child. (WTF?!) She won't go to the hospital. She wants to be there for me to get married. She wouldn't let us take her to the hospital so we get married, and she gives birth to a new sibling for me. (Once again...WTF?!)

After the wedding we go off. But Tom goes off somewhere else. I feel all neglected and sad/lonely/used.

He comes back, and we fight.

After we fight, we make up, and he stays with me, saying something about only loving me. (WTF?!)

Time passes, and things only proceed to get weirder. (Well of course.)

I am sending text messages to someone. Someone else that I love. I am confused because I am MARRIED (WTF?!) and in love with Tom (WTF again?!).

I don't know what happens after. I can't remember. But let me tell you. That was definately a dream that I never thought that I would have.

Yes. Tom is fairly attractive. I am seeing someone, I think maybe a little I don't know, thus I don't want to be with Tom. And Tom is seeing someone, though that is special in itself.

Ano...

My life is definately special right now. I could use a vacation and a life guide.

Change in the Winds

This morning I felt so alive. I was tired, but I was so hyper.

I felt playful.

I felt invinsible.

Now...

I just hurt.

I felt so invincible up until about an hour ago, I suppose.

I know where it started. How it started. I just wish it wouldn't have started.

I need to go out. I don't know where or to do what. But out.

And it would end up being alone so I don't know that I want to anyway.

Alone is such a lonely number.

The Watchers

I feel as though I am being watched on some level. Maybe not physically. But watched.

That is fine. It is something that is fairly normal sometimes. But not with the feelings I am getting from it.

This feels like more purposeful watching. There is a reason behind it.

That is fine.

Watch all you like. I will not change what I am doing or how I am acting unless I feel like doing so.

You are welcome to watch, whoever you are. You will find nothing of special interest here.

Unattainable

There is something to be written brewing about inside of me. I don't know what it is, and I don't know how to draw it out.

It is something strong and passionate. I can feel it. There are no words in my head or heart right now. But I can feel them stringing themselves together.

What will come of it? Only time will tell.

Fair Grounds

I went to the fair last night.

I made sure I had everything that I HAD to have done finished before I went to work, and I actually managed to get off early.

I had to wait though. That is okay. I fixed my shoes and ate something while I waited.

I went to the fair with Joel. It was almost closing time, and they were closing things down. It didn't matter.

We didn't ride any rides. Play any games. It didn't matter.

It was plenty fun to watch him run around and take pictures. And talk about the Funnel Cake Faerie. Fun and very funny.

He is like a child with that camera. There is no better way to describe it. And it isn't a good enough description. The only way to understand was to have been there.

Matter of the Heart

Happiness.

Seemingly simple concept, no?

Yet a very hard one to attain.

There are many kinds of happiness, but true happiness isn't something easy to come by for some.

True happiness isn't want kind of partner you can get in bed with on any certain night. It isn't how much money you make. What kind of car you drive. What kind of clothes that you wear.

True happiness is more like at the end of the day, who can you call at near any hour and they will be there to listen to whatever problem you have no matter how silly or small it may seem? Who will give you the shirt off of their back if it will make your day better? Who will drive thirty minutes to see you as soon as you get off of work even though they are exhausted from everything throughout the day? Who will be there when you call crying and let you come over and cry in their arms without expecting a word?

That person isn't always what makes you happiest, but that person is there for you during the good and the bad. They don't expect any more than you can offer when you are down, but they expect the world of you and would help you achieve anything when you are working hard for whatever you may be striving toward.

Who is your person?

Empty. A reminder.

Empty. A reminder.
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

Thank you

Thank you.

That is a very common thing to hear. You hear it everyday somewhere. But what does it mean?

With something used so common, it is very likely that it loses all meaning after a while. It becomes something automatic. You don't think to say it. You just say it.

According to Merriam-Webster's online dictionary:

Main Entry: thank-you
Pronunciation: 'tha[ng]k-"yü
Function: noun
Etymology: from the phrase thank you used in expressing gratitude: a polite expression of one's gratitude


Has a polite expression of one's gratitude become just an automatic thing? Used thoughtlessly and without true emotion behind it?

Probably.

Have you ever noticed how often people say "thank you"?

Have you ever watched their actions and their faces when they say it?

People often do not mean it.

What about when you do something nice for someone? Give someone something? Or something of that nature?

Ever notice that they say "thank you" and continue on with their life?

They don't offer anything in return. I know that isn't what doing nice things is about, but there is a point when you are just hurting yourself by doing these nice things.

Selflessness

I went to my Sociology class today. My instructor, Dr. Amy Gibson, is apparently the president of the Tennessee Valley Fair. She brought in free tickets to the fair, and she gave each of us two.

Joel mentioned on his blog that he wanted to take Jackson to the fair. So after class, I approached her and asked her for another one, explaining that I knew someone who wanted to take their child to the fair.

Now Joel can take Jackson.

I can still go whenever I get the chance. I usually do things alone anyway.


If I really wanted to be selfless, I would just have taken the two tickets and given them to Joel, not obtaining one for myself.

Irony

I got back just a little while ago from going with mom to get my car. It was the starter. It went bad.

It's funny in a not so funny kind of way.

I can now change a starter in my car, but I can't stop the tears from coming.

Sad.

Match Made in Heaven

Some of the songs by Sick Puppies are very fitting for my current situation in life. I would actually buy this CD. I suppose I will at some point as long as my car doesn't become an expensive pain in my ass.

Change of Address Requested

What I am about to post is something that I wouldn't mind getting feedback on if you would care to share. It is a personal narrative paper I wrote at 1:30 last night after my car fiasco and everything else that went wrong. So I am a little weird about my feelings on the situation itself, but that isn't what this is about.

I left out some details. It was already longer than the required length. And I restrained some present personal feelings that I could add. But take it for what it is, and take it how you will.

Comments and feedback are welcome. Thank you.


------------------------------------------------------------------------

Laughter rings out, floating to the ears of any and all near and around. A feast has been prepared, and all are partaking in the marvelous foods placed before them. Each and every person is dressed differently, as if they are all from different periods across time and from all different countries and cultures. No one is assigned any role that they themselves do not take on, and no one will try to force anything onto anyone else. Everyone is urged to try new and different things. Everyone is encouraged. But no one is ever forced.

The feast does not last long. The food is consumed, and the populace separates into different little groups. Each group has their own stories to tell and things to do. But they do not remain separated for time has come to help clean up the mess that was made in preparing and consuming such a magnificent feast. The cleaning has to be done before the playing can return. Before the dancing can begin.

I do my part to help clean up. I return dirty dishes to the kitchen where a crew has been self-assembled to wash, rinse, dry, and put away the numerous dishes. I help move tables and chairs, and I help to return order to a formerly messy room. For I am a Viking woman, at least that is the role in which I have taken on in this little game of ours. Viking women are strong women, and they know how to get things done in order to resume play. In this case, dancing is what I and others wait for.

Once the cleaning has been finished, people begin to trickle off to do different things from staying to dance to going to a bonfire and from going off to drink with friends to going to bed for the night after a long day in the sun and heat. I stay in the room that I have helped to clean and straighten so that we may dance. These dances are ones that I am quite fond of in a very strange way, but it is not something that I regret or am ashamed of. Everyone is entitled to their likes and dislikes. No one is exactly the same.

You and I have been talking again as we have been since yesterday. We talk and play our own little game. We poke each other, and I steal your hat. I like your hat. It is a beautiful black felt hat with one side pinned up. Where the side is pinned up there is a fold. Tucked carefully into that fold just right is a vibrant, large red feather. I have been playing with that feather all day, and you have let me play with it. If you really wanted your hat back as badly as you seem to like to pretend, you would have taken it already. Why haven’t you taken it back? Why did I keep taking it back after you were finished with whatever thing you needed it for? Why am I like this with a man I barely know?

We dance together, you and I.. We have created a very powerful bond in a very short period of time. I have not yet realized the extent of that bond, but it does not matter at that moment. What matters is the dance, the steps, your touch, my touch, our moves, and how you constantly mess something up in a very adorable way. The most important thing is the way that you are holding me. You hold me close and tightly, as if you don’t want me to leave. I will remember that feeling and the way you hold me for the rest of my life, I think.

As the night progresses, the dancing stops, and you are getting ready to get your things and head home. Actually, I believe you were possibly going to some drunken girl’s place, if I remember correctly. You are talking with others. You have stories to tell, and you have a story that you desire to hear. You move over to the group that I am with, and you call one of them over to tell a story. I follow. I like these stories.

The story is one that I have heard before, but it is a very funny one nonetheless. I am standing near you as I listen. This is an unintentional location. I just needed to be out from in front of the middle of the doorway, and moving out of the way placed me beside you.

The stories are over, and you are leaving. You ask for a hug, and I allow you that hug. A hug is a hug, after all. A hug could not really hurt anyone. I do not expect anything more to spring from that hug, that gesture of goodbye so we hugged. I go off to find someone to talk to inside, but all I find is an empty room. So I return outside to head up to the cabin I am sharing with other girls to sleep.

As I slip past you, I poke your side. This has been our game all weekend. I keep walking, not stopping. I do not think that you will do anything. I am wrong because soon enough I hear your footsteps and the words of the others around you. I take off running.

You follow me, and I smile. I like to play. Everyone has a child inside of them sometimes. And every child loves to play. There is no way around letting a child play and have fun. They will find ways to make it happen even without your assistance.

We keep running, not long and not far but running. I pass a tree and mention my words about falling off-handedly. You reply just a second before your hands reach out and grab me by the waist, pulling me back and turning me so that my back is just inches away from that tree. You are holding me as you were while we were dancing, close and tight. For a second we just lock eyes with one another. The next second you poke me, and I poke you before I slip away and head to the cabin once again on the mission of getting some sleep.

Why did you hold me like that? Look at me like that? Where did those feelings come from? Where did that passionate, intense look in your eyes come from?

You have made an impact on my life in a way that will never be forgotten whether or not you realize that. You have proved that there is no minimum time required to develop some kind of deep and meaningful connection. Any person can meet any one person at any point in any place that will change their life in ways that are unimaginable. Love at first sight? I believe it in. Even if it is just strong like and very strong chemistry, there can be something there in even the shortest amount of time. You can not help who you end up loving.

Perimeters

Perviously I treated this as if it were just a journal. No one read my blog. No one cared. Thus I could write exactly how I felt and could write about whatever I felt like or needed to work through.

Now. People are reading my blog. That is not a bad thing. That is not why I am posting this. I don't mind people reading my blog. It is a hands-off way to try to figure me out.

My blog was read by someone, and yesterday I was "confronted" with an uncomfortable conversation because someone read what I wrote and was concerned. I understand that, and there is nothing wrong with that. I understand being concerned. I understand being a good person. I have no problem with that.

From now on, I am going to think about what I say before I post it. I don't like having to be careful about it because this has always been a place for me to express myself as needed. But I will.

And it is not good timing for this to become an issue. Because I have several things running through my head that I need to work through. Things that I would have posted here. But now I do not want to for it is something that don't want returning to the person they are about. For I am confronted with something new, different, and uncomfortable for me. I must deal. Or atleast try to.

Yesterday

The story we made up wasn't at all exciting or entertaining. Namely because I didn't have any input on it. Thus. I am not going to share said lame, boring story.

So.

My car.

I am angry with it. I am also about 30 minutes away from my car. It decided to break down yesterday. It is in Knoxville, and I am not. It is at Joel's house. He drove me back here after we got the car pushed out of his driveway so that he wasn't blocked in.

Today was just a bad day. And it hasn't gone away.

Thus is life. And the lack of sleep just strengthens that.

Faerie Tales and Little White Lies

I have another class in about an hour. We had an assignment to meet with our "pod" and go do something together, get to know each other. Guess whose group did nothing? Mine! That's right. Well. Unless they did something without me, but that wouldn't surprise me either.

So I think I am going to try to grab them before we start and just kind of make up something. I am very good at making things up. It could get fairly entertaining.

If that is the case, I will post a summary of whatever story it is that we developed.

I have to run to the bank for mom after my FRS class (my next class) and my Japanese class. That is a two hour block in which I am also supposed to eat. Woot.

Later today, like around 7-ish, I am going over to Iazzie's house. I am going to start training for fighting in the SCA. I have every intention of being good at this. I want to rock someone's world in a way that they don't expect. I think it would be kind of cool to fight in the Crown List one day. I think it would aslo be pretty damn cool if I win. If I win, I get to become King. That would definately shake some foundations somewhere.

Shaking foundations is something that I think is pretty damn amusing.

Misgivings

I have decided that it isn't anything big. I am not going to worry about it presently. If the situation arises again, I will handle it then.

Silence.

Today is very quiet.

An unsettling sort of quiet.

Something isn't right. I can feel it.

Lurking Visitor

I have noticed a visitor that keeps appearing here on my blog. Never posting, but ever lurking.

This isn't one that I have decided is a bot.

I do believe that I have figured out who it is. No guarantees, but I am fairly sure I know who this mystery visitor is.

If you see this, feel free to introduce yourself. If you do not wish to, I understand. I realize that it is sometimes more comfortable to remain in the shadows with your presence known but not revealed.

Hello, my New York lurker. You are welcome here.

Update

I forgot about speaking up about my misgivings on yesterday. I remembered too late.

I will try yet again to do so tomorrow.

Safety

I took a long shower this morning when I woke up. I needed it. To get the Mod Podge off of me from yesterday, but also to think.

I hate feeling like this.

See. I am not a very secure person in myself or in my relationships usually. I am always worried that whoever I am with will find someone else and just leave me crying and broken behind them.

I don't think that I am cute or pretty or beautiful or any of that. I don't. I don't think that I am all that smart.

I have low self-esteem and low self-confidence. It doesn't matter how I come across in person or in words. I have many insecurities about myself.

There are things that I am not comfortable with, and I came face to face with one of those yesterday. I am going to deal with it today, unless I chicken out which is always a possibility. I do that sometimes.

I have limits, and one of those was discovered last night.

Apparently I am a bit of a selfish girl when it comes to relationships and the person I am with. I don't like to share. I understand flirty, friends, etc. But I don't share. I am not the kind of girl to do that.

And I will fight for the person I am with, but only to the extent that they still want me. If they no longer desire me, I will go away. I will not push it. And I will be okay in the end.

I am not stupid. And I will not mess my life up over someone. But I care. And I fight. And I get hurt.

Glassy Eyes

Glassy Eyes
Originally uploaded by Missy Mao

I see.
Even with glassy eyes.
I see.

Even when tears pour.
When my eyes ache from the crying.
I see.

And I remember.